On Letting Go
by circasurvived
Summary: Heartbroken over her recent break up with boyfriend & best friend Edward Cullen, Isabella Swan begins her sophomore year at college. Told through flashbacks and present day events. E/B AU & AH.
1. Preface: New Beginnings

Isabella Swan took a deep breath, trying to still her shaking hand as she struggled to put the key into the ignition. She scrunched her nose up pinching the bridge with her right hand forcing the tears to stay put. She didn't want to break down in front of him again, not like it wasn't something he'd witnessed thousands of times before.

At first she had wanted to kick and scream. Punch him and spit in his face. Tell him how much he hurt her, how much she despised him. That she didn't care if she ever saw him again. She remembered the shock and hurt on his face when she defeatedly said "ok.", grabbed her bag and walked out of his room. She knew he expected her to fight for him, for them, like she had twice before. Sobbing, pouring her heart out, clinging to him until he broke down too, agreeing to try to make it work between them. He would push back all the doubt and insecurities he had in his mind and not blame her for what others had done before her, if only for the moment. But no, it was really over and she didn't want to still be sitting here when the realization would inevitably sink in.

She jerkily pulled out of the parking spot and sped off looking in the rearview mirror seeing Edward still immobile sitting on the stoop staring off into space finishing his cigarette. She kept her eyes forward as she headed home, out of the city. The silence in the car made her ears ring as she listened hard, waiting for the familiar buzz of her phone and the call she knew deep down would never come. Once on the highway she couldn't keep back the waves of emotion anymore. She couldn't breathe. The hot tears welling up in her eyes blurred her vision. She felt a distinct sheer stabbing almost physical pain in heart and it overwhelmed her. Her whole body shook with the sob that escaped her throat. She didn't notice her loosened grip on the wheel or her car slowly swerving into the right lane. The blaring of a car horn brought her back to reality and she abruptly pulled off to the side of the road. She didn't care what people thought as she sat there, tears stream down her face crying like a baby. She tried her hardest to prevent, but to no avail, the flashes of memories that poured through her mind.

The night she first met him at one of his house parties and how they spent the whole time sitting outside talking and laughing for hours until they were the only ones left. Jumping up and down in excitement as they ran the beer pong table week after week. The day she finally confessed that she had feelings for him, and the way her heart skipped a beat when he told her he felt the same way. The memory of their first kiss. Their first date. The awkward morning after when everyone found out that they were together. The feel of his arms around her waist and the look in his eye at the concert when he confessed that he was falling in love with her as the sound of their song swirled around them. Waking up in his arms and feeling the familiar squeeze he gave her every morning. She never expected this, especially not from him. Her best friend. Her savior. Her person.

As the day turned to dusk and the sun set, she couldn't help but feel as if her whole world had shattered apart. Seconds, minutes, hours went by as she sat there alongside the road. She wished she could take it all back. Back to when they spent almost every day together. Back to when she was the little naïve freshman and when things were less complicated. For once Bella was grateful for the 110.83 miles, two hours and five minutes, between them.

She started the car pulling back onto the highway wincing as she caught a look of her swollen puffy eyes in the mirror. The further she drove the calmer she became. The tears that she felt would never stop falling dried up and she felt empty and numb inside. She fumbled around in her purse pulling out a worn & scratched CD popping it into the player. It felt like years ago when she first listened to it, smiling at the songs that he meticulously picked just for her. She slid out the tattered piece of notebook paper, ripping along the folded creases, from the front of the CD case. She didn't need to read it to know what it said, she knew it by heart.  
" Whenever you're feeling down or alone, listen to this and know that you aren't. I will be here, and there will be no tears for fears... EC."  
She sighed and instantly felt at ease as the soft melodic guitar riffs swirled around her head, bringing her back to when it all started; to happier times that she wished had never ended…

_"I'm missing you so much I'll see you die tonight,_

_Just so I can get to you before the sun will rise._

_I know the signs are on, I feel this too._

_None of that ever seems to matter when I'm holding you._

_& I'm wasting away, away from you…_

_You Had Me at Hello - A Day To Remember._


	2. Chapter 1: Living Together

_ It starts out like a season in reverse,  
A way to set your mind above and over words.  
like attached means, your identity;  
Erases things so how can we record?_

Living Together - Circa Survive

**Chapter 1: Living Together**

"Hurry up Alice we're already over an hour late." Bella nervously picked at her dress silencing her phone as it went off again, the message "You still coming…" flashing on the screen.

"Hold on I need to fix my hair. Just ignore Jasper he can wait." She rolled her eyes, scowling when she took in Bella's outfit. "Oh and no you don't. You have to wear heels those flats definitely don't match at all."

"Seriously?" Her question was answered by Alice's raised eyebrow. "Ok, whatever fine. Give me the damn shoes."

"Good girl. You know how to make mamma proud." Grinned Alice as Bella grabbed the black leather t-strap pumps dangling from her fingers. She turned back to the mirror spraying massive amounts of hairspray into her hair. Bella had first met Alice Brandon at a party last year and they soon became fast friends, even with their wildly different personalities and fashion sense.

"There, Perfection." Alice sighed dreamily as she looked at herself in the full length mirror, touching the razored tips of her new asymmetrical black bob. The bright red skintight American Apparel dress hugged what little curves she had leaving a good six inches of flesh exposed above her knees and almost her entire back bare. "Come here." she said waving her delicate fingers at Bella.

Bella stood up and joined her, examining Alice's handiwork one last time before they stepped out of the apartment.

"Don't worry Bells," Alice said reassuringly resting her head on Bella's shoulder. "It'll be fine. Oh and you really need to dress like this more often, you look gorgeous."

Bella looked at herself in the mirror and couldn't help giving a small smile. Alice was right, she did look good. For once she wasn't wearing her typical wardrobe of jeans and a polo. The dark blue of her strapless satin dress played off her nice tan and the new chestnut highlights in her hair.

"Ok let's go!" exclaimed Alice pulling on Bella's arm dragging her out of the apartment. She skipped up and down the hallway twirling around walking into the waiting elevator. "This is gonna be so much fun." she said a wide grin spreading across her face, clapping her hands as the elevator door slowly closed in front of them.

*

As they neared the house, Bella started feeling anxious. Her stomach fluttered nervously and she couldn't help her hands from shaking slightly. It was two weeks since she saw or spoke to Edward and the memories of their last encounter still brought upon a tearing sensation in her heart.

"I don't know Alice… Maybe we should just go to Sigmond." She forlornly looked down the street at the frat house where she spent most of her first semester up at school.

"You are not backing down on me. This was your idea in the first place. It'll be fine I promise. It's better to get this over with sooner than later. They're your best guy friends, nothing has to change."

Bella held her breath as Alice climbed the stairs up their stoop, knocking loudly.

"Emmett? Jasper?? Open your goddamn door." she screamed lifting up the mail slot and peering into the house.

The door swung open revealing the tall stocky frame of Emmett McCarty, Edward's best friend and roommate.

"Well, well look who finally decided to show up. Hot damn Bells look at you!" He pulled Bella into a huge bear hug squeezing her a little too tightly before finally releasing her.

"Uh thanks Em. It's good to see you too."

"Here are your cups," he said waving away the bills Alice stretched out to him. "Your moneys no good here squirt and you know it. I've got door duty tonight so I'll see you guys later."

"Oh and Bells…" he said lightly touching her arm as she walked by, "Ed's downstairs...you should talk to him before he gets too polluted."

"I don't know Emmett. I was kinda just…maybe not going talk to him at all?" she said scrunching up her face stuttering a bit. "How is he…" she asked her face turning a light shade of pink.

"Well…you know how he is, drinking himself to death. He started at seven today probably anticipating your arrival." He gave her a small smile, his eyes searching her face for a reaction.

Bella's breath caught in her throat. "Oh I really doubt that…" she trailed off kicking at the cracked floor board beneath her foot.

"Doubt what Bella, my undying love for you!"

She turned around hugging the boy who was walking down the stairs automatically knowing it was her best friend, well other than pre-break up Edward, Jasper Whitlock.

"How's my little Bells," he said picking her up twirling her around.

"Oh you know Jazz." she said giving him a small half smile as she kissed him lightly on his cheek.

"I missed you, how was your summer? I can't believe I only saw you twice all break." He led her to the bar in the crowded living room, fixing her a mixed-drink before they wandered downstairs.

They small talked a bit, catching up on each other's lives. Bella felt a little guilty as Jasper talked excitedly about his internship in the city and his upcoming graduation knowing that she pushed him away as soon as she got close to Edward. Halfway through his speech she hugged him again.

"What was that for?"

"I just missed you…I hope thing won't be different now that…"

"Don't worry love; I'll always have a place for you here. Like for tonight when you're stumbling around with a bottle, drunk off your ass."

"God," she said slapping him on the shoulder. "I am NOT going to get that drunk tonight."

"Hmm we'll see about that. I vaguely remember the last time you said that you ended up face down taking a cold shower…"

"I hate you." she laughed remembering that night her first semester at school…

"_Careful with that hun." said Edward as he grabbed the bottle out of Bella's hand sloshing some of the precious liquid onto the table. _

"_Don't waste it!" Bella swept up the droplets with her finger, licking it, mockingly giving Edward the eye as she sucked on her finger. _

"_God you are killing me." he laughed giving her a side hug as he poured a little of the liquid into the shot glass sitting in front of him. _

"_Live it up, drink it down." he said as they both raised their glasses together with a little clink. _

_Bella expertly poured it down her throat, pausing to let the bitterness hit her taste buds before taking a sip of her lemonade. _

"_I can't believe I've never had this before tonight." She reached for the bottle he had placed on the table. "Bacardi Limón. Who know I was a rum girl…WHOOPS."_

_Bella harmlessly fell to the floor misjudging the distance between the desk and the bed. _

"_Oh boy… This is going be fun." Edward carefully picked her up off the ground brushing a bit of lint off her shoulder. "Come on lets go back downstairs. I think it's our turn at the table soon."_

_*_

_Bella couldn't remember having more fun in her life. She and Edward ran the beer pong table, winning six games in a row before finally being beaten by Emmett and Jasper. She danced around with Jessica and Alice as they mingled with everyone at the party always with Edward carefully watching her from across the room. _

"_Easy there Bella, I think you've had enough…" said Edward with concern as he caught her arm preventing her from pouring anymore rum into her mixed-drink._

"_Nooooo." she pouted as he pried her fingers from the plastic cup holding it behind him just out of her reach. _

_She struggled to get it back, letting out a loose laugh as he playfully swatted at her arms. _

"_Fine." she said looking up at him with innocent doe eyes._

"_Oh giving up that easily? I didn't think you were that kind of girl Swan." He walked the two feet to the kitchen to pour the offending drink down the sink. "Shit this thing reeks. I hope you weren't making your drinks this strong all night…HEY!" he yelled bounding back across the room but not soon enough to stop Bella from pouring the rum straight from the bottle down her throat._

"_Yummy." she said smacking her lips with a giggle. _

"_Ughh," he groaned as he grabbed the bottle, putting it out of reach. "God you are such a little freshman."_

_Twenty minutes later it was apparent that the liquor finally hit Bella as she lost control of her motor skills and fell no less than every twenty seconds. _

"_Oh god." she moaned as she put her hands over her eyes trying to stop the spinning. Everything was so bright. She laughed to herself as she poked her arm noting the numbness and tingling in her fingers. _

"_I can't feel my arms." she said to nobody in particular a permanent grin on her face. _

"_I gotta peee." Alice squealed jumping up and down holding her hands in front of her like a little girl. "Come with me. NOW." She grabbed Bella's arm as they stumbled up the stairs. _

"_Hey you girls ok?" Emmet called out to them as they made a beeline for the bathroom._

_Bella stopped suddenly and stared at him. "Umm..yeah." she squinted in concentration as if he asked her a difficult question, her eyes glossy and glazed over. _

_The next thing she knew Alice had grabbed her arm and yanked, hard. Already unsteady on her feet Bella went flying backwards into the bathroom. Automatically her arm shot out to grab something, anything to keep her up. Her hand circled the shower handle, which didn't help steady her at all, giving way quickly and turning on a cold steady stream of water as she fell back into the tub._

"_Ahh! Omg what the fuck! Help me." She pleaded as the ice cold water poured down on her. She tried unsuccessfully to stand up her arms failing her on the slippery tub walls. She looked over taking in Emmett doubled over in laughter and Alice, hand over her mouth in shock._

_Edward peeked his head into the bathroom taking in the scene in front of him and let out a loud laugh taking his time walking over as he turned the water off. _

"_I told you this would happen." he said in between gasps as he helped Bella up. "Here let me get you a towel."_

_She scowled, pointing angrily at him, "Stop laughing this isn't funny at all." _

"_On the contrary Bella, you are never going to live this down. I promise you that." He wrapped her in the towel as he led her up the stairs to his room to get a change of clothes, the sound of Emmett's guffawing laughter bouncing off the walls, mingling with the bass of the rap music blaring from the basement…._

Bella was brought back to reality as she felt a hard body knock into her, causing her to spill half her drink on the floor. "What the fuck! Watch where you're going!" she spat out, her anger more aimed at herself due to reminiscing about Edward than the little blonde girl who ran into her.

"Oh my god I'm like SO sorry. Did I hurt you? Oh no I spilled your drink! I totally didn't even see you there." said the girl wide-eyed obviously drunk off her ass.

"What are you like twelve? Isn't it past your bedtime?"

"Uhh no. I'm nineteen thank you very much." she slurred spilling the rest of her drink all over her ugly pink and white lace top.

Bella rolled her eyes and looked back at Jasper who was trying his best to hold back his laughter.

"Who the fuck is that?"

"Em's cousins' friend from school or something. I think she's fifteen… Don't ask me why she's here, I have no idea."

"Great. I see all of you still like your girls young." she joked.

"Oh but of course. You know when you turn 19 next week you won't be allowed back anymore. Too old for us, the boys of Sloppy like our freshmen."

"Please, that would be funny if it wasn't true. I'd think now that you guys are the big men on campus you'd stop being such pedo's." laughed Bella shaking her head at the nickname the boys called themselves. She looked around taking in the young faces of Temple's 2012 class, frowning slightly. "God half these girls aren't even legal yet."

"He's downstairs." said Jasper, guessing who Bella was looking for. "How are you handling things? I still haven't really heard what happened…" he trailed off not wanting to pry.

"I honestly don't know. One minute we were playing the old married couple and he's talking about me moving in, the next minute he's breaking up with me for 'caring about me too much' ", she scoffed making air quotations with her fingers, "and that it was 'better for everyone else' that we ended things now, whatever that means. I don't want to hear his bullshit. He got bored and just wants to find another hole to fill."

"Testy testy." Jasper said looking down at her. "Look, I'm sure it'll work out… Edward has a lot on his mind. He has a reason for what he did, valid or not."

"Yeah…more like he realized that settling down with one girl limited the number of random fucks he would get this semester. You know with all these freshmen…"

"Stop, don't want to hear it." said Jasper cutting her off, sounding more than a little annoyed, earning him a deadly glare from Bella.

"Hey don't look at me like that. He's still my best friend and I do have to live with the guy. I'm just saying there's more than meets the eye…his ex hurt him more than you can imagine. I'm not insinuating that you'd do the same thing that she did, but you have to try to understand why he would be so guarded and a little unsure of letting you get so close."

"Yeah, yeah whatever." she said no longer listening. She hated when they all defended Edward. She knew all about his womanizing ways and how it all started two years ago when he found out his ex was cheating on him and 'broke his heart'. It was all just one big excuse for him to build an emotional wall around himself. She didn't buy it. When Bella first went to Jasper after the break-up, all he did was sing Edward's praises. If she had to hear how deep down 'he really was a great guy' one more time…

"I'm gonna go mingle. You know, find Alice."

"Oh Alice is here?" Jasper looked around the room quickly, darkening a little when he didn't see her.

"I'll let her know you're looking for her." Bella said rolling her eyes. Normally she enjoyed teasing Jasper about his "secret" crush for her roommate but she just wasn't up for it right now.

She pushed through the cramped hallway, making her way to the basement stairs. She looked over the railing spotting a group of her friends standing in the corner. She waved over at them and started down the stairs raising her drink above her head, sidestepping past a group of people crowded around the keg. She turned the corner suddenly face to face with Edward.

Her breath caught in her throat as she took in his beautiful chiseled face. It had a day or two's worth of stubble but it suited him. Her eyes roamed up and down before finally focusing on his, red rimmed and slightly glazed over eyes. It was hard not to notice the thick bags under them and she had to refrain from automatically pushing away the bit of hair that always fell in front of his face.

They awkwardly stared at each other for about ten seconds neither one speaking a word before a flash of blonde hair caught Bella's eye as she was grabbed by her good friend Jessica Stanley.

"Thank God you're finally here! Ah you look too cute for words. Come on! I got Angela to come out tonight and you know what a rare occasion that is." Jessica pulled on Bella's arm, completely oblivious to the non-existent moment that was going on between her and Edward.

Bella took one last fleeting look back at him unable to read the stone expression on his face before letting Jessica steer her to the far side of the basement.

"What the fuck…" she thought angrily as she felt the tears well up in her eyes.

They reached her group of friends and she didn't hear a word they were saying as she immersed herself in her own thoughts barely registering their hugs and squeals asking her how her break was.

"I can't believe he didn't even talk to me." She was disappointed, but not surprised at the cold non-greeting from him. "God he didn't even say hi." she thought in despair. She couldn't remember the last time he had been so indifferent to her…

_Bella reached down at her phone as she felt the familiar buzzing of a text message. _

"_Oh who can that be..." teased Edward as he reached for her phone plucking it from her fingers before she registered what he was doing. _

_His eyes quickly scanned the text message and Bella blushed already knowing what it said._

"_ready for round two? no interruptions tonight I promise..."_

"_What the fuck is that supposed to mean." he said tossing the phone back at her._

"_Edwardddd pick a card it's your turn." whined Alice as she waved a finger in front of his face. _

_They were in the middle of a game of Kings, Bella's favorite drinking game._

"_Your lovely darling little Bella bear…how shall I put this delicately, got to know Jacob Black a little more last night. Didn't you Bells?" answered Rosalie Hale, Emmett's on and off again girlfriend, who happened to loathe her._

"_What hold on? Not that frat boy you were talking about? Are you fucking kidding me?" Jasper laughed as he playfully pretended to push Bella off the bed._

"_Score one for the little Freshie. But really Bells, I didn't think he was your type." joked Emmett raising his bottle in a mock salute to her, taking a long swig._

"_How can you find that ugly douchebag attractive?" hissed Edward pushing the overturned cards in front of him off the table._

"_Hey, he's attractive in his own way shut up. Just for the record I didn't do anything with him. He's my friend. We just listen to music and talk and stuff."_

"_Please, I don't get how you spend hours tucked away in his room and still deny hooking up with him." said Rosalie coldly. "The little innocent girl act gets real old, real fast Bella."_

"_Rose I think that's enough." scolded Emmett._

"_I need a fucking cigarette." Edward huffed grabbing a pack of Camel Crushes' off his nightstand and storming out of the room._

"_Jesus what a little baby." Bella rose quickly to follow him. "Don't start without me." She warned pointing at Emmett who innocently held up his hands._

"_Wouldn't think of it my dear."_

_Bella walked out the front door closing it slowly behind her, lowering herself to sit next to Edward on the stoop outside his house. She watched him take a long drag from his cigarette, slowly blowing it out the corner of his mouth. She scooted closer to him resting her head on his shoulder breathing in the smell of the menthol cigarettes and the Armani Black cologne he wore._

"_Aren't menthols girlie cigs?" she joked making a reach for the cigarette dangling from his finger._

"_Fuck off." he hissed jerking to the side breaking physical contact with her._

"_Stop being so pissy Edward."_

_He looked over at her a scowl on his face, no doubt trying to scare her away, but she just laughed wiping at a small fleck of ash that was on his collar._

"_Fucking stop Bella." he grabbed her by the wrist a little too hard._

"_Ouch what the hell! What is your deal tonight?"_

"_I just don't know how I feel about you going over to Sigmond all the time. You do know they got their Chapter taken away from hazing pledges and for allegedly using their frat as an underground coke den? And I don't mean the soda…"_

"_Jesus Edward do you honestly believe all that crap? They're good guys. Why do you even care?"_

_Edward looked taken aback. He opened and closed his mouth, thinking, before finally saying, "I know I've only known you a couple of months, but I consider you one of my good friends. Trust me, I know how guys are, I just don't want you to get hurt again. I'm sorry I'm just protective of you that's all."_

_Bella winced, "Yeah, I doubt you want another night of me soaking up your t-shirt with my tears crying over some unrequited love." she said referring to one of many drunken Dr. Phil sessions Edward lived through during her break up with her high school boyfriend at the beginning of the semester._

"_Hey," Edward said softening his tone, "I didn't mind. I liked having you as my snuggle buddy." he said with a smirk._

"_Ok, I give up. I can only apologize so many times for unconsciously snuggle fucking you in my sleep." she laughed remembering how she woke up basically sprawled on top of Edward._

"_Come on, let's go back in." He stood up, putting out his unfinished cigarette. He grabbed the crook of her elbow to help her up and they walked back in the house. He paused for a minute at the foot of the stairs and turned around to face her.  
"What?" she said with a smile._

"_Just…oh never mind." He absentmindedly pushed her hair away from her face. He started walking up the stairs, stopping to turn around when he didn't hear her follow. He smiled, holding his hand behind his back for her to grasp._

_A wide grin spread across Bella's face as she grabbed his hand, their fingers intertwining together, fitting perfectly. He gave her a quick squeeze before continuing up the stairs, their hands swinging back and forth between them._

"_So what's it gonna be Bella?" teased Emmett as they walked back into the room, "Are we finishing this game or what? Well unless you're leaving us for another go with your little frat boy." _

_Bella rolled her eyes and laid down on Edward's bed, kicking off her shoes to make a point. _

"_Ok Good. Eddie my boy it's your turn."_

_Edward looked over at Bella and smiled his arm brushing hers as he leaned over to pick up a card…_

"_Eight, make a date. It's all you Bella."_

_*_

"Please be my partner Bella?"

"Wait…what?" Bella blinked a couple times, mentally kicking herself for regressing back to her thoughts of Edward yet again.

"Pong! I haven't played in AGES and its common knowledge that you're the only decent one of our friends." Bella quickly agreed a nice competitive drinking game would definitely get her mind off of Edward…and how good he looked in that black button-up shirt.

They made their way across the room stopping at the pong table. Bella gathered the cups, setting them into the standard triangle position. She grabbed the pitcher and generously filled each cup more than halfway.

"Umm Bella don't put that much in. You know I don't drink beer…" started Jessica.

"Don't worry, I'll drink it for you." She absentmindedly looked over to where Edward was standing, talking to the little blonde bitch from earlier. Bella smirked noticing that the girl was definitely done for the evening, dirt sticking out of her hair, no doubt from falling on the floor, make-up smeared all over her face. "Nice Edward. Way to pick a winner."

Once the other team was ready, they started the game. Bella soon got caught up in the excitement, like she always did, high fiving and hugging Jessica every time they made a cup, and hissing curse words under her breath whenever their opponents did the same. Throughout the game Bella couldn't help noticing the more agitated Edward became as her team pulled ahead, leaving one cup left to make. Tanya flirted shamelessly, following him everywhere, letting out an annoying cackle at everything he said.

"Damn it." huffed Jessica as she missed her shot yet again.

"Don't worry, I totally got this." Bella stared intently at the cup furrowing her forehead with concentration. She looked over at Edward making eye contact with him as she released the pong ball, knowing she made it in by the loud cheers of the people watching.

She grabbed her cup, fueled by her alcohol intake, determined to talk to him. Sensing her actions, he moved towards her, stopping when they met face to face. Bella smirked, expecting the usual congratulations and jests Edward always made when she managed to win a pong game without him.

"Bella." He said throatily, his voice reverberating in her ears. He gave her a small smile and she felt the familiar squeeze on her arm. She gave him a questioning look as he turned away, walking towards the stairs, Tanya following inches behind him. Halfway up he held his hand out behind him, for Tanya. He looked back, his eyes locking with Bella's as her mouth dropped open. He had a smug look plastered on his face but his eyes looked sad, almost regretful. He looked away quickly; his hand intertwined with Tanya's dragging her along with him in an all too familiar fashion.

Bella stood there, speechless interrupted yet again by Jessica.

"Come on Bells we won, we're up again."

"You know, I don't feel like playing anymore…" she said her voice cracking. "I need to get out of here. Now. I don't know what I was thinking. God. Fuck." Bella left her cup on the table roughly pushing past people in her way. She blinked rapidly, keeping her tears in check. "There's no way I'm going to cry. You are not going to cry." She repeated in her mind over and over again.

"Bells where ya going?" called out Emmet as she stormed past him, knocking his arm away from her shoulder slamming the front door behind her. She sat down with a thud on the stoop breathing heavily. The door opened behind her and Bella turned around not expecting to see Edward there, hands in his pockets looking guilty. He moved to sit down by her but she stood up suddenly, anger quickly replacing the hurt and despair she felt moments before.

"Get. The Fuck. Away from me." she spat at him venomously.

"Bella I'm sorry, I can explain…"

"What don't you fucking understand? I don't want your excuses anymore. Because that's all that they are, excuses. God why the fuck did you have to ruin everything!" she turned around and started walking away.

"Bella," he called grabbing her arm.

"Don't touch me! Just leave me alone Edward. You can't do this. You can't pretend you care about me whenever you feel bad."

Edward just stood there intensely staring at her.

"What do you want from me Edward?" she wailed turning to face him, tears welling up in her eyes.

"I want you to come back inside. I'm sorry." He reached out to her, putting his arm around her waist.

"I told you not to touch me!" she screamed pulling away hastily slapping him across the face.

He just stood there looking at her, his face void of emotion as the tears slowly fell down hers.

"God what is wrong with you. Do something!" she bellowed throwing herself at him pounding his chest with her tiny fists not feeling anything due to the numbness brought on by the alcohol. "Tell me you hate me and to never come here again. Tell me you regret everything that happened. Tell me that I was just the person you were fucking during the summer because you were bored. Tell me that you could care less about me."

"I can't lie to you, you know that Bella. I…"

"You what Edward? What do you have to say for yourself?"

He looked down at his hands, silent once again. At that moment her phone rang loudly, her ringtone oddly appropriate for the moment they were having.

"Goddamn it! Are you fucking kidding me." she threw her phone against the side of the house snapping it in half but not stopping the tone from ringing out loudly against the quiet night sky.

"_you shimmy shook my bone, _

_Leaving me stranded all in love on my own._

_Do you think of me? where am I now, baby where do I sleep?_

_Feel so good but I'm old, 2000 years of chasing's taking its toll…"_

Ignoring Edward calling her name, Bella stormed off down the street, allowing the angry tears to flow freely down her face.


	3. Chapter 2: In the Morning & Amazing

_ infinite silence flowing right in with the dawn,  
This is wrong, this is wrong  
& I cannot sleep without the radio on.  
we fall asleep again with ties to mend,  
So please let the cleaning begin with evolution._

_In the Morning & Amazing - Circa Survive_

**Chapter 2: In the Morning & Amazing**

Bella came home from the party still fuming and slightly tipsy. She sobered up for the most part walking the 10 blocks or so back to her apartment. She didn't need to turn around and check to know Edward followed her the whole way home, making sure she made it back safely. It sent a little jolt to her heart knowing that even though he supposedly didn't care anymore, he was still protective of her.

She sat down at her desk, head in her hands, as she went through the evening's events once again. Tanya stumbling into her, falling around the house. The laughter and jests of all her friends and the boys as they made fun of her. Tanya talking to Edward, following him upstairs, hand in hand. Bella couldn't help thinking that Tanya was familiar somehow…

She didn't know why it took her so long for everything to sink in. She looked up quickly logging onto Facebook and opening up her profile. She typed in Edward's name in the search bar highlighting it and clicking go.

She went directly to his tagged photo's waiting impatiently as the images loaded. She went back several pages until she got to the summer, the week before Edward ended things with her. Her eyes quickly moved over the pictures until she caught a familiar blonde speck in the corner of one. She opened it, flipping through the photos in the album. In the background of a picture of Emmett smiling holding up his beer cup, was Edward in the corner, talking closely to the girl next to him at the pong table, Tanya. Even though it was an innocent picture Bella just knew. That was her, the girl who tore their little world apart. Tanya was the girl Edward cheated on her with.

Bella laid down on her bed, not bothering to change, turning on her Ipod. She closed her eyes and listened to the playlist she made specifically for when she was upset. Alice always made fun of her, asking Bella why she felt it necessary to make a playlist of songs that made her want to cry. There was never a more perfect moment to listen to her "HeartFail" mix than now, her heart aching painfully in her chest.

Bella immersed herself in the music, shutting off her brain and blocking out any thoughts that ran through her head. A little over an hour later, Bella heard her apartment door slam open and the quick clicking of heels going through the kitchen. There was a sharp knock on her door before it swung open quickly.

"Thank God! I had no idea where you went. I tried calling you a hundred times why didn't you pick up?" Alice asked her eyes still wild, out of breath, as if she ran the whole way to their apartment.

"Oh it's broken. I threw it against a wall…"

"Great Bella that's really smart, just as smart as walking through the streets of Philadelphia at 2 am by yourself. I know you think that Philly is a safe place and all but still. God something could have happened to you…I never would have been able to forgive myself if…"

"It's ok Alice, I'm fine. Really. You didn't have to leave the party."

"I wasn't going to stay there. Emmett told me that you left the house all upset and he said you'd be ok because Edward was with you. When he walked back into the house 20 minutes ago alone I panicked. What happened anyway? I thought everything was going fine…"

Bella sighed, motioning for Alice to sit down before she began telling her everything about her recent discovery of Tanya being the girl Edward cheated on her with and the pivotal role the event played in their break up.

"Oh Tanya? She's completely harmless Bells. Like Edward would even think about touching another girl when he was with you. From what I remember she was the one who came on to him…"

"You…you knew and didn't tell me about her?"

"Wait…you didn't know? Well, It wasn't my place to say anything; Edward promised he'd tell you." Alice spoke softly, touching Bella's hand carefully trying to calm her down. "But to be fair, Edward technically didn't cheat on you. He told Jasper everything the next morning. You really should have listened to what he had to say Bells…I had no idea that was one of the reasons why you guys broke up."

"What are you talking about?" Bella said her anger boiling to a dangerous level. "He either cheated on me or he didn't. There is no "technically" involved. Why would he say he did if he didn't?"

"Ok, ok I'll tell you. So I guess one night over the summer Emmett's cousin brought her high school friends over to drink for the night. One of them…"

"Tanya." interrupted Bella.

"Yes, Tanya." Alice continued warily, making sure she kept her distance from Bella's clenched fist. "I guess Tanya was attracted to Edward and followed him around everywhere, flirting with him and such. You know how Edward is Bells he just went along with it but Jasper was positive that he in no way encouraged her behavior."

"Yeah and I'm sure he didn't discourage her either. So let me guess, he technically didn't cheat on me. He just fell…again and again…"

"Shut up, let me finish. Remember the night that Emmett told us about, how Edward got so wasted he left the water tap open on the jug in their room flooding it so they needed to get new carpet?"

Bella rolled her eyes, not knowing why Alice decided to bring that up. Edward had a serious drinking problem, always over doing it, resulting in him passing out early.

"Well, he was blackout drunk that night Bella. He passed out in his bed and woke up with Tanya next to him. He admitted to Jasper that when he woke up she kissed him but that he pulled away and walked out of the room."

"Please." scoffed Bella, doubting for the first time the image in her mind of Edward and the little girl doing the dirty.

"It's true Bells. Emmett lives in the same room as Edward. He was there that night and was already up that morning and saw everything."

"Are you sure?" Bella asked her voice breaking.

"Yes, Bella…I'm sure. I don't know why Edward didn't just tell you what happened but that's it, I swear."

"God Edward, why didn't you just tell me!" Bella cried out angrily rubbing at her eyes.

"Fuck. Fuck." She said, over and over again as angry tears rolled down her face barely feeling Alice's arms as they wrapped around her.

**

_Bella slowly woke up, stretching a bit, opening her eyes when she didn't feel Edward's warm body next to her. Even though it was easily over 70 degrees in the room she shivered, pulling the blankets up around her. The clock glowed 6:30 am in the still dark room, the rising summer sun barely reaching in through the blinds. She looked around, her eyes settling on Edward fast asleep in the computer chair facing the bed._

_She released the covers and climbed out of bed tiptoeing across the room over to the chair, kneeling by his side._

"_Edward. Eddie..." she whispered brushing a strand of hair away from his face. He stiffened, slowly opening his eyes looking back at her._

"_What are you doing sleeping in the chair?" she asked touching his cheek with her hand. He caught her wrist, flipping it over and kissing the top of her hand._

_He paused a moment before saying, "I don't know…when you feel asleep you looked so peaceful. I didn't want to disturb you. Lately it seems like you're only truly content when you're sleeping. I must have fallen asleep watching you."_

"_I'm content with you." she said automatically. "Come back to bed."_

"_No." he said slowly rising, pulling her up to her feet. "You sleep, I need to shower and get ready for work. I think I'll go in early today." He held the blankets up for her as she crawled back in bed; snuggling against his pillow and making a sad baby face up at him._

_He kissed her softly, his lips barely touching her forehead. He walked to the door pulling his t-shirt off over his head as he grabbed a towel sitting on the shelf beside his bed._

"_I love you." she called out, sounding more desperate than she meant too._

"_I know." He turned once giving her a sad smile as he walked out, slowly closing the door behind him._

_**_

"_When are you coming home?" Bella asked into her phone sprawled on top of Edward's bed, her book forgotten next to her. She sat up and moved over to his computer, opening up Facebook, already logged into his account._

"_I'm on my way back now. It's going to take longer than normal though…I'm walking back."_

"_From Center City? That's almost two miles Ed why don't you just take the subway. I can come pick you up if you want."_

"_No it's ok, I have a lot on my mind."_

"_Like what…" she asked warily._

"_Nothing, I could just use the time to clear my head, that's all."_

"_Ok...I'll see you soon then I guess."_

"_Love you." he said hollowly, hanging up before she got the chance to say it back._

_Bella put her phone down on the desk running her hand roughly through her hair with frustration._

_She turned back to the computer, frowning slightly when she saw the little illuminated (1) next to his message inbox. She didn't plan on opening it, but when she saw the picture of the unfamiliar blonde girl next to the message curiosity got the best of her. What could this girl have to say to him that couldn't be said on his wall?_

_**_

_Bella waited at the foot of the stoop for Edward to come home from work. She nervously twirled her hair around her finger, going over the short conversation they had on the phone earlier._

_She took his pack of Camel Crushes out of her pocket, peering in and seeing that she broke them by sitting down, the little flecks of tobacco coming out of the bent cigarettes. She scrunched the pack in her hand, staring in front of her, trying to stop her brain from churning around the thoughts that were flying through her head._

"_You know you owe me five bucks for that pack now?" Bella jumped, startled by Edward as he walked up to her. She rose immediately, faltering slightly at the stiffness in her joints. "Careful," he said grabbing her arm gently, "Are you always so jumpy or is this just the normal reaction to seeing me?" he joked sitting back down with her._

"_I guess I was just sitting here so long I got stiff…" she said quietly._

"_How long were you waiting here?" he asked, noticing her goose bumps, running his hands up and down her arms, using the friction to warm them._

"_I don't know…a while."_

"_Come on, let's go inside. It may be summer but it still gets chilly."_

_They walked inside and she headed up the steps to his room, sitting on the corner of his bed. He peeled off his light jacket before settling down on the chair in front of her._

"_So what'd you do today?"_

"_What did you have to think about?" she asked ignoring his question._

"_I don't know Bella, just life. Don't you ever need time alone to just unwind?"_

_She stood up walking over to him, reaching over his shoulder to hit his computer mouse, erasing the screen saver instantly showing the Facebook message she had been reading earlier. His eyes quickly scanned the message stopping when he got to, "I loved sleeping with you the other night…I hope it happens again really soon ;). "_

"_Were you thinking about that?" she said her voice cracking as she walked to the other side of the room, turning to face him._

"_Of course not, Bella. I didn't… You're overreacting nothing happened."_

"_Are you sure about that? How am I supposed to believe you?" she whispered, tears coming to her eyes._

_Edward moved to hug her and stopped, looking down and backing away from her._

"_I have to tell you something," When he looked back up at her his eyes were filled with pain and Bella knew instantly that all her assumptions were true. The room was silent as they both looked at each other. It seemed like ages before he finally spoke._

"_I…I cheated on you Bella. I'm so sorry."_

_In that moment Bella felt like her world was falling apart, her vision become fuzzy around the edges and she suddenly felt faint. She didn't know what was worse the cold hardness she felt when he hugged her, the look in his eye that made her know that he truly was deeply sorry, or the fact that Emmett chose that exact moment to come bursting into the room with a group of their friends._

_Bella numbly sat on the edge of Edward's bed staring blankly at the TV not taking in any of the images flashing across the screen. She was faintly aware of Emmett talking and of the group of people surrounding her laughing and chatting over their beers. She felt someone touch her arm but didn't look down, knowing it was Edward. She stood up ignoring him as she walked out of the room, down the stairs and out the front door. He didn't follow her and she sat out front, resting her head up against the side of the house listening to the conversations seeping down from his room through the open window. Bella didn't know how long she sat there, but the next thing she knew Edward was softly shaking her awake. She sleepily wiped at her eyes, not protesting when he reached his arms under her legs lifting her up and pressing her body to his as he carried her back inside. He laid her down on his bed and curled up on top of the sheets next to her. He inched closer and put his arm around her, pulling her to him so that her body was flush against his. They laid there, fully clothed facing each other, neither one saying a word until they both fell asleep…_

_Bella woke up the next morning stiffly stretching her legs. She ran her hands through her hair turning around when she felt Edward's warm hand on her back. It was hard for her to keep up the cold expression on her face when she looked into his pleading eyes. She stood up suddenly; going through the motions Edward did the day before, pulling her shirt off over her head and stepping out of the jeans she fell asleep in. She grabbed a towel as she walked out the door, knowing that Edward's eyes followed her the whole time._

_She stood in the shower, the scalding water beating down on her. She let the water wash over her face, the heat making her uncomfortable, leaving angry red welts all over her body. She stayed in the shower until the hot water ran ice cold. She dried herself off, looking in the mirror and wiping at the mascara that was running down her face from not removing her makeup the night before. She walked out into the cool air of the house directly into Edward's room. She didn't care that Emmett and Jasper were there and barely registered the jests Emmett was throwing at her from her entrance in just a towel. She ignored them, grabbing a pair of jeans and a tank top and walking out of the room again. She took her time getting dressed; carefully packing up the miscellaneous stuff she had lying around in the bathroom. She was grateful to see that Emmett and Jasper were gone when she reentered Edward's room._

"_Bella, we need to talk…"_

"_About what?" she asked feigning ignorance as she gathered up her clothes that were scattered around his room._

"_Don't play dumb, you know. Let me explain it's not what you think."_

_She glared at him as if daring him to go on._

"_What, you don't trust me?"_

_She raised an eyebrow at him defiantly, not saying a word._

"_I can't be with someone who doesn't trust me."_

"_Then maybe you shouldn't." she said bitterly pushing him to the side as she used the mirror near his bed to apply her eyeliner._

"_Bella look, you know I care about you a lot...I just… I don't know. Maybe this isn't working."_

_Bella wasn't sure if she was ready for this conversation. She thought long and hard all night and in the shower on what she was going to do. Her heart was breaking knowing that Edward was unfaithful to her, even if she didn't know to what degree. Bella had made it very clear that she believed in monogamy, even if he didn't. She knew it was coming, but it still didn't make it hurt any less when he finally spoke those words._

"_If you don't trust me, I don't know what to do. I've been thinking about it for a while. We're not as happy as we were together earlier in the summer. I think we should end things between us. It's better this way, for everyone, not just us…"_

_She had gone through the different scenarios in her head on what she would say and the words she knew he would reply back with. Bella was used to fighting for him. She knew him well enough to say the right things to reassure him that nothing would go wrong, convincing him to give them another chance. It was emotionally exhausting having to do this every two weeks or so. This time she was just too tired. Tired of the fighting and bickering over nothing, tired of their friends secretly disapproving of their relationship, tired of Edward doubting her feelings for him._

"_Ok." she said as she started to carefully pack her bag, scanning his room to make sure every part of her in it was gone._

"_Ok what? You think we should break up too?"_

_She looked him in the eye, seeing a mix of hurt and surprise. It was almost as if he wanted her to tell him to stop being stupid, that they were fine together and who cares if they fought occasionally, that's what happens in relationships._

"_Yes." she said, taking one last look around the room as she walked out of the door._

**

Bella woke up feeling the familiar satin of her sheets beneath her. She squeezed her eyes tightly, thinking about the vivid dream she had just woken up from. It was as if she relived every moment all over again, everything crystal clear in her memory. Bella became aware of a warm body next to her and she opened her eyes, turning around and sighing as she took in the person next to her.

"Alice…Alice wake up."

"Bella, are you ok? I'm sorry you were just so upset last night, I must have fallen asleep right after you did..."

"It's ok." Bella said moving to hug her friend, not anticipating the wave of emotion that came over her.

"I'm so sorry…I'm so sorry Bella. You know I want more than anything for you to be happy again."

Bella broke down, sobbing and crying, clinging to Alice, letting all her emotions out yet again. As her tears dried up and her breathing finally calmed down Bella said, "This is the last time I'll cry over Edward Cullen."

"I hope so." said Alice with a small smile, just as unconvinced of the statement as Bella.

She thanked Alice, slowly letting her go. Bella laid back down in her bed and turned her body facing the wall. One of her favorite songs ran through her head, acting as a lullaby, with the combination of the lyrics and Alice rubbing her back slowly putting her to sleep.

"_Call me anything but lonely, throw a stone disown me,_

_Let'em know I'll never, ever be the same._

'_Cause they all head on home in the morning,_

_Get on gone when it's storming._

_Let'em know I'll never kiss it all away_

_When the morning sun comes, you'll know I didn't run._

'_Cause when the rain came, it still never changed._

_Through the laughter and the tears, the pain and my fears,_

_I'll stay, I'll wait right here..."_

The realization that Edward was no longer in her life the way he used to be made her devastatingly unhappy, but at the same time brought a peaceful calmness to her as she fell into a dreamless sleep.


	4. Chapter 3: The Greatest Lie

_If I could get this feeling to end,_

_Trembling idle hands, holding me there._

_We laugh in the face of love,_

_Cause nobody's really there, nobody's real._

_The Greatest Lie- Circa Survive_

**Chapter 3: The Greatest Lie**

Bella slid her oversize vintage 55 sunglasses over her eyes, hiding the dark bags underneath them. She hitched her black leather tote bag further up her arm, putting in her headphones. It was the first day of classes, lovely, and the campus was crawling with students.

Bella walked into her writing for journalism class a little over ten minutes early, a feat for her since she was notorious for being late. She chose a seat close to the front, tossing her bag by her feet. She absentmindedly picked at her grey Converse Chuck Taylor's fixing the tongues so they slid underneath the bottom of her dark wash skinny jeans. Alice woke her up two hours before her first class to pick out an outfit, quickly discarding the A&F polo and ripped jeans she had laid out the night before.

"No you don't. New year, new and improved you." smiled Alice as she shoved an armful of American Apparel and Urban Outfitter's clothing at her. Bella was overwhelmed with all the clothes; the deep V- necks, light cardigans, drawstring hoodies in several colors, high-waisted pocket skirts and tight jersey dresses. She drew the line at the dresses and refused to wear the kitten heeled shoes Alice tossed at her. It was a miracle in itself that Bella didn't go to class in sweatpants. She pulled up her V-neck shirt, mentally kicking herself for listening to Alice, not wearing an undershirt and thus putting the little amount of cleavage she did have on display.

The classroom quickly filled up and the professor started to take attendance. Bella listened closely to each name not wanting to look around for familiar faces. Everyone but Bella swiveled around in their chairs when the door opened, signaling someone arriving late. Bella heard the person giving a low apology before taking a seat near the back.

"Campbell, Sean."

"Chestnut, Hilary."

"Cullen, Edward."

Bella whipped around immediately, eyes stopping three rows back at Edward, arm raised holding a finger up signaling to the teacher who he was. He gave Bella a small smile nodding to the empty seat at his side. Bella pretended not to notice, quickly turning around and lowering her head letting her hair fan around her burning face.

"Fuck. Fuck. Are you kidding me?" she thought frantically to herself. She tried to remember why she wouldn't know that Edward of all people was in one of her classes. She distantly recalled him talking about having to change his schedule, but they never discussed what classes he ended up picking.

Bella was grateful when the professor dimmed the lights, not wanting Edward to see her flushed face or her hands shaking uncontrollably as she quickly took down the notes from the slides. By the time class was over, Bella had regained some of her composure. She made sure to take her time packing up her bag, ensuring she was one of the last people in the classroom. She pushed open the doors to the building breathing in the fresh autumn air making her way down the ramp only to come to an abrupt stop several feet from the door.

She heard people cursing at her, shifting to the side as they flowed around her. What made her stop was Edward; leaning against the side of the building, one foot up against the wall, black Ray-Ban Wayfayer's covering his eyes, head bent low, slowly exhaling a cloud of smoke. Everyone always scoffed at the idea that Bella actually liked the fact that Edward smoked, questioning how she wasn't repulsed by his disgusting habit. She liked the distinct smell his Camel Crushes' gave off, how every time someone lit up a menthol she thought of him. She liked the taste of it and the tingly feeling it left on her lips when she kissed him. She found him incredibly sexy when he smoked, James Dean-esque in a way. He looked up noticing her and starting making his way over to where she was standing.

"I waited for you." he spoke softly, flicking his wrist a bit to ash the cigarette.

"I see that." Bella said shortly trying desperately not to look at his face.

"Well… uh how was the rest of your weekend?"

"It was fine…" Bella trailed off, awkwardly looking at her hands. "Look, I have another class…"

"Oh I'm sorry I didn't realize." Edward moved out of her way giving her a quick nod. "I'll see you later then."

Bella went to walk away, turning back around, "Why are you in an entry level Journalism class?"

"I found out that it's a requirement for my major and my stupid advisor didn't inform me of the fact until our last appointment, you know all about the shitty Temple's advising system."

He looked almost hopeful when Bella automatically smiled a bit, expecting her to say something in reply. Instead she turned around quickly walking away, not looking back to see him still rooted in place, watching her go.

*

The rest of the day went by in a blur. Bella skipped her second class to calm down in the large computer Tech Center sipping on her Starbuck's tea. She hated that Edward still had an effect on her. Losing track of time, she showed up out of breath and late to her Italian class. She scanned the room quickly taking the only empty seat near the back.

"What'd I miss?" she said breathlessly to the guy sitting next to her. She almost gasped when he turned towards her, the obvious surprise on her face.

"Oh my god, James! I didn't even recognize you."

"Bella, see you haven't changed much." he said laughing as her cheeks blushed a crimson red.

Bella had developed a small school girl crush on James, the tall brunette frat brother, before Edward was even a flicker on her boy radar. James wasn't wildly attractive, but he was good looking in his own way. It was hard to say who was more disapproving of the friendly relationship they had last year, Edward or James's girlfriend Victoria.

"So how's life? How are you and Cullen, married with children?" joked James as the teacher handed out their syllabuses

"Ouch. No," Bella said making a face shaking her head a little, "We broke up a couple of weeks ago actually. But don't worry, I'll be fine. Contrary to popular belief, there is in fact life without Edward Cullen. How about you, how's Vicki? She still a jealous bitch?"

James let out a bellowing laugh, causing several people to turn around, glaring at them.

"Oh she is and will forever be a cold-hearted. But no, we're broken up as well…yesterday as a matter of fact."

"Oh James, I'm so sorry." She said instantly feeling bad until James made eye contact with her, his eyes shining brushing off her budding concern.

"What are you doing after class? Wanna catch up properly over a late lunch?"

Bella thought for a second, not bothering to check the small smile that was creeping up on her face.

"Yeah…I think I'd like that."

*

The next two weeks flew by, Bella having a serious love/hate relationship with her Tuesday, Thursday classes due to having one with both Edward and James. She avoided Edward, making sure to always arrive after him, positioning herself at the other end of the classroom. It was the complete opposite with James, they met up for coffee before every class, and he had picked up the routine of always walking her back to her apartment after her last Monday, Wednesday, Friday class, much to Alice's disapproval.

Alice had made her distain for James obvious, her opinion of him from last year unchanged. He was the typical cocky frat boy, the epitome of everything Alice hated in a guy. Bella on the other hand loved his openness and his outgoing personality, even if sometimes he did come off as an asshole. It was a good contrast to the brooding insecure Edward that replaced the easy going happy one that Bella had fallen in love with.

"I'd never have to convince James that he's good enough for me." Thought Bella bitterly, remembering the numerous times Edward told her that she was too good for him.

Much to Alice's secret displeasure, they hadn't been back to the boy's house since Bella's fight with Edward. They met up with Emmett and Jasper for dinner on Thursday's, during Edward's night class. Bella felt more than a little guilty that everyone had to walk on egg shells around her, fearing an emotional breakdown. She knew that Alice probably told at least Jasper about the times she would walk into the apartment, hearing Bella blaring depressing music, locked away in her room.

Then that Friday, two weeks into her "depression", she snapped out of it. Bella had looked in the mirror seeing the dark circles under her eyes and the sickly pallor of her skin and was just…so over it. That's the thing about depression, if you really allow yourself to feel it; it gets very boring, very fast. Even Bella had gotten sick of herself. It still hurt her to think of Edward but there was no reason to go sulking around wasting away for him. He was not worth the pain she was putting herself though.

Alice had noticed the change in Bella's mood instantly. "Thank God, are you done now? You don't realize how depressed you were making me with that fricken playlist. If I have to hear, 'goodbye my almost lover, goodbye my hopeless dreams' one more time…" she made a sweeping motion across her neck, obviously not appreciating A Fine Frenzy like Bella did.

"Shut up." laughed Bella pushing Alice out of the way, "I'm going to be late for class."

*

"So what are the plans for tonight?" called Alice later that night from her room walking out wrapped in a towel.

"Meh I don't know, probably just going over to the frat to see James…"

"Oh scandalous. Well naturally I have to go with you, make sure you protect your virtue from that dirty scummy Greek."

Bella rolled her eyes with obvious annoyance, "Please you know we're not like that. He's an ego-booster and he just keeps me around to feel self important. I enjoy his company, he's my friend. That's all. I don't expect anything from him, and I don't expect anything to happen with him either so you can back off."

"Testy, don't get your panties in a bunch." Alice ruffled her wet hair walking back into her room. "If I go with you, you have to come with me to the boy's house. You and Edward have had enough time to mope around and I promised Jasper I'd stop by for a bit."

"Wait, what? Since when have you been making promises to Jasper?" questioned Bella ignoring the comment about her and Edward.

"Alice you're blushing. What's going on? How long have you been…talking to Jasper?" asked Bella cautiously.

"Nothing's going on. I've been just meeting up with him every once in a while. He's tutoring me in math."

Bella narrowed her eyes, not liking the sound of the situation.

"Don't look at me like that. I've been talking to him the past week. He was worried about you. We all are. You guys aren't taking this breakup as well as we thought you would. I was really doing it for your benefit you know. Telling Jazz to keep an eye on E."

Bella sighed not wanting to fight with Alice. It wouldn't be the end of the world if Jasper and Alice got together. Bella knew that deep down Alice truly did like Jasper, even if she just claimed to only like the attention. The little free spirit thing was just an act and Bella knew that what Alice really wanted was a steady boyfriend.

*

By the time Bella and Alice arrived at the frat house, it was already packed. Bella made a beeline for the door ignoring the line of people waiting to get it. One of the brothers waved them by, handing them cups without asking for money.

"Shesh Bells how many of these guys did you have to bone to get that kind of special treatment."

Bell ignored her, looking around for James. They hung around for a bit, running into their regular crowd, Jessica, Angela, Mike Newton, and Tyler Crowley among others. Bella spotted Victoria standing in the corner with her other sorority sisters and waved, quickly dropping her arm at the cold glare she got in return.

"Oh well looks like some things never change." said Alice with a small laugh, observing the quick transaction between the girls. "Oh look there's James."

Bella looked up to see James walking down the stairs, arm in arm with two freshman girls. Bella laughed to herself before turning to Alice.

"Figures, you're right something's never do change."

Bella was apathetic to James obviously forgetting wanting to hang out with her at the party, instead too busy grinding against various freshman girls on the other side of the room.

"I told you. Dirty Greek scum. He could lose the holier than thou shit attitude, it only works for guys who are actually attractive." said Alice draining her cup and tossing it over her shoulder not caring that it hit someone on its way down. "Come on lets go. We're going to Sloppy. Finish that," she said pointing to Bella's cup, "You're gonna need it."

*

"I think I'll just be out here for a bit." said Bella nervously, remembering what happened the last time she was at the boy's house. She half expected Alice to drag her up to the door but was grateful when she replied, "Suit yourself. Call me if you need anything."

Jasper opened the door for Alice, peering curiously at Bella seated on the stoop with no intention of getting up anytime soon. He gave her a slight nod, closing the door softly behind him.

Bella sighed as she reached into her purse pulling out her pack of Djarum Black cloves. She took one out quickly lighting it, breathing in the sweet bubblegum flavor. Smoking cloves was a nasty habit she picked up over the summer, constantly being outside with Edward on his smoke breaks. She liked how they calmed her down the same way cigarettes did, but without the burning sensation in her chest.

Bella's eyes scanned the street, nodding and smiling whenever she recognized someone. She heard a tiny meow coming from the side of the house, catching her attention.

"Aww Moochie." Bella cooed discarding the clove, scooping the skinny stray calico cat off the ground cradling it to her body.

"How's my baby boy? Has Eddie been feeding you?" she continued in her high pitched voice, feeling the cat's ribs and frowning.

"I know, Mommy and Daddy got a divorce but we both still love you." Bella chuckled to herself, remembering the way her and Edward used to jokingly fight over who get their beloved cat if they ever broke up. She always won.

Bella turned around when she heard the door open, the light from inside illuminating Edward's silhouette.

"Hi…" he said cautiously, taking the unlit cigarette out of his mouth and looking warily at her.

Bella thought for a second before giving a sad smile and tapping the concrete next to her. She watched him as he flicked the lighter on, inhaling deeply until the tip of the cigarette flamed.

"Want one?" he asked huskily.

"I'll pass" she said motioning to the cat she was cradling in her arms, "It's not good for the baby."

Edward broke out in an easy laugh and it pained Bella to hear it, remembering how easy and light hearted everything used to be between them.

They sat there in silence for a bit until Edward finally spoke.

"Jasper told me you were out here."

"Yeah, I figured that much."

"Are you mad?"

"I was, but no, I'm not anymore." Bella said honestly.

Edwards hand reached over as he gently started rubbing Moochie in between his ears.

"Moochie misses you." he said avoiding her gaze.

"I know…I miss him too."

"Moochie misses talking to you every night."

"I miss talking to him too. We have a lot to catch up on don't we mister." She said looking lovingly at the cat as it purred contently in her arms.

"Moochie doesn't like sleeping alone at night." Edward whispered softly, no longer talking about the cat.

She paused for a second, absorbing what he said, before replying, "And I can't sleep without Moochie." motioning to the dark circles under her eyes.

She flinched a bit when he raised his hand lightly cupping her cheek. She automatically leaned into his palm, lowering her head tucking it comfortably in his shoulder.

She breathed in deeply, sighing against his chest, temporarily shutting her mind off from the outside world.

*

"_Well…aren't you gonna kiss him?" Edward asked, putting his arm around Bella pulling her close. Bella bit her lip and looked up at him, his eyes shining back at her. _

"_Go on, do you want me to quote you, 'Aww Eddie poo look at the little bitty kitten! If he wasn't so dirty I'd give him a kiss. Can we give him a batttthhhh?'" Bella laughed at Edward's poor imitation of her, her smile lighting up her whole face. _

_Click. "Aww, family portrait." _

_They both tore themselves from each other's gazes to see Alice, camera in hand, snapping away. _

"_How adorable. Look at your baby!" She squealed. "Let's go get a bow for the cute little kitty cat!" She plucked poor Moochie out of Bella's arms, racing upstairs to find Jasper. _

"_Oh my god, Edward! He scratched you up pretty badly." Bella said with concern looking down at Edward's arms, running her fingers along the shallow gashes the cat's claws left on his arm._

"_It's ok, it doesn't hurt. Really, it was worth it." he said, tipping her chin up to face him._

"_Edward, what are you doing?" Bella asked breathlessly, unable to take her eyes off him._

"_Nothing, nothing at all." he said teasingly bringing up his other hand to push a strand of her hair away from her face._

"_Gosh, um we should really clean up here. Look at the mess we made." Bella said almost frantically looking around the bathroom at the pools of water and dirty towels from the little impromptu bath they gave the stray cat, dubbed Moochie for his constant begging for food._

_He chuckled lightly, bringing his face so close to hers she could count each one of his eyelashes._

"_We should really check on Moochie. God knows what Alice is doing to the poor cat now…" She trailed off losing herself in the pools of Edward's eyes._

"_Shh, stop talking." he whispered, his breath hot against her face, "Are you really thinking about the cat right now?"_

_Bella swallowed, opening her mouth to form words but no longer able to think coherently due to her close proximity to Edward._

_Bella held her breath as Edward moved even closer to her, pressing his forehead against hers. He licked his lips once before bringing both of his hands up to cup her face, softly pressing his lips to hers. It was a soft sweet kiss, a question, asking if this is what she wanted too. They broke away, looking into each other's eyes. As if to answer him, Bella reached up behind him, pulling him closer to her and running her hands roughly through his hair, biting her bottom lip staring intently at his face. When their lips pressed a second time it was anything but chaste, Bella all but moaning as she felt Edward's tongue gently pushing her lips apart to enter her mouth. Bella lost control of all her senses as she pushed herself flush against Edward's body losing herself in their kiss. Feeding off her new sense of urgency, Edward grunted grabbing her by the waist and lifting her up to rest her on the sink, making her eye level to him. Bella gasped for air as he ran his hands up and down her sides, leaving wet open mouthed kisses along her neck. The sparking tension they normally had around each other was on fire, consuming them, and Bella felt her whole body start to heat up. She pulled away, trying to catch her breath, both of them breathing heavily. Edward gripped her thighs tightly, resting his head on her chest, slowly tracing her collarbone with his fingers._

"_Bella." he groaned softly._

"_Oh shit." _

_Bella jumped letting out a little scream as they turned over to see Jasper standing in the doorway, more than a little shell shocked. His eyes widened as he took in the scene before him, Bella and Edward's still soaked clothing from giving the cat a bath and the bright flush of Bella's cheeks. _

"_Uhh we're going to get dinner soon… You guys should make yourselves decent." He gave Edward an odd look before closing the bathroom door behind him._

"_Oh my god, I'm so embarrassed." cried Bella bringing her hands up to cover her very red face._

"_Don't be. Come on kid let's get you a dry shirt." Edward said kissing her lightly on the forehead. He had a smug look on his face as he tugged at her wet tank, carefully picking her up off the sink top and setting her feet back on the ground._

_Bella smiled, ducking under his arm, not being able to hold back the soaring in her heart and the dizziness she felt when he placed his hand on her lower back, leading her out of the bathroom._

*

They sat their silently for a long time, Edward softly stroking her hair.

"Bella, what's wrong?" he asked, feeling her body shake ever so slightly.

"Nothing." she wiping a tear from her eye, slowly sitting up. Her lip quivered slightly, taking in the pained expression on his face.

"How…How could…" she broke down, her body shaking with the silent sobs coursing through her.

"Bells, I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you. I never meant to hurt you." he said reaching for her again. As he pulled her close, the cat squirmed in her arms jumping out and angrily hissing at them before trotting off down the street. She threw her arms around his neck, sobbing into his shoulder, too weak to fight the emotions Edward brought out in her anymore.

"Do you wanna go inside," he whispered softly in her ear.

She nodded, not bothering to move her head away from his chest.

"Ok come on, I got you." he said soothingly as he picked her up.

Edward kicked the door open ignoring the stares of everyone inside as he slowly carried her up the stairs, Bella hiding her tear stained face against his shoulder.

"Edward..." Emmett said reaching out to him trying to get his attention.

"Don't." He replied coldly continuing up the stairs.

When Edward reached his room, he carefully placed Bella on his bed, quickly turning off the blaring rap music and putting on something softer. Bella smiled softly as Andrew McMahon's voice filled the room, the piano music achingly beautiful, bringing back another flood of memories of when she saw Jack's Mannequin with Edward over the summer.

"_Two to one, static to the sound of you & I,  
Undone for the last time.  
& there this was, hiding at the bottom of your  
Swimming pool some September.  
& don't you think, I wish I could stay,  
Your lips give you away,_

_  
I can hear it, the jet engine, through the center of the storm.  
And I'm thinking I'd, prefer not to be rescued…"_

Edward laid down next to her carefully pulling her too him, her head resting on his chest. Bella sighed closing her eyes feeling the rapid beating of Edward's heart right by her ear. She tried to stay awake, taking in everything about him and submitting it to her memory, not knowing when she'd be able to be like this with him again. As she fell asleep, she was aware of Edward slowly stroking her back, kissing the top of her head.

"Good night Bells."

*

Edward woke with a start, not even realizing he had fallen asleep. He heard the pounding on the door a second time before someone pushed it roughly open.

"Edward, what the fuck are you doing?" Emmett hissed looking at Bella sprawled across his body.

"I'm not doing anything just leave me alone." Edward said gripping her tighter, protectively holding her firm against his body.

"You can't do this and you know it."

Edward ignored him, hoping that if he didn't say anything Emmett would leave. He moved his hand slowly through Bella's hair, twirling the ends around his fingers.

"This is only going to make things worse. Don't say I didn't warn you." Emmett spat out, slamming the door with a bang causing the room to shake momentarily.

Enveloped once again in darkness, Edward looked down at Bella in his arms. She was so fragile and small, she needed him. And in that moment, he knew that he needed her too…

*

"Bella, Bella." She slowly opened her eyes, blinking a couples times.

"Hey sorry to wake you so early. I have work this morning. You can stay and sleep or I can drop you off at your place on the way. It's up to you; either way is fine with me."

Bella, realizing where she was, sat up groggily saying, "No, I'll just go when you leave."

"Are you sure?" he asked frowning slightly as he touched the side of her cheek like he had the night before. Bella nodded and sat there watching Edward get ready. She looked away, embarrassed, when Edward pulled off the shirt he was wearing trading it for the dark navy button-up hanging in his closet.

He sat down in the computer chair running a hand through his hair and looking over at her still sitting under his covers.

Bella coughed, stretching her legs as she got out of bed, reaching for her shoes. She blushed feeling him watching her, looking up to meet his eyes. Edward rose, holding a hand out to her. She wordlessly took it, walking out first and awkwardly waiting on the sidewalk as he locked the front door behind him.

Bella wordlessly got into his car, buckling up even though they were only going a few blocks to her apartment. They didn't say a word for the duration of the drive. When Edward pulled up to the drop off in front of her place Bella broke the silence, "You realize things can't just go back to how they were before. It's not the same, everything's different now."

"I know Hun, I know." He said leaning over and kissing her on the forehead. "I'll see you Tuesday."

"Friends?" she said awkwardly holding her hand out to him. She couldn't read the wave of emotion that flashed across Edwards face, disappearing before she could register what it was.

He carefully took her hand, giving it a soft shake.

"Yeah…just friends"


	5. Chapter 4: Medicine & Poison

_Well don't call me by my full name, all this is temporary.  
It feels much better to know that you won't feel a thing.  
Well don't talk about it; write it down but don't ask for help.  
I can't be honest with even myself.  
Did you ever wish you were somebody else?_

_-Circa Survive_

**Chapter 4: The Difference Between Medicine & Poison is in the Dose **

It was comforting to be friends with Edward again. It took Bella by surprise how easily they were able to pick up right where they left off. It was as if the month and a half of not talking and being apart didn't happen at all. She and Edward fell back into old habits, unconsciously flirting and being affectionate toward each other. From the outside they still looked like a couple, not just friends trying to salvage their relationship.

Bella don't know who was more surprised by their sudden make-up, Alice or Emmett. Emmett didn't actually come out and say he didn't approve of the way her and Edward acted around each other, but she saw it in his eyes and the way he would scowl at them every chance he got. Bella had expected Alice to be happy, no ecstatic, for her when she found out that she and Edward were on their way to mending their friendship, but it was the exact opposite.

"Bella what the fuck are you doing? Why would you want anything to do with him again? Did you guys ever really talk about everything?"

No, they didn't, that was the big problem. It was easier to go about like nothing happened, to pretend things were fine again between them when they really weren't. Both her and Edward side-stepped the issue, knowing it had to be brought up but neither one of them wanting to be the person to ruin things all over again. Bella still loved Edward, and even if she couldn't be with him, she was just content having him back in her life again.

"He broke your heart. So tell me, all he has to do is smile and act like everything's fine to earn your forgiveness?"

Bella ignored her, honestly not even knowing herself what she was doing. It became a daily topic for them to fight about. Alice getting angrier every day that went by that the real issues between Bella and Edward remained unresolved.

Bella looked down at the sketch she was working on and continued drawing. Everything that happened with Edward seemed to inspire her and she couldn't remember the last time she drew so much. Bella put all the unspoken thoughts and emotions she had every day into her art, spending hours listening to music and drawing. The night after that sleepover with Edward, she picked up the pencil and drew for about six hours straight. Alice had gotten all excited to see she was doing something productive with the hours she spent awake at night, picking out a frame and proudly displaying the cityscape of Philadelphia she drew in the family room. Bella's insomnia was stronger than ever and she was never able to sleep, her mind always preoccupied with Edward.

Bella turned her Ipod on, setting out her supplies to start on her newest sketch. She started flipping through her playlist, scrolling down until she found the one she was looking for. She pressed play starting the mix; bringing back the emotions she felt when she first made it.

"_A blue, black shade of love, sent from above.  
My hands are tied to worlds unknown, & this I know.  
Your breath's like wine, & just like clouds, my skin crawls.  
It's so divine, the sky it glows with fields of light._

_Did you know that I love you?  
Come and lay with me, I love you.  
& all this day, I will love you.  
You make me feel alive,  
& I'll love you until the end of time."_

She smiled, remembering how she had stayed up all night, going through hours of music trying to find the perfect songs to put together. It was the first mix-cd she made for Edward and she wanted it to be perfect…

*

"_So whatcha doing?" Edwards voice rang out loudly from her phone, Bella's house silent at 1:30 am._

"_I'm drawing, I can't sleep."_

"_Aw, what are you drawing?" She heard him swallow and I didn't have to ask to know that he was drinking._

"_Just something that makes me think of you." _

"_Hmm really you think of me? "he joked. Bella heard mumbling in the background and Edward muffling the phone not wanting her to hear his reply._

"_If you're busy I can just call you back later…" she said hesitantly after a couple minutes of silence. _

"_No it's ok; I'm the one who called you. Don't laugh, but I think I might actually miss you."_

"_Shut up." Bella laughed, not being able to keep the smile from spreading across her face. _

"_You're smiling aren't you?" Edward asked with a small chuckle._

"_How could you tell?"_

"_I don't know your voice changes when you smile. Nothing noticeable but it does go up a little... and you tend to slur the end of your sentences a bit." _

"_Edward Cullen, I do not slur my words." Bella said with mock sincerity._

_Bella heard the echo of someone asking Edward, "Who's on the phone?" and his muffled reply back, "Who do you think?"_

_Bella heard Jasper start singing, badly, "Edward and Bella sitting in a tree, K. I. S. S. I. N. G. First comes love, then comes…Jesus Edward! I was only joking."_

_Bella laughed, no doubt Edward punishing Jasper in some way for embarrassing him. Jasper didn't ask Edward or Bella about what had gone on in the bathroom the last time she was at their house and neither of them necessarily wanted to bring it up. The fact that they never talked about the incident didn't stop Bella from thinking about it and Edward all the time._

"_I'll call you back." she heard Edward say gruffly._

"_No you don't have too, its fine have fun. Live it up, drink it down right?"_

"_I'll call you in a bit." he said quickly hanging up. Bella sighed going back to her drawing. She couldn't help checking her phone every couple minutes even though the ringer was on high, waiting for his call. "Ugh, why do I care so much that he calls back?" she thought to herself, rolling her eyes. "We're just friends…"_

_*_

_Bella started getting ready for bed, more than just a little disappointed that Edward hadn't called her back. Knowing him he was probably passed out drunk in his room or hooking up with whatever girl caught his fancy at the bar. She felt slightly ill thinking about that, but pushed it out of her mind. She never had a problem with Edwards sexual habits before, nothing should change now._

_Bella curled up against her pillow, willing her brain to shut off so she could get some much needed sleep. Just as she was starting to drift off, her phone rang._

"_Belllaaa!" Edward bellowed into his phone hiccupping a little. _

"_Edward, its 4:30 a.m." she said groggily, looking over at her alarm clock, "I have to get up at 7 for work."_

"_Oh shit, sorry I forgot that the little Freshie doesn't drink when she's at home during the summer. What, the Captain wouldn't approve?"_

_She laughed, holding back all the retorts of not being a freshman anymore or how her dad, nicknamed the Captain by Edward since he was one in the Navy, wouldn't approve of someone almost four years older than her, calling her in the wee hours of the morning._

"_As much as I'd love to chat while you're drunk and get you to confess secrets you'll regret telling me in the morning, I need to sleep."_

"_Wait, hold on. I heard a song and it made me think of you, let me put it on."_

_She heard him stumbling around his room and the clicking of his computer keys._

_She laid back and closed her eyes, listening to the song play through the phone._

"_Can you hear it?" he said softly._

_Bella's breath caught in her throat as she listened to the lyrics, picking up hidden meanings in them._

"_Yes, yes I can."_

"It's you that I really want and we can do what you really want,

if he ain't gon' treat you right, then I ain't gon treat you wrong.  
That's my word, but she done heard so many lies she don't know what's true or not,

Shawty like a valet service, I say she been through a lot.

I put her car in park, and never let her cry alone,

I listen to her heart beat because it plays my favorite song."

_By the time the song finished playing, Bella was shaking and once again wide awake._

"_Sorry for keeping you up Bells, I'll call you tomorrow during your lunch break. Night." He said quickly hanging up. _

_Bella sat in the darkness for a while trying in vain to fall asleep. She could feel her heart pounding and couldn't make it stop. _

"_Maybe, just maybe…last weekend wasn't a mistake. Maybe Edward does like me." she thought, turning on her computer and waiting for it to load._

_She sat there, staring at the screen as it lit up. She didn't know what she'd say to Edward the next time she saw him, or if she would even tell him that she was maybe developing more than platonic feelings toward him so she did what she did best._

_She opened up her Itunes, creating a new playlist. She was going to make a mix tape for Edward. _

*

Bella jumped, looking over at her phone buzzing next to her.

She heard Alice's frustrated groan from the other room, knowing by the ringtone who was calling her. Bella didn't have time to say anything when she answered he talked so fast.

"Hey, you coming over later tonight?"

"Yeah I am. I think Alice is coming too."

"Ok sweet, well we bought a bottle of Limón, so if you plan on actually drinking, bring an extra pair of clothes and you can sleep here. We can go to journalism together tomorrow morning. "

"Yeah that'll be great." Bella said with a smile. "I'll text you to let you know we're on our way. "

"Sounds good, I'll see you soon kid."

Bella put down her phone, running her hands through her hair. She knew Alice didn't approve that she had taken to sleeping over at Edward's the last three Wednesday nights, the both of them going to journalism together in the morning on Thursday's. At the same time she loved being around him, it was almost like the more time she spent with Edward the more it slowly poisoned her, killing her little by little everyday that went by and nothing was truly resolved.

She didn't know what was going on between them anymore. Sometimes she got the feeling that Edward had something on the tip of his tongue that he had to say, catching him with a pained expression on his face when he looked at her. She never mentioned it, and he never said anything about it.

"I hope your enjoying the mind-fuck that is your relationship with Edward," snapped Alice from the other room. "I don't get how you have any self respect taking him back like you did."

Bella ignored her, sick of how she was getting attacked by everyone.

"God wasn't that what they all wanted, for us to be friends again?" Bella shook her head. Sometimes she just didn't get her friends…

*

"Edward calm down. Emmett was joking; he's just drunk…Right Em?"

Everyone was having a good time, just hanging out and drinking until Emmett had to open his stupid mouth. Edward was so furious he was shaking, the vein in his forehead bulging out, clenching and unclenching his fist.

Emmett laughed taking in Edwards's aggressive stance. He moved towards Bella throwing his arm casually around her neck.

"No I wasn't Bells. Really if you were up for it right now, $40 bucks, I could easily send Edward away and fuck you properly."

"Emmett stop," Bella said in disgust trying to push him away, only to have him pull her closer. "I can't believe you would even offer to pay me for sex."

"Let. Her. Go." Edward said, his voice dripping with venom.

"Please you're not going to do anything Edward, stop pretending to be such a hardass."

Emmett released Bella and she scurried quickly to Edwards's side, grabbing his hand.

"Come on, he's kidding lets go out for a smoke you can use it."

"Oh leave him be, he just knows it's inevitable for you to come to me," said Emmett suddenly cocky.

Bella felt Edward stiffen, looking between the boys with confusion in her eyes.

"You know, since there's an ongoing trend of you leaving girls unsatisfied and them running to me."

Edward then did something Bella never imagined him doing; he punched Emmett directly in the face. She screamed hearing the crunching of Emmett's nose as the blood gushed out. Edward pushed him to the floor, repeatedly punching him.

"You fucking asshole how dare you!" he bellowed in between punches, losing control completely.

The door slammed open, Jasper, Alice, and Rosalie no doubt hearing the commotion from downstairs. Jasper acted quickly grabbing Edward and holding him back.

"You crazy fuck." Emmett gasped, nose bleeding, clutching his ribs in pain.

"Bella, help me get him out of here." Jasper said as he dragged Edward past Alice, her eyes wide with fear. Rosalie burst into tears running over to Emmett. Bella too shocked to even say anything, followed Jasper down the stairs and out the door.

"What the fuck Edward. What the fuck." Jasper said pushing Edward roughly into the street.

"You didn't hear what vile things he was saying." Edward said through gritted teeth.

"It doesn't matter what he said Edward. Give me your keys; I'm not letting you back in until you calm the fuck down. " He grabbed the keys out of Edward's hand and stormed back into the house, locking the door behind him.

"Shit!" Edward said repeatedly punching the side of the house.

"Stop it!" Bella screamed seeing Edward's hand dripping with his blood. "What are you doing?"

"You don't know anything." Edward said turning around, angry tears forming in his eyes.

Bella walked over to him, stomaching the fear and the image of Edward beating Emmett to a pulp.

"It doesn't help for you to do that to yourself…" she said carefully touching his bloody knuckles, causing him to wince in pain.

"Come on, let's walk." she said grabbing his other hand. Edward resisted for second before realizing they might as well. Jasper wasn't going to let either of them in the house anytime soon.

They stopped at the corner, letting the cars fly by them on the street, waiting for the light to turn red.

"Are you going to tell me what that was all about?"

"No." he said stubbornly, kicking at a rock on the ground.

"You know what? Fine, I don't care." she said angrily storming away.

"Bella, Bella stop." he called out, running to catch up to her.

She looked down at his still bleeding hand before sighing looking up at him.

"Let's go to my apartment, you need to clean that up."

Edward simply nodded, following her in silence the whole way to her apartment building. She signed him in and led him to her room, opening the door and motioning him to take a seat on the couch in the family room. Bella walked to the bathroom fumbling around looking for supplies to help clean up his hand. She looked at her flushed face in the mirror, smoothing her hair and trying to calm herself down.

She returned with a bottle of peroxide, cotton balls, and a box of band-aids.

"Hold still." she said, grabbing his hand, feeling him tense a little as she dabbed at the cuts with the peroxide. They both watched as it bubbled up momentarily, healing the shallow gashes along his knuckles. She put the band-aids on carefully and set the box down on the coffee table.

"There all better."

"Thanks." Edward mumbled back, finally taking the chance to look around.

"Do you realize this is the first time I've been in your apartment?"

"No." Bella lied standing up and walking quickly into the kitchen. "Do you want something to drink? We don't have beer, only rum and vodka."

"You pick the poison." he said standing up and walking around.

"Did you draw this?" he asked, looking from the cityscape over the TV back to Bella pouring out the mixed drinks.

"Yeah…I started drawing again."

"Wow Bells, it's really good. Is that the only one?"

"No, I have a lot in my bedroom, come on." She motioned him to follow her, opening the door to her little room and turning on the light.

Bella awkwardly stood in front of him, holding her arms out, "Well this is it."

Edward's eyes scanned the tiny room, taking in the massive collage of magazine clippings and photos of her and her friends, stopping when he saw the whole wall dedicated to her artwork.

"Art only comes from happiness?" He asked reading the sign near the ceiling above all her drawings.

"It's Chuck Palahniuk…" she said uncomfortably sitting down on her bed. She sat there silently sipping her drink, realizing that they were alone together for the first time since the break-up.

Edward sighed, lowering himself down on the bed next to her, looking at his hand. Bella's eyes followed his, asking him again.

"Are you going to tell me what happened back there?"

"What do you want to know?" he asked defeatedly looking over at her.

"Everything, tell me everything…"


	6. Chapter 5: Mandala

"_Dance with me for I'll be leaving soon;  
Afterbirth on the keypads overwhelm.  
"Did he who make the lamb make thee?"  
What happens when we reach for each other?"_

_Mandala – Circa Survive_

**Chapter 5: Mandala**

*

"_Are you going to tell me what happened back there?"_

"_What do you want to know?" he asked defeatedly looking over at her._

"_Everything, tell me everything…"_

Everything. There was so much to say Edward didn't even know where to start. Bella knew him better than anyone, even people who knew him his whole life, but there were still parts of him that he kept from her.

Since day one, Edward had never planned on telling Bella what happened between him and Emmett. Only a handful of people knew about it and he wanted to keep it that way, both for his ego and Emmett's reputation. On the outside, everyone saw Edward and Emmett as best friends. Edward had heard the term "bromance" tossed around more than once and it made him want to gag. What people didn't realize is that deep down, he hated, no loathed Emmett. He didn't confide in him like normal friends would, avoided hanging out with him alone as much as possible, and sure as hell didn't trust him. Edward got so used to living a lie he almost believed it himself.

When Edward first met Emmett at freshman orientation, Emmett was a completely different person, quiet and unsure of himself and his new surroundings. Edward took him under his wing, introducing him to Jasper and the other people from his high school that also were attending Temple in the fall. Edward didn't notice right away, but soon everyone started comparing them. It was all just a game; who everyone liked more, who could drink more, who got better grades, which one of them had a better job.

As time went on and Emmett became more confident in himself, he turned into quite the womanizer, using girls left and right, "living the life" as he referred to it. Edward looked down on the casual flings Emmett always had but never said anything. He was more of a relationship guy, dating the same girl for the past four years. Dana, who at the time, Edward thought the love of his life.

Dana was the perfect girlfriend; she grew up next door to Edward and basically knew everything about him. She didn't smother him, letting him have his own space and friends. She practically moved into the small apartment that Edward shared with Emmett by the end of freshman year. Edward didn't think anything of the growing relationship between her and Emmett, glad that his best friend and girlfriend got along.

Second semester sophomore year, Edward decided to study abroad in Rome with Jasper. At first Edward and Dana were apprehensive of spending almost five months apart and being 4,000 miles away from each other, but it was as if the distance brought them closer. They talked every night on the phone and with the web cams Dana bought before he left.

When Edward's family flew out to visit him over Christmas, Dana was his "surprise". It was as if she was already part of the family, more than good friends with his mom and she got along great with his brothers. It was almost too good to be true.

*

Two months had gone by since Edward had gotten back. He felt more than a little bad at the fact that he was so busy with his new job and the extra class he was taking to make up for the semester in Rome that he rarely got to see Dana.

Edward had asked to leave work early, needing to study for his Mass Communications exam the next day. He walked into the apartment and noticed the quiet at once, which was odd because Emmett normally had music blaring or was sitting in the living room cursing at some video game. As he walked past Emmett's door he heard moaning and grunts.

Edward just rolled his eyes, "Of course Emmett would be fucking some random girl at 5:30pm on a Wednesday." He simply ignored it, calling up Dana on the phone, which went straight to voicemail. He left her a message telling her she could stop by later if she still wanted to and settled down in the kitchen taking out his notes to study.

When he heard Emmett's door open, Edward looked up, never more shocked in his life.

Out walked Dana wearing one of Emmett's shirts and nothing else. Her back was still to him, her arms thrown comfortably around Emmett's neck, smiling and whispering something into his ear. Emmett noticed Edward first; looking over Dana's shoulder and seeing him sitting there, mouth open.

"Shit." he said roughly pushing Dana partially behind him.

Dana turned around taking in Edward seated in front of her, the smile instantly leaving her face.

Edward stood up quickly, knocking over the drink he was sipping on sending the glass shattering to the floor.

"Edward… Umm why aren't you at work?" she said grabbing at the shirt and pulling it down looking quickly between him and Emmett.

Edward was surprised at how numb he felt. He was expecting the sensation of his heart breaking or pain to go along with the appropriate metaphor. He pushed past them walking into his room slamming the door behind him. He ignored the bangs on his door and Dana's pleading to give her a chance to explain herself. He packed up as much as he could into his overnight bag and walked out.

He brushed off Dana, blocking out her sobs. He took one look over at Emmett, stone-faced and leaning against the wall, before leaving the apartment.

Edward never forgave Dana, avoiding her around campus and blocking her calls. It had taken a while for him to forgive Emmett, finally giving in because he was sick of his constant begging for forgiveness and his promises that he would change. Edward also did it for their friends, knowing the strain it put on everyone that Emmett and him weren't talking.

Edward stopped letting himself feel any emotions, living life apathetically and in the moment like Emmett. He was so emotionally damaged he didn't know if there was any way to fix him. He was an empty shell of his former self, barely making it day to day, living in a cloudy haze, not letting anyone in. The person who was once so accepting, understanding, and trusting was gone, and he was never coming back. This was his life now, and it wasn't going to change anytime soon.

After Dana, Edward dated a friend of Jasper's for a couple of months. Erica was a sweet girl, but there just wasn't anything there and Edward knew it wasn't going anywhere. He wasn't surprised when he found out a couple of weeks later that Emmett was sleeping with Erica.

Even though he already knew it, it hit Edward that Emmett wasn't a friend at all. He was a horrible, manipulative person, feeding off people's emotions and using them for his own good, not caring who he hurt in the process. He only thought about himself and would never change. That's when the wall Edward had slowly started building up around himself was finally closed off.

That is, until he met Bella. You know that saying that within ten minutes of meeting someone you know whether or not you'd want to be with that person? Well, he didn't need 10 minutes. Edward knew instantly she was the one. She drew me him in and brought the life back into his eyes. She energized him and excited him in ways that he hadn't felt for a long time. He marveled at her trust in people and how she always gave them the benefit of the doubt, easily forgiving people for their mistakes. She was everything he wanted to be again, and everything that he wanted in a person.

She slowly broke down the wall he built up around himself, understanding that something had happened to him that he didn't feel comfortable talking about, and not letting it affect their growing friendship. Edward never imagined that their relationship would progress to be anything more, content in the new light that she brought into his life, not expecting anything else…

*

_Edward compulsively checked his phone for the tenth time, eagerly awaiting Bella's response. He was in DC, celebrating Jasper's 21st birthday but he just wanted to be back in Philly with Bella. It had been almost two weeks since he last saw her and he was going through withdrawals. _

"_What are you up to tonight?" he texted her._

"_Having a couple friends over to drink, nothing special. How's the b-day bash?"_

"_We checked into the hotel an hour ago and we're already in the bar. Damn you for not being 21 this is going to be painful. Drive to DC and rescue me?"_

"_Haha shut up, you'll have fun. Tell everyone I say hi! Miss you E =) "_

_Edward smiled, accidentally making eye contact with a girl across the bar, no doubt thinking he was smiling at her. He groaned inwardly as she stood up making her way towards their table. Normally it was an ego booster for him to be hit on by random girls at bars, but his mind was more pleasantly occupied with thoughts of Bella to notice anyone else in the room._

_He sighed, "It's going to be a long night..."_

_*_

_Several hours later Edward couldn't take it anymore. He was bored, drunk, and sitting in the booth by himself as Jasper, Emmett and the rest of the guys mingled. _

"_So how's your night going? Sufficiently drunk yet?" he texted to Bella._

_Edward laughed at her reply, all the words jumbled up and misspelled, Bella obviously having a good time._

"_Yess wasted! I wish you were here this stupid guy from work won't leave me alone!!"_

"_Well tell him that what Bella wants Bella gets. & what Bella doesn't want, I take care of for her so he better watch out."_

"_What if I want something I can't have, if that statement is correct I still get it…right?"_

"_I don't know what you're talking about lol. But yes, no one can say no to you Bella."_

"_Would you say no to me Edward?"_

_Edward stared at the text message, squinting his eyes really hard. "Damn it why did I have to drink so much." He tried to stop his mind from going there, from thinking that Bella was hinting at wanting HIM. Before he had a chance to reply his phone buzzed again._

"_I have to tell you something…but I don't know if I can. It'll ruin our friendship and I don't want that to happen. I don't want you to hate me"_

"_Nothing can ruin it Hun, and trust me I could never hate you. "_

"_Hypothetically say I more than just didn't hate you…and that I like you. Like you in a way you're not supposed to like your best friend. Would that still not ruin things?"_

_Edward's hands shook a little as he read the text. Ok, so Bella was obviously drunk…but did she really mean it? _

"_I'm going to call you…go somewhere quiet."_

_Edward held his breath as he dialed her number, walking out of the bar and sitting down on the sidewalk by the door._

"_Hello?" croaked a drunk and obviously upset Bella._

"_Bella, what's wrong are you ok?" Edward asked with concern, wishing that he was with her._

"_I don't know…should I be?" she sniffed hiccupping a little._

"_Bells I can't understand you…"_

"_Edward please! God why aren't you here, I need you right now!" She wailed into the phone._

"_Bella calm down, I don't know what you're talking about. Just breathe relax, what happened?"_

"_I'm sorry, I'm sorry I didn't mean to ruin things. Please don't leave me, I didn't mean to ruin things. We can just be friends I don't expect anything out of you. I shouldn't have said it, I shouldn't have sent that. Damn it."_

"_You didn't ruin things Bella, I told you that nothing you could say to me would change how I feel about you."_

_He stopped knowing she wasn't listening to a thing he said, her sobbing making his heart ache for her._

"_Bella stop crying. Listen to me... Are you listening?"_

_Her crying quieted down a little and he waited as she calmed down. _

"_Are you better now?" She didn't reply right away, the silence deafening. "Bella?"_

"_Sorry I nodded; I forgot you can't see me."_

"_Ok, just let me talk. I don't want to be friends with you anymore…" he heard a sharp intake of breath, knowing that he had to spit out the next part before she had a mental breakdown. "I care about you too, more than you should with just friends."_

"_Wait…what? You…like...ME?"_

"_Yes Bella, I like you. I like you as more than a friend."_

"_But why?"_

"_Are you really going to question me right now?" he laughed._

"_No?"_

"_That's what I thought."_

"_You're not just saying this to me now so I stop crying, are you?"_

"_Of course not, I'd never lie to you. Are you better now, happier?"_

"_Just a little…I'm smiling so you know." she said with a little giggle._

"_Ok good, you look so much more beautiful when you smile. Be happy ok? I'll call you tomorrow. "_

"_Ok, I will. Goodnight Edward."_

"_Goodnight Bella."_

_*_

That night changed everything for him. Edward never expected her to feel the same way he did and was almost overwhelmed with the new emotions that hit him. The next couple of months were easily the best of his life, finally being able to be with Bella was more than he could have ever imagined. His feelings for her only continued to grow, until she occupied all his time and his thoughts.

Edward couldn't imagine his life without her. He never wanted to go back to how he used to be before he met her and it scared him just to think about it. Bella never gave him a reason to think otherwise, but he was already thinking about the end.

He saw the way Emmett looked at her, knowing that Emmett was Bella's friend first and it killed him. He started having nightmares, imagining him walking in on Emmett with Bella only to wake up drenched in sweat holding her tightly not wanting to let go. He never felt this way about anyone, even Dana, and it was overwhelming. He needed Bella, needed her so much it hurt. He was scared shitless and couldn't help feeling the way he did. It needed to stop. Edward couldn't put all his trust and the life as he knew it into one person anymore, it was too dangerous.

He unconsciously started building the wall up again, slowly withdrawing her from his life little by little. He could see that Bella was confused with his evasiveness but that she still trusted him. Even though he was moving toward it, it still hurt more than he could possibly imagine when he broke up with her. Seeing her lips trembling and her hands shake, knowing that he was causing her pain killed him. She reflected how he was after the break up with Dana, damaged and broken. He felt it, his heart breaking, the shattered bits ripping into his soul, drowning him.

It was easier for him to be the asshole. More believable than the poor heartbroken emotionally damaged boy who found himself caring too much about his girlfriend. Edward told her he cheated, knowing that that was the one thing she would never forgive him for. He never touched the girl Tanya, she had come over one night over the summer, passed out in bed next to him and that was it. It hurt him that Bella believed him, believed that he would ever do something like that. That he would betray her trust and his love for her, for the pleasure and desire of another person.

Yet, the more time that went by Edward realized he didn't want to be the asshole anymore. He wanted Bella to understand, to truly get him unlike anyone else again. He wanted her to know that deep down even though he did, that he never meant to hurt her.

*

They sat there in silence when he was done talking. Edward was unable to look at her, knowing that his face was flooded with emotions and if she looked into his eyes she would know, know that he still loved her. That she was everything to him, that she was his life.

But he did, he looked up into her eyes and he knew she could see it. Even if they didn't acknowledge it, his love for her was still there. And whenever he would sort through his shit, he would run back to her, that he wanted to run back to her…if she'd let him. Edward didn't expect that to happen, but he hoped that one day, they would be able to be together again, and that she wouldn't hold the time they spent apart against him.

Bella closed the distance between them, hugging him closely to her and sighing. They stayed like that for a while, listening to each other's breathing. Edward could feel her heart beating against him and felt whole again. Bella wordlessly took the drink out of his hand, setting it on the nightstand. She crawled towards the top of the bed, laying down and pulling him down with her. Edward rested his head on her chest, listening to her heartbeat. The last thing he remembered was the feel of her fingers slowly running through his hair as she hummed him to sleep…

_Guess we both know we're in over our heads,  
We got nowhere to go and no home that's left.  
The water is rising on a river turning red,  
It all might be OK or we might be dead.  
If everything we've got is slipping away,  
I meant what I said when I said until my dying day.  
I'm holding on to you, holding on to me,  
Maybe it's all gone black but you're all I see, you're all I see._


	7. Chapter 6: Travel Hymn

_This is why I turn & walk away from everything,_

_I need to feel it closer now._

_This is why I turn & walk away from everything,_

_I never thought it'd be like this._

_Between the seal, a church is revealed._

_& I would rather be lonely._

_Travel Hymn – Circa Survive._

**Chapter 6: Travel Hymn**

Bella woke up to the sunlight streaming through the blinds in her small bedroom. She stiffly moved to sit up, wiping the sleep away from her eyes. Sensing the emptiness of the bed next to her, she looked over to the space where Edward had slept hours before. She couldn't help the tears welling up in her eyes as she moved over lying down and placing her head in the dent his left on her pillow. She breathed deeply closing her eyes clutching at the sheets.

She waited for the tears to come not knowing what to think. After last night she was under the impression that they'd at least try, that Edward still cared for her. He had too. She didn't know how she could live without him, but as each day went by the realization that she might have to crept up on her. She wiped at her eyes reaching for her cell phone. She had eleven missed calls and several worried text messages from Alice, but nothing from Edward. She felt numb and exhausted. She couldn't do it all over again. Bella looked over at her desk noticing a piece of paper sitting on top of her laptop folded carefully in half, the crease firm and crisp. She slowly reached for it, the note fluttering in her shaking hands.

"I'm sorry, I can't. E"

Bella looked down at his messy handwriting tracing each letter with her finger. She got up and turned her ihome and ipod on before lying back down on her bed. She laid there listening to music, letting the words swirl around her not being able to help the silent tears that trickled down from her eyes.

"_You hold me without touch, you keep me without chains.  
I never wanted anything so much,_

_Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.  
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity."_

Bella jumped slightly but didn't move when Alice knocked softly on the door walking in without waiting for an answer.

"Bella?" she said cautiously, noting the music playing, "Are you ok? What happened last night?"

Bella shrugged, for once in her life not wanting to talk about Edward.

Alice walked over to Bella's desk and picked up the paper, reading the short note.

"Jesus, what an asshole." she muttered to herself.

She sat down in the empty chair by the desk and rested her head on Bella's bed, waiting for her to talk.

"Alice?" Bella asked hesitantly.

"Yeah?"

"How come everyone was against me and Edward getting back together, or me and Edward together in general?"

"I don't know," Alice said tracing the stitched pattern on Bella's bedspread. "It's not that we don't want you guys getting back together… You just easily ran back to him after everything he put you through. It was his fault everything went under, you did nothing wrong. I was the one who had to see you hurting. Who you cried to every night for how many weeks? I didn't want him to put you through that all over again. You shouldn't have forgiven him so easily. He broke you. It's not fair Bella. It's not fair at all."

"So what if he didn't deserve my automatic forgiveness? You all knew it's what I wanted more than anything. I wanted MY Edward back, not just Edward. I was close to being happy again Alice. I don't want to be depressed anymore; I don't want to hate myself anymore." Bella said tears coming to her eyes. "Couldn't everyone just been happy for us? We were happy, weren't we Alice?"

"Yes, you were…but you have to understand, it's not healthy B." spoke Alice cautiously, pausing for a moment before continuing. "You can't keep doing this to yourself. You need to let him go."

"Alice I don't know if…I don't know if I can." Bella croaked out.

"You just need time, that's all. From the beginning everything was just so fucked up. You guys can't act like everything is alright when we all know it isn't. It's not that we didn't want you guys to get back together; we all just saw it for what it was. You guys never talked about anything. You never resolved your problems. That tension and frustration was still there and it was suffocating, not just you two but all of us. We didn't like being in the middle of both of you, Jasper especially. You know how close he is to Edward and I know you confided in him more than you did me. It's hard having to bear an emotional burden from two friends and not being able to do anything to help."

"Oh, I guess I never thought of it that way…"

"You don't need him Bells. You don't need him holding you down. You have me, Emmett, Jasper, Angela, Rosie, Jessica; I can go on forever. We can get through this together. Your pain is my pain, ok? You'll see. Everything will be alright, everything will be ok."

"I hope so Alice, I hope so…" Bella said with a small smile, not convinced at all.

*

Bella took a long swig from the bottle wincing as the liquid burned going down her throat.

"Tell me why we're staying in on Thirsty Thursday?"

"Because, you need to get that asshole out of your system and I need to remember that I can do better than Jasper fricken Whitlock. It's not my fault he can be so goddamn charming. Oh and just so you know nothing happened last night. I stayed to try to calm down the situation, nothing else. "

Bella rolled her eyes bringing the bottle up to her lips again. "Drink Alice, you said his name."

"Fuck. I knew that rule would kill us both."

"Hey speak for yourself. I've only mentioned Edward a couple times."

Alice burst into a fit of giggles, "Drink Bella."

Bella groaned, "Cheers."

An hour and half a handle of Bacardi Limon later, Alice and Bella were sufficiently drunk.

"Jasper didn't answer his phone. Wanna bet he's macking on some stupid freshman who is "like totally like impressed" by the fact he can play the fucking guitar?" said Alice blinking rapidly and looking at Bella with puppy dog eyes, her imitation of Kelsey, the freshman obsessed with Jasper.

"Hey at least we both know that Jasper is in love with you and would never do anything like that." Bella laughed pushing Alice off the couch.

"Please, he can just sense that I'm above him and knows that he can't do better than me."

"Get off your high horse Alice, I know you like him too."

"You know who I don't like very much right now? You. Don't test me or I'll have to ring up Eddie and see what he's up too."

"You. Wouldn't. Dare." Bella threatened.

"Oh really?" Alice quickly snatched Bella's phone off the coffee table flipping it open.

"Oh Edward it's your baby girl Bellie Poo. Come back and snuggle fuck me all night because for some god knows why reason you refuse to actually do me. Morals my ass."

"I never talked to him like that you bitch." joked Bella grabbing the phone out of Alice's fingers.

"Well then, what would you say to the breaker of hearts?"

"I don't know…I'd tell him he's pretty full of himself if he thinks it's all up to him whether or not we get back together. Oh, and it's his loss, not mine, and that I can do better."

"Perfect. Why don't you tell him that?"

"I'm not calling Edward and saying that over the phone. That's such a bitch move."

"Like leaving a note saying he's sorry but can't is any better."

"Fine you know what, I will call him. I doubt he'll answer. I'll just leave him a message."

Bella dialed his number and flipped her phone open, putting speaker on and setting it in the middle of the table.

"Hello? Bella?"

"Shit oh my god!" Bella scrambled for her phone knocking it to the floor. "Fuck Alice turn it off!" she screamed.

"Wow, he answered." said Alice not able to keep the shock out of her voice as she handed Bella back her phone, call disconnected. "Boy's got balls after what he did to you last night."

"Alice, like I said before he didn't do anything. We just talked…"

At that moment Bella's phone buzzed to life, her newest ringtone for Edward blaring loudly.

"_I wanna make up right now na na. I wanna make up right now na na. Wish we never broke up right now na na…"_

Alice scowled at her, eyes narrowing. "Bella are you fricken kidding me?"

Bella motioned for Alice to shut up, walking out of the room and shakily picking up her phone to answer it.

"Hi."

"Hey Bella did you just call me?"

"Yeah I did." she said her voice cracking a bit.

"Sorry about umm," Bella could almost see him running his hands through his hair, thinking about what he was going to say. "Sorry about Journalism today. I didn't feel like going."

"Oh. Right, yeah class..."

"Bella are you still there??"

"Yeah. I just wanted to say…I was going to tell you. Fuck, I don't… I just…Let me start over. Um Hi. I wanted to say…because you know…"

She was interrupted by his soft laughter. "Hun, I can't understand a single thing you're saying. Are you drunk?"

Bella thought about lying, they needed to have this conversation and damn it if she had to be drunk for it to happen, then so be it.

"No?"

"Bella come on I know you, I'm not stupid. What'd you drink tonight? Wait, let me guess, Limon?"

Bella couldn't help smiling, "Yeah of course. Nothing else is good to me like my Bacardi."

"That's not true," he said sadly, "There's a lot more out there that'd be good for you if you gave them a chance."

"Edward, can you not talk in riddles? It's making my brain hurt."

"I'm sorry I forgot." Edward laughed again, the sadness gone from his voice. "Why don't I just call you tomorrow? Oh and tell Alice to stop calling Jasper, he has an 8:40 class tomorrow morning and is already sleeping."

"Ok…Really you'll call me tomorrow?"

"Yes Bella, I'll call you tomorrow."

"Promise me you will?"

"Bella?"

"Yes?"

"I promise I'll call you tomorrow. Good night Bella… I love you."

Bella stared at her phone in shock. She distinctively heard him swear and a distant, female voice, in the background ask, "Is that your girlfriend?" before the phone went dead.

She replayed the way he said those words over and over in her mind, "I love you. I love you….I love you."  
"I love you too Edward." she said quietly before rejoining Alice in the family room. She could definitely use another drink.

*

Bella spent the next day anxiously staring at her phone, skipping her classes just in case he'd call. She cursed her mom for calling her twice in the morning & screamed at Alice to stop tricking her with little text messages like:

"Let me guess he still hasn't called you?"

"HA think I was Edward?"

"Put down your GD phone and do your homework!"

"Alice stop!" she whined loudly knowing full well Alice could hear her through their bedroom walls.

She heard a soft chuckle as Alice just turned up her TV to drown her voice out.

It was 9pm and Edward still hadn't called yet. Bella was on edge almost shaking. "Fuck this." she thought to herself. "I'm done waiting for him. We're friends, it's ok if I call him. I need to start getting ready to go out anyway."

She waited nervously for him to answer, holding her breath.

"Hello."

"Hey Edward, you said you'd call me today?"

"Oh right, yeah my bad." he said sounding distracted.

"Wow geez Edward thanks for caring enough to keep your promise."

"Sorry, so what did you want to talk about?" He asked nonchalantly. Bella could hear the boys screaming in the background.

"Do you think you can go into another room, I can't hear myself think."

"I'm in the middle of a game." He trailed off, "Shit Jasper fucking cover my ass."

Bella swallowed thickly. "You know what, it's not important. Sorry I bothered you, bye." She hung up breathing quickly.

"Fuck." She jumped as her phone went off, buzzing across the table. She watched as the screen flashed "incoming call: Edward." She released the breath she didn't even know she was holding when the call disconnected. Her alert rang out signaling he left a voicemail. She couldn't bring herself to listen to it and ignored the text messages he sent her.

"Bella I'm sorry I'm such an ass…"

"Please call me back. We do need to talk…"

She laid down on her bed, suddenly really tired. She didn't feel like going out anymore. It was physically draining having to deal with Edward and trying to fix things between them. "It really shouldn't be this hard. Isn't love supposed to be easy?"

Bella grabbed her computer pulling it into her lap and started typing. The words flowed easily and as she typed her swirling emotions slowly lessoned and the tightening in her chest eased up. Bella had no intention of sending Edward the "letter" she wrote to him when she first started but she knew she had too. It was cowardly and cruel but she had to let him know how she truly felt. They weren't still best friends. He hadn't been her best friend from the minute she walked out of his house the summer night he ended things. He betrayed her trust, and she didn't know if he'd ever be able to get it back.

Bella quickly scanned the message for errors, her eyes moving over each line.

_I was going to say this earlier tonight but for obvious reasons didn't. I tried harder than you can imagine to just let everything go and act like nothing happened so things wouldn't be awkward between us. I know at this point you could care less about me but obviously I still have feelings for you & it sucks. I hate how everything turned out. You broke me & I can honestly say that you hurt me more than Jacob ever did. I trusted you & believed in you only for you to let me down. I can honestly say if I could change anything it would be everything that happened this summer. I wish I could take it all back, but I can't. I miss what we used to be & my relationships with all the guys & I know it'll never be the same. I'm tired of your excuses and I can't do this anymore, I can't take it. Maybe in time we'll be able to get over…everything, but for now I think its best that we don't talk anymore. Out of sight, out of mind."_

Bella's hand shook uncontrollably as she hovered over the send button. She closed her eyes breathing in and out. "You have to do it Bella. Send it. Send it you idiot." she said over and over in her head. She clicked down & watched as "message sent" popped up onto her screen. Instead of feeling relieved, Bella instantly felt sick.

She ran into the bathroom clutching the toilet as wave after wave of nausea ran through her. She was shaking as everything that was said and what wasn't, rushed back to her. She couldn't do this. Fuck. Bella didn't know it was possible to be so emotionally upset to the point of being physically ill. She shook with her silent sobs wiping her mouth with a towel and flushing the toilet.

Bella laid down on the cold tile of the floor trying to stop everything from spinning. It was over, she ended it.

"Bella are you ok?" Alice whispered from outside.

"Yeah, I'll be ok." Bella said weakly, opening the door but still keeping her throbbing head on the floor.

"I'm guessing now's not a good time to ask you if you wanted to get something to eat with me?" joked Alice with a small smile.

"No it's ok, I'll go with you. Just give me a couple of minutes. "

"Are you sure? You can pick where we go. What did you have in mind?"

Bella couldn't help smiling a little, "I think I want a cheese steak…"

"_I don't believe you. You've never had a cheese steak?" Edward stared at her like she had just admitted that she had a dick. _

"_Umm...no?" Bella laughed lightly looking at all the shocked faces of the boys around her._

"_Bella, you live in Philadelphia. The home of the cheese steak and you're telling me you've never had one?"_

"_God what's the big deal it's just meat & cheese."_

"_Not just any meat and cheese," said Emmett rubbing his stomach, "thin steak strips, creamy warm whiz cheese sprinkled with freshly cut onions spread on a soft hoagie bun. You have to go to Geno's, it's the best."_

"_What!?" yelled Edward suddenly startling Bella as she jumped several feet off the bed. _

"_What the fuck Edward." she laughed pushing him over._

"_Pat's, Pat's has the best cheese steaks." _

"_Genos." said Emmett, glaring daggers at Edward._

"_Pat's!" _

"_Dude, Geno's." piped up Jasper._

"_Who are you people?" Edward said with a low growl facing Emmett ready to fight over a food item. _

"_Guys stop. Why don't I try both of them, and let you know what I think."_

"_Even if you agree with Edward and pick Pat's it'll still be a draw. It's pointless, Geno's is the best."_

"_Her vote counts twice. Come on Bella, I'll take you." Edward held out his hand, pulling her up off the bed and glaring at the guys as they walked out of the room._

_*_

_Bella took a small bite out of the Pat's cheese steak first, pretending to savor the taste and smacking her lips. She reached for the Geno's cheese steak next and took a bite, taking her time as she slowly chewed._

"_Hmmm I think I like Geno's better." Bella said with a smirk moving closer to Edward._

"_Oh I highly doubt that. There's no way you like Geno's better. "_

"_Oh yeah?" She took another bite of the Geno's steak smiling as she followed Edward's eyes as he watched her eat._

_She stared at him as he took a slow bite out of one, and then the other licking her lips involuntarily when he swallowed. _

"_Nope, still like Pat's better." _

"_Oh really, you do?" Bella moved closer to him parting his knees slightly to rest in between his legs, her back to his chest. _

"_Nothing can make me change my mind." Edward laughed nuzzling his face in her hair. _

"_Are you sure about that?" teased Bella as she slowly slid her hands up and down his legs, turning her head around to face him. _

"_I'm pretty set on my choice thank you very much…" Edward trailed off as her lips softly met his._

"_Nope, still nothing. Pat's is the best."_

_Bella turned fully around laughing, pushing him lightly down on his back crouching over him._

"_What. About. Now?" she asked as she kissed up and down his neck._

_Edward groaned grabbing a hold of her arms and pulling her down on top of him. _

_They kissed again, this time with more passion, his tongue pressing against her lips and entering her mouth. Bella couldn't help moaning as he slid his hands down her back to cup her ass, pulling her closer to him. She raked her hands roughly through his hair breaking away from the kiss to playfully nip on his neck._

"_Ughh." Edward gripped her hips tightly and slowly rolled her off him back onto the bed breathing heavily. _

"_You tease, Emmett and Jasper are right down the hall." _

"_That's really going to stop you?"_

"_Please, like that could stop me, but I know YOU too well, so just eat your cheese steak." Edward pushed the Geno's steak towards her._

"_Pshh no Pat's is so much better." she said with a wink grabbing it out of his hand._

"_I knew it!" he laughed as he rumpled her hair, "Pat's is the King of Cheese Steaks."_

_*_

Alice parked the car along the side of the road and got out, heading toward Pat's. Bella looked wistfully across at Geno's almost tempted by the flashy display of lights and signs. The line was long and Bella shivered in the cold pulling her hood up over her head.

She jumped as she felt hands cover her eyes.

"Guess who?" said the low throaty voice that she used to know all too well.

"Jacob?" she guessed spinning around. "Hey how are you?" she said enthusiastically shaking her head awkwardly deciding whether to hug him or not.

Jake laughed sensing her dilemma and pulled her in for a hug.

"I've been great! How about you? God it's been a while."

"Yeah a couple of months I think."

"That's right the night you kicked me out of your boyfriends house." he joked.

"Oh right well he wasn't my boyfriend."

"Pshh doesn't matter. That was a long time ago, no harm no foul." said Jake smiling down at her. "You know we missed your drunken antics at the house."

"Oh really? I'm not so sure about that." Bella chuckled remembering the many times she fell down whole flights of stairs, basically being a complete shit show.

"Nope, we definitely do."

Bella looked up at him with her first genuine smile in days. "Oh well then I guess I have to change that now huh?"

"God am I flirting with him?" Alice interrupted her thoughts by clearing her throat, "Bella its' your turn to order."

"Oh well," she looked back at Jake, "you go first."

"I'm going to get Geno's." he said motioning across the street.

Bella paused, scrunching her face in a look of mock concentration. "You know what, I think I'm gonna mix it up a bit, live a little dangerously. I'll get Geno's too."

Jacob laughed holding his arm out to her. "That's my girl."

As Bella walked toward the bright lights of Geno's she couldn't help smiling up at Jacob again. Maybe Alice was right, it didn't seem possible right now but eventually everything would be ok, it just had to be.


	8. Chapter 7: Semi Constructive Criticism

_Your feelings were sacrificed, for a greater cause._

_And if you forget what you saw, you'll be forgiven_

_But there isn't a chance, that I could do this on my own._

_We disconnect like this is the end, for everybody else's sake_

_Semi Constructive Criticism – Circa Survive_

**Chapter 7: Semi Constructive Criticism**

A couple of weeks had gone by with no consequence. Bella slowly stopped seeing the boys, hanging out with them without Edward a painful reminder of how their relationship failed. It was exactly what they didn't want from the beginning, for their attempt at a relationship to affect their friendship. She hadn't spoken to Edward since the night she hung up on him, never getting a response from the Facebook message she sent him. It still embarrassed her that she even sent it in the first place, but part of her was glad she did and she felt like a weight was lifted off her shoulders.

Edward tried to sit with her that first day in Journalism, walking over to her usual seat up front and giving her a small smile. He got the picture when she stood up and sat down on the far side of the room, never once making eye contact or speaking to him.

It was a Catch-22. She wanted him to leave her alone, to drop off the face of the planet, it'd be easier that way. Yet at the same time, part of her wanted him to just walk up to her and tell her to get over herself and command her to take him back. That scenario was never going to happen, just like the other one in her head of her walking up to him and throwing herself into his arms, everything instantly forgotten, their feelings for each other enough to fix everything.

Bella started spending all the extra time she now had on her hands after cutting her three best guy friends out of her life with Jacob. She knew that people talked, saying that they were an item, or they were at least sleeping together, but she just brushed it off. Her relationship with Jacob was nothing like the whirlwind obsession and infatuation that it was her freshman year. She loved him, in the platonic sense. They actually spent time together, not just drinking and partying.

"Ouch!" Bella squealed yanking the headphone out of her right ear sharply rubbing at it.

"Sorry I completely forgot that this song starts off really loud," said Jake apologetically, "I turned the volume down, you're safe now. Just listen to it, The Devil Wears Prada is one of my favorite bands."

Bella rolled her eyes and caught his Ipod as he tossed it to her, watching him as she placed the headphones in her ears and lowered herself back down on his living room floor. She closed her eyes and concentrated on the music pushing back the heavy guitar riffs and listening to the lyrics that Mike Hranica was screaming at her. She was surprised to find that she actual liked the post hardcore and metalcore music that Jacob listened to, a far cry from her love for bands like Jack's Mannequin, Kings of Leon, and MGMT.

She smiled up at Jake, pulling one earphone out, "I think I like it. The breakdown in this song is fantastic."

"Brutal breakdown Bells, brutal breakdown," e replied, looking back down at his MAC, "What movie do you want to watch tonight?"

"Anything but Labyrinth again. Bowie freaks me out."

"Ok fine, how bout Nightmare? Or Corpse Bride. Oh my god lets watch Finding Nemo!"

Bella laughed shaking her head. The sad thing was that Jake wasn't kidding, he was obsessed with all things Tim Burton and was actually considering getting a Finding Nemo tattoo to go alongside with Jack Skellington and Sally on his Nightmare Before Christmas half sleeve. She was surprised to see the more that she hung out with him the more she got to know the real Jacob Black. Bella still blushed thinking about the day when he showed her his Darkwing Duck tattoo forever immortalized on his ass. Let's get dangerous indeed.

"Um no cartoons either thanks."

"Fine, whatever. I know you secretly love them. I caught you mouthing the words to every song the last time we watched The Nightmare Before Christmas."

"Shut up I was not!"

"My dearest friend, if you don't mind, I'd like to join you by your side." Jacob put his laptop down, reaching his hand out to her. "Where we can gaze into the stars… Come on Bells sing it with me!"

Bella sighed putting down the Ipod and reaching for his hand, letting him pull her up to stand in front of him, "And sit together, now and forever," they sang, off key to each other, laughing, "for it is plain as anyone can see, we're simply meant to be."

Bella jumped at the sound of clapping behind her.

"Good job guys, that was brilliant. Why play rugby Jake when you can sing like that?" Jacob made a slight coughing noise blushing even redder than Bella.

"Bella, the love of my life, how are you? Still sexually frustrated and not sleeping with your "boo" down the street or my man Jacob here? You know, if they're not what you're looking for…I'm sure Leah won't mind just one night…"

"Hi Sam," said Bella rolling her eyes, "Care to join us? We're about to watch a movie."

"Nah you guys go for it. Jacob and I keep our snuggle sessions behind closed doors; you can have him all to yourself tonight."

Bella laughed shaking her head. She had gotten used to the way Sam would joke around with her. Alice would always get angry and tell him that he was vulgar and disgusting but Bella knew it was all in good fun.

"Oh yeah and Jake, I can't make it to that concert tomorrow. Leah's pissed and wants me to spend a Saturday with her or something. I guess she's still mad about the time I left her birthday early to go with you last month."

Bella zoned them out as she picked up her phone and scrolled through her messages. Three unread text messages from Jasper, one from Emmett, four missed calls from Alice and new voicemails. Alice was starting to really get on her nerves. Bella loved her to death, but she was starting to act overprotective of her, not approving of the time she spent with Jacob. Alice was convinced that Bella was sleeping with him to get back at Edward and wouldn't listen to her at all when Bella tried to tell her otherwise.

She dialed her voicemail and typed in her password. "You have three unheard messages. First unheard message from 215-853," Bella hit 7 on the keypad not even bothering listening to Alice's message, "Message erased. Next unheard message from 215-853…Message erased. Next unheard message from 302-578…" Bella quickly hit the end button hanging up. She completely forgot that she had a message from Edward.  
"Stop being ridiculous," she thought to herself, "It doesn't matter if I listen to it. He must already assume that I've heard it and it won't change anything if I listen to it now." Bella dialed her voicemail again holding her breath until she heard his voice at the other end.

"Hi Bells, I'm so sorry about early. I was being a complete ass. I could give two shits about that game and you know it. Please call me back I really want to talk to you. I'm so sorry for just leaving…I had no right to… I shouldn't have left that note for you. I never should have listened to…You have to understand that this is what's best for everyone. I know that doesn't make sense but please forgive me. I'd give anything for you to forgive me. Call me or text me whenever you feel up for talking to me….I'll be waiting for you. Good bye Bella."

Bella's hands were shaking as she slowly lowered the phone away from her ear. It had been over a month since she heard his voice and she didn't realize until that moment how much she missed it. She didn't know what to feel. She didn't think she was upset, tears didn't well up in her eyes, she wasn't angry…She was numb, completely numb, and the lack of feeling was starting to scare her.

"You ok Bells? You look ghostly white," asked Jacob as he handed her a stack of DVD's. "Pick one."

"Umm I honestly don't know," Bella said shakily as she redialed her voicemail and handed the phone to him. She nervously flipped through the DVDs watching Jacob's face for a reaction.

"Interview with a Vampire?"

"…Wait what?" she asked scrunching up her face at him.

"The movie, is that the one you want to watch?"

Bella looked down at the movie facing up on top of the pile, "Um yeah sure."

"Perfect," said Jake ignoring the look Bella gave him as he grabbed it and set up the movie.

He pulled Bella over to couch and pushed her down, taking the seat next to her. They sat there in silence as the opening credits rolled until Bella couldn't take it anymore.

"Jake seriously? Come on, what should I do about the message? You're a guy, is he just mind fucking me or do you think he might actually care?"

Jacob sighed and paused the movie, "Look Bells, I'm going to be straight up with you. You still have feelings for Edward right?" Bella nodded. "Ok, well I don't really know the guy but I can say that he obviously still has feelings for you. If he's going to act on them, it's going to need encouragement from you little lady. From what I heard from other people, not just you, Edward truly cared about you, and that doesn't just go away in a month or two. If you want him back he's yours. He's a scared little boy who is too busy listening to his friends giving him a hard time for actually giving a shit about something other than where he's going to drink that night than to grow a pair and do something about it himself. The ball's in your court Bells, but if I was you I'd wait it out a bit. Give him a little more time to really appreciate what he's missing."

Bella's jaw dropped, for once in her life she was completely speechless.

"Oh, wow."

"Yes, wow indeed. Can we plot Operation "Get back with Edward" another time? I really want to watch this movie."

"But…"

"Nope, don't want to hear it. Yeah he hurt you, yeah he's an asshole but you know you're not going to get over him anytime soon. Maybe he deserves a second chance."

"You really think so? It seems like everyone else is pushing us apart. I don't know what to do."

"Do what you think is right. If you want to make amends, do it. If your friends won't support you, then ditch them. As long as you're happy nothing else matters."

Bella threw her arms around him, "Thanks Jake, you don't know how good it feels to hear actual advice and not just bitching. Thanks for putting up with me lately. I don't know how I'll ever make it up to you."

"Oh, I have an idea of how you can make it up to me…"

Bella raised her eyebrow and scowled at him, "Jake don't even say it," she said anticipating him asking for a sexual favor.

Jake laughed, "Ok first never make that face again, it's not menacing at all. It just makes the dimples on your face stand out more. Secondly, I wasn't going to go there. You can start by not talking and enjoying this brilliant masterpiece of a film, and then by going with me to the concert tomorrow that Sam bailed out on."

"Deal," said Bella with a smile as she snuggled up to Jake and faced the TV screen. She'd deal with her constantly fluctuating emotions and her real life problems later, for now she was just going to enjoy the movie.

**

Bella woke up the next morning stiffly shaking her neck side to side. This wasn't the first time she fell asleep watching a movie with Jacob and his couch was anything but comfortable. She packed up her stuff that was thrown around Jake's living room before following the smell of bacon coming from the kitchen.

"Mhmm smells good," she said sitting down at the kitchen table watching Jake as he continued making breakfast.

"Enjoy," he said twenty minutes later, placing a plate full of eggs, bacon, and toast in front of her.

"Who knew you could cook?" she joked taking a bite, "Wow this is actually really good."

"Don't act too surprised. It wasn't hard; breakfast is the easiest meal to make and the eggs came in an easy pour carton." He laughed causing Bella to laugh along with him.

Bella loved how easy going her relationship with Jake was. At first she guarded herself against getting close to him, half expecting him to pull a James and turn around and ditch her for the packs of freshman that followed him around everywhere, but he loyally stuck to her.

The time she spent with Jacob helped level out the minor stabs of pain she felt every time she saw Edward. It killed her to see him, especially now that she noticed he was slowly starting to look the way she felt. He stopped looking so polished and perfect every day, dark circles appearing under his eyes, which were no longer vibrant and alive, instead now dull and etched with red as if he no longer slept. His impeccable face was covered with stubble, Edward rarely shaving anymore, his clothes constantly wrinkled and mismatched. She knew she should have been elated to see him suffering as well but it just made things worse for her.

"Thinking about Edward again?" Jacob asked in between mouthfuls.

"Yeah, am I that obvious?"

"Things will work out. And if they don't, it won't be the end of the world."

Bella gave him a small smile as she took a sip of her orange juice. No matter how many times she heard people say that, she was still eating breakfast with Jacob when she'd rather be a couple doors down with her ex best friend.

**

Bella was actually really looking forward to the concert with Jacob. She was a concert groupie, her life goal to be a "band-aid" like Penny Lane in Almost Famous; to love some silly little piece of music, or some band, so much that it hurts.

Bella climbed into Jacob's car when he pulled up to her apartment.

"So I know The Devil Wears Prada, now what other bands are playing?"

"Here, listen." Jacob pulled a CD out of the center compartment of his car and popped it into the player, "This is Chiodos."

It was different, the vocals not as harsh as the other bands he made her listen to, and something about the lead singer was oddly familiar…

"Like it?"

"Yeah I actually do, what's this song called?"

"The Words 'Best Friend' Become Redefined."

Bella snorted, "Well, that's kind of appropriate…I can't believe I've never heard of them though, they're really good."

"Don't worry, that's what I'm here for, to introduce you to decent music. Just wait until you listen to Circle Takes the Square and Grace Gale, two of my favorite lesser known bands."

They arrived at The Trocadero, apparently Jacob's favorite and most frequented concert venue, walking through the crowds of people standing around the front entrance. Jacob steered her towards the back of the general admission area, walking down into the pit area in the middle of the venue.

"We can try to get closer if you want."

"Trust me Bells, for your safety I think this is good enough," He said leaning up against the sound booth at the back of the pit.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh Bells, you have no idea. This isn't a Panic at the Disco concert. This isn't a concert where little girls push each other to get closer to the band. Just wait and you'll see what I mean."

Thirty minutes later when the first band started, Bella understood completely what Jacob meant. To say the crowd got into the music was a huge understatement. Bella saw for the first time an actual mosh pit and it wasn't pretty. She stared in awe at everyone pushing each other, people throwing punches and no one thinking anything of it. The center of the crowd was a flurry of people kicking and throwing out their arms, the sight almost comical. Bella couldn't help getting into the music too, the loud blaring drums and "brutal breakdowns" as Jacob called them, giving her an instant adrenaline rush. She could feel the music, the bass vibrating through the floor and spreading throughout her body. In that moment nothing else mattered other than the lyrics the singer screamed out at her. Jacob was right, this was a completely different experience than any concert she'd ever been too. The crowd surfing at Warped Tour didn't compare at all to the mosh pit tonight, on more than once occasion someone being pulled out with blood spilling from a broken nose.

"Ok we're gonna take it down a notch guys," called out Craig Owens, the lead singer of Chiodos.

Bella couldn't help being moved by the inspirational words that he was saying; his speech about how music brings people together, acting as an unspoken therapy, affecting her more than she thought it would.

"If there's someone here that you know," he continued, "If there's someone here that you love, if there was someone you were brought together with through music, I want you to grab them tightly. If you know the word's and you're alone, scream them to me because you know, I'm here for you whenever you need it. This song is called Lexington."

"_You don't be leaving my arms ever, I promise you that._

_Even if you want me to let go honey. _

_Even if you say the things that make me want to lose you."_

It wasn't until he started singing this slow ballad that Bella knew why his voice sounded so familiar to her. She couldn't believe it took her so long to put two and two together.

**

"_Edward what are you doing? Put down the bottle!" Bella laughed jumping up and trying to grab the bottle of Crown Royal whiskey out of his hand._

"_Do you realize this is Warped Tour, an all day musical experience? We're going to be outside in the heat for god knows how many hours. Are you sure drinking's a good idea?"_

_He smirked at her, taking another swig from the bottle, finishing it off before tossing it into the nearest trashcan._

"_Oh I get it, you have to be drunk to hang out with me…is that it?" she teased._

"_Of course not," he said putting his arm around her shoulder and steering her through the crowds of people. "I'm just anticipating having to listen to the bands you want to see, and that my sweet little Bells, would drive anyone to drink."_

"_Shut up, Jack's Mannequin is one of my favorite bands and I know you like it. We're compromising. I'm going to listen to," she looked down at the schedule in front of her, "Cinematic Sunrise for you, so don't complain."_

"_Please, you're making it sound like I'm forcing you to sit through something painful. Craig Owens, their lead vocalist is amazing. His other band is one of my favorites. Remind me to make you listen to them…"_

_Edward's voice was drowned out by the screams of the crowd around them as the band took the stage. Bella stood on her tippy toes trying to look over everyone to see. At first Bella stood there glaring over at Edward in mock disapproval of the band, but she couldn't help liking them. They were surprisingly really good, one of the best acts they heard all day._

I lost you long ago along the way,  
I never thought I'd be here without you.  
And every time I think about the way, I think maybe I'm better off,  
Maybe I'm better off...still."

_They were standing so close that Bella could feel Edward breathing next to her. Their hands touched sending a spark through her body. Bella stiffened slightly as Edward put his arms around her pulling her body flush against his. Even though it had been a couple months, she still couldn't stop her stomach from flip flopping every time he touched her._

_  
"This song makes me think of you," he whispered in her ear brushing away a strand of hair along her neck. _

"_Wait, what?" she said her heart racing as she turned to face him. She looked at him with a confused expression on his face. Was he telling her that he…was better off without her? _

"_Shh, just listen."_

"Wait until tomorrow and I'll be fine  
Wait until tomorrow and you'll see,  
You'll see that I'm worth waiting for.

I'm ready to just come out and say it  
I try to reason with myself  
To think of all that life could be  
If we could only capture what we've seen…"

_By the time the song was done Bella's whole body was shaking; completely aware of every place Edward was touching her. She felt his lips graze the top of her head, curling a strand of her hair around his finger._ _They were so wrapped up in each other that it made Bella jump when the girl next to them spoke directly to her._

"_Aw oh my gosh you guys are such a cute couple!" Bella blushed scarlet and stuttered out, "Oh we'll we're technically not..." before being interrupted by Edward. "We are, aren't we Bells?" he said looking down at her with a smile._

_She opened her mouth to protest but he stopped her, putting a finger to her lips as he lowered his head down to hers. It was true, they weren't technically boyfriend and girlfriend, neither one of them wanting to ruin what they had with a label, but at the same time Bella always knew there was something more between them. She blocked out the noise and screams of the people around her, focusing just on Edward. He opened his mouth and closed it, thinking over what he was going to say. _

"_Bella," he said her name like a caress, bringing his hand up to her face. "You know I care about you, I just… Bells, I think I love you."_

_Bella inhaled sharply, tears instantly coming to her eyes. "You do?" she said barely a whisper._

"_Yes, yes I do." he said as if confirming the fact to her as well as himself._

"_What does this mean…for us?" Bella said her voice high pitched and strained._

"_Well, I guess if you feel the same I'd have to call you my girlfriend. You know, enforce rules, shackle you to my bed." he gave her a small nervous smile waiting for her response._

_Bella's mind was racing and she felt like her heart was going to explode from the rush of emotions she was feeling. "I love you too," her voice cracked out. _

_Edward's smile lit up his whole face as he shook his head slightly, "I knew it. You could never resist my charm."_

**

Bella hands shook as she typed out the familiar song lyrics that she heard at the concert with Edward.

_"It's been too long since I've heard from you & I lay sleepless,_

_Knowing that my heart still belongs to you."_

What were the odds that the band she came to see had the same vocalist as the one she saw with Edward? And after he made that speech… it had to be a sign. There was nothing left for her to lose. She pressed sent. Less than a minute later her phone buzzed with Edward's response. She stared at the little message envelope on her phone, hyperventilating slightly, afraid of what he had to say.

_"Please don't go, just stay. I watched with tears in my eyes as you walked away.  
Miss your voice, & your touch,  
& if I told you I loved you could that be enough?_"

Bella gasped startling Jacob, her heart swelling immediately bringing tears to her eyes.

"Everything ok?" Jake asked looking down at her from the corner of his eye.

Bella smiled as she reread the text message to herself, "Yeah, I'm fine. Everything's going to be ok…"


	9. Chapter 8: Kicking Your Crosses Down

_& all the voices sound just like you_

_I'll be there, I'll be there, breathe in, breathe in;_

_It's been so long, I've felt so wrong again._

_I fixed myself up nice but you never came,_

_The words rolled off our backs and sound the same._

_I'll be waiting, I'll be waiting;_

_I hope that it's worth it but I'll never know_

_Kicking Your Crosses Down- Circa Survive_

**Chapter 8: Kicking Your Crosses Down**

Bella stumbled up the stairs, knocking into several people on her way up. She had to find Rosalie and get out of here. It had been a week since she talked to Edward and in attempt to drown her sorrows she called Rosalie Hale of all people to drink with her. Half a bottle of Ketel One Vodka later, Rosalie called up a couple friends and dragged Bella along to Kappa Sig, another frat on campus. She had lost Rosalie and Jessica on the dance floor, barely making it out of the pulsing sweaty crowd before getting groped by too many guys. The crowded frat house was making her feel claustrophobic. She climbed the stairs up to the roof, knowing from experience that the door was always open, walking into the cool night air. She ignored the people who questioned what she was doing; name dropping whatever brother Rosalie constantly talked about. She opened the door to the roof and stepped over the railing, walking over to the couch that was along the far side. She lowered herself down grabbing at her head. "Note to self, never drink with Rosalie ever again." She pulled out her phone sending a quick text to Rose telling her she was on the roof. She sighed looking out over the side of the roof toward Center City, admiring the bright lights and the beautiful Philadelphia skyline. She heard the music coming up from downstairs blaring that stupid song Edward used to always sing to her.

_It's a long way down, it's so high off the ground,  
Sending for an angel to bring me a heart.  
Girl where did you come from, got me so undone,  
Gazing in your eyes got me singing what a beautiful lady,  
No if ands or maybes, I'm releasing my heart_

_& its feeling amazing, there's no one else that matters.  
you love me and i won't, Let you fall girl, let you fall girl…_

Bella was so caught up in her own little world that she didn't notice she had company until she felt someone grab her arm.

"Hey gorgeous, what are you doing up here all by yourself?"

Bella turned around startled, automatically reaching for the pepper spray key chain on her wristlet before letting it go and laughing.

"Jesus Christ Jasper you scared the shit out of me."

"Sorry, I ran into Rosalie downstairs and she sent me up here to find you."

"Oh, lovely nice Rose. I guess that means babysitting duty has now been transferred to you."

Jasper blew off the comment, sitting down next to her.

"How've you been? I heard you're back with Jacob now?"

Bella grabbed the bottle of tequila he had and took a long swig, wiping at her mouth with the back of her hand.

"Do you mind if we don't talk about it?" Bella said gingerly laying her head on his shoulder with a sigh.

"Yeah you're right. Come on lets go have some fun, they have a pong game going on in the basement, we can put our names on the list to play if you want."

"I wanna dance." Bella took another generous chug, the harshness of the liquor causing goose bumps to form all along her skin.

"Bella, you don't dance."

"I do too! You've seen me dance before why are you acting so surprised?"

"Well maybe it's because I remember you saying on more than one occasion, "The best time to flag me is when I start dancing, because I only dance when I'm wasted." Remember saying that at all?" he said with a small chuckle.

"Ok fine, you caught me. I may be a little drunk right now but I'm going down there to dance with or without you. Are you coming?" She raised her eyebrow, challenging him, tilting back the bottle and chugging the rest down. Jasper just stared at her, his mouth open.

"Shit Bells. I guess I'll be seeing you tomorrow."

"I'm not going to blackout." she strained, blinking quickly and licking her lips trying to stay focused on Jasper's face.

"Yeah sure, how much did you drink tonight? Can you feel this?" He said picking up her arm and lightly punching it.

"What are you talking about, feel what?" she slurred almost beyond comprehension trying to stand up but just falling over sideways as her legs gave out on her.

The last thing she remembered before slipping out of consciousness was laughing uncontrollably as Jasper pulled her up off the ground as he put her arms around his neck. As he led her down the stairs, Bella became faintly aware of the charged air around her as someone came to her other side to help her out of the house as everything faded to black.

*

Bella woke up blinking at the light shining through the uncovered window. "Did I forget to close my blinds?" she thought to herself as her brain slowly started to function. She winced holding her head in her hands. "Uhh great I'm going to have the worst hangover today." She blinked a couple of times her eyes slowly adjusting to the brightness of the light coming through the window. A Philadelphia Eagles sign, cheap tasteless posters of half naked women, a drawing she drew for… "Oh my fucking god I'm in Edward's bed!" her mind raced trying to remember how she got here. She then noticed the familiar arm draped across her torso. "I'm in Edward's bed…with Edward." She didn't move, not wanting to wake him, feeling his warm breath against her neck. She felt him stir in his sleep, unconsciously pulling her closer to him, burying his face in her hair.

Every part of her body was on fire as her heart started to beat rapidly. "How did I…What happened..." She looked down at his arm noticing the shirt she was wearing. "Wait a t-shirt…wasn't I wearing…Holy shit!" Bella slowly lifted up a corner of the covers peering underneath them. Her body was shaking slightly as she started to hyperventilate. "Ok Bella, calm down. You're wearing Edward's t-shirt and most likely wearing his boxers right now. Think, what the hell did you do last night? I would remember if we…I would know if we had…"

Her thoughts were interrupted at the rattling of the door knob as someone turned it.

She recognized Emmet's voice muttering on the outside, "Of course the one time he locks the door I forget my key."

Bella cringed at the loud pounding, causing her head to throb.

"Emmett I'm going to kill you." said Edward groggily moving his arm off her and running it through his hair. Bella froze eyes wide as Edward looked around before his eyes finally settled on her.

She watched his face as his eyes slowly ran up and down her body, taking in their close proximity, HIS clothes that she was wearing, and finally up to her flushed face and messy tangled hair. "Shit."

Yes, Edward, shit indeed.

The pounding on the door continued as Edward stared at her, just as in shock as she was.

He tore his gaze away from her as he climbed off the bed, being extra careful not to touch her. Edward looked over at her one more time pausing before opening the door.

Emmett came barreling in, cursing loudly and throwing himself onto his bed.

"Jesus Edward why in the fuck did you have your door locked. I was waiting outside for …What the fuck!? Bella?" said Emmett completely stunned as he looked quickly between Edward and Bella.

Bella blushed hating the déjà vu of the moment.

The silence was deafening, lasting several minutes until Emmett broke the tension with the worst possible thing to say, "Either you guys really didn't do anything or Edward learned how to put his boxers on the right way in the dark."

Bella groaned her face on fire as she looked away, feeling Edward's gaze on her. She couldn't believe Emmett would bring that up, especially now after everything that happened.

*

_Bella twirled a piece of her hair around her finger half listening as Alice complained yet again about her boss. She hadn't seen Alice basically all summer and they talked on the phone regularly every night, Alice talking about her job at Betsy Johnson and Bella getting a chance to talk once every hour or two._

_Bella looked up and smiled as Edward walked in, a towel around his waist fresh out of the shower. He leaned over to her and gave her a quick kiss on the lips before walking over to his closet sifting through his clothes. Bella looked away in embarrassment as he unconsciously dropped the towel, pulling on a pair of boxers. He turned around and gave her that adorable little smirk raising his eyebrow as if asking her if she liked what she saw. Bella chuckled and flipped him off, rolling her eyes as she was drawn back into her conversation with Alice._

_Even though she had been officially "unofficial" with Edward the past month and a half, spending her weekends with him, they had yet to get past the cuddling and soft little chaste kisses he gave her. Bella loved how romantic and sweet Edward could be, but at the same time she couldn't help wanting more._

_Their sexual tension was palpable, obvious to everyone around them. She felt as if the air crackled between them, her whole body completely attune to his. He continually teased her each night groping her above her clothes until she would moan in pleasure, always resulting in him quickly pulling away and doing something to distract her, like tickling her or ruffling her hair before suggesting they go to sleep. She wanted more, and the look in his eyes every time she was even near him made it apparent that it's what he wanted too._

_It's not like they had any reason to wait. Bella wasn't a virgin, having lost her virginity drunkenly at a house party back in high school, something she regretted to this day; her only other sexual partner being Jacob last year. Edward was a whole different story. Bella knew that he slept with girls left and right, hell he ever slept with Rosalie once over a year ago, not that either of them ever brought it up. It bothered her more than he would ever know that he slept with random girls and even slept with one of her friends but wouldn't sleep with her._

_Bella moved the phone away from her face and covered the mouth piece, whispering to Edward, "Let's go to bed early tonight; I want to leave around 8 am tomorrow. You know how your mom is about you being late." Edward nodded as he threw a t-shirt on. They had plans to spend the weekend at the Cullen's beach house in North Carolina and Bella drove down that night so they could arrive together for a late brunch._

_She felt the bed shift under Edward's weight as he crawled toward her, running his hands up her legs, slightly pushing her thighs apart as he hovered over her._

"_Edward stop." she said with a giggle, half heartedly trying to push him away._

"_Bella, Bella are you listening to me!?" called Alice through the phone._

"_Yes Alice, I'm listening. Continue please, I'm riveted."_

_As Alice talked, Bella couldn't help being distracted by Edward as he slowly traced circles on the inside of her thighs. _

"_Edward, stop I'm serious. Let me finish this conversation with..." Bella stopped mid sentence, making eye contact with him and losing herself in his lust filled eyes._

"_I think you're done with the conversation." He said roughly as he ran his hands up her thighs, digging his fingers into her hipbones._

_Bella gasped at the rough way he was handling her breathily saying into the phone, "Alice I'm gonna have to call you tomorrow." She clicked the off button, silencing the fiery curse words on the other end._

_Barely waiting for her to hang up, Edward crushed his body to hers, taking her head in his hands and desperately kissing her. Bella couldn't breathe, "This isn't happening." She thought to herself and Edward reached up under her shirt lifting her slightly off the bed to peel it off over her head. He rolled her over, shoving her roughly down on him, grinding her pelvis into his hard erection. Bella moaned, the unfamiliar sensation causing her mind to go blank, the only thing mattering to her being the feeling of Edward dragging his hands over her breasts, and the fact that there was too much clothing separating them. _

_Edward stood up quickly pulling his shorts and boxers off before dragging down her lace panties with his teeth. Bella trembled as he slid his hand up her leg pausing as he stared up at her._

"_I need you, I need you now." she panted running her hands up and down his back._

"_Are you sure?" he asked uncertainly, almost as if he didn't want this to happen._

_Bella nodded. She was never surer of anything in her life…_

_**_

_Bella woke with a start the loud talking and the slamming of the front door startling her. She nudged Edward pushing him over a bit, causing him to groan and pull her back down next to him._

"_Baby, it's too early to be up. We don't need to be at my house for lunch. Let's just stay here together a little longer." he mumbled, burying his face in her hair. _

"_No Edward you don't understand." said Bella panic entering her voice._

_Edward finally noticed opening his eyes and taking in her terror stricken face._

"_Bella, what's wrong?"_

_His question was answered for him as the door was pushed open, smacking against the back of the wall, causing the whole room to shake._

_Bella pulled the covers over her head and clutched Edward's side, trying to hide._

"_Morning guys, I brought coffee and bagels." said Emmett placing the two cups of steaming Starbuck's coffee on the nightstand next to Edward's desk and throwing himself onto his bed._

"_Sweet." said Edward, oblivious to Bella's discomfort as he climbed out of bed and reached for the bagels. Bella peaked out from under the covers to see Emmett give Edward the eye at him crawling out in only his boxers, Emmett of all people knowing that Edward had a tendency to sleep fully clothed when Bella came to visit. Not like that prevented everyone from thinking they were already fucking left and right whenever they had the chance. _

"_Hey Bella do you want one?" he said turning away from Emmett and facing her._

"_Oh dude…" said Emmett cautiously as he sat up straight on his bed._

"_Edward…why are your boxers on backwards…"_

_Bella's eyes widened as she looked at Edward, her face slowly growing warmer. "Oh my god, you guys totally fucked last night didn't you! Holy Shit" said Emmett laughing and clutching at his side. _

"_Emmett…" growled Edward, pulling Emmett up by the collar of his shirt and pushing him back toward the door "I love you man, but get the fuck out."_

_Emmett muttered his apologizes, tears coming to his eyes from laughing so hard as he looked at Bella's flushed face covering herself up with Edward's covers._

"_I think I'm going to die from embarrassment!" wailed Bella, shoving her face into Edward's pillow._

"_Hey that's nothing new; you tend to embarrass yourself on a daily basis."_

"_I hate you, that's never going to happen again."_

"_Please Bella," said Edward with a snort, "If I have it my way you will be embarrassed like this as often as possible."_

_* _

"Stop!" Bella screamed in frustration, causing both Edward and Emmett to jump with her outburst. She threw the covers off her and stomped out of the room. She wasn't going to sit there and let Emmett mock her like that; to bring back those unwanted memories of her and Edward.

"Thanks for that Em. You're such a jackass." said Edward punching Emmett a little too hard on the arm as he took after Bella.

"Bella stop! Would you just listen to me?" called Edward, catching up to her halfway down the block and grabbing her arm.

"What Edward, what do you want to say to me? You had over a month to say something to me after I poured my heart out to you in that fricken message. Tell me, what's so important for you to say that you had to mull over it this long?"

"Well first you might want to go back inside…you're wearing my boxers."

Bella looked down blushing realizing that to any passerby this didn't look good…at all. She made a huffing sound, slapping his hand away as she turned around.

"Bella come on, you can't still hate me after last night." he said jokingly, his face almost optimistic.

Bella looked at him in confusion. "What do you mean after last night? We didn't…you and I didn't have…"

"No Bella we didn't. You were completely trashed I would never take advantage of you like that."

Maybe it was the main numbing throbbing in her head, or the adrenaline pumping through her body, but Bella couldn't stop from spilling out, "So if I wasn't drunk you would have fucked me?"

Bella gasped, surprised at her lack of brain filter, quickly covering her mouth with her hand. "Oh shit I can't believe I said that."

She burst out laughing, Edward flushing bright red, running his hands nervously through his hair and pulling at it a little.

He took a step closer to her, Bella's face warming with his breath. Edward brought up his hand to her face almost as if he wanted to touch her before deciding against it, and shoving his hands into his pockets.

He coughed uncomfortably, "Can we maybe, not have this conversation outside? The neighbors are staring." he mumbled looking down and kicking at the ground.

Bella looked over to see two of his neighbors sitting on their stoop, not hiding the fact that they were staring. She nodded and let him steer her back into the house, her heart soaring that he had his hand on the small of her back.

**AN: **So obviously if you read this chapter when I first posted it, you notice that there's…a lot missing. Sorry if anyone gets angry over me changing the chapter but I really didn't like it. This story isn't about smut so I decided to take it out. I'm sure this little edit improved the chapter a bit lol.


	10. Chapter 9: On Letting Go

**Author's Note:** If anyone has a lj account you should def check out the fanfiction community the_gazebo. the girls over there are pretty much amazing, trust me. the links in my profile.

_If blood is thicker than water then,_

_You'll drown quicker that we intended._

_If blood is thicker than water then,_

_You'll know where you can find us in the end, so we can begin again._

_On Letting Go – Circa Survive_

**Chapter 9: On Letting Go**

Once the front door closed behind them Bella whirled around to face Edward.

"What happened last night?" she demanded tapping her foot nervously on the ground.

"Nothing, I swear. We just talked and kinda figured all our shit out. You honestly don't remember anything?" Edward was starting to feel anxious his stomach lurching making him feel slightly nauseous.

"No, I don't at all. You need to tell me. What did we talk about?"

She didn't remember. He poured out his heart and soul to Bella, and she didn't remember…

*

_Edward lifted up the __Heineken bottle,__ bringing it to his mouth and taking a long swig. He picked at the coaster in front of him spinning it on its side and watching it as it slowly stopped. After sulking around the house all week, Jasper was sick of Edward's moping and forced him to come out with him and Emmett to the Draught Horse. Edward went straight to the open bar and didn't move for the next hour, losing himself in his thoughts and the never ending supply of beer. He was jolted out of his own little world by a hand being placed on his arm. He barely registered the girl in front of him before brushing her off and briskly walking away, beer in hand. He walked out front and shakily pulled out a cigarette putting it in between his lips as he flicked on his lighter inhaling deeply and holding it in, letting the nicotine burn through his lungs. _

_It had been almost a week since he had heard from Bella. __He knew instantly when he read her last text, _"It's been too long since I've heard from you & I lay sleepless knowing that my heart still belongs to you."_ that they were Cinematic Sunrise lyrics and his heart swelled as he sent back, _"Please don't go, just stay. I watched with tears in my eyes as you walked away. Miss your voice, & your touch,& if I told you I loved you could that be enough?"

_Even though they were song lyrics, he really truly meant what he said. When she didn't reply back he freaked out. After being assured by Jasper that the text message wasn't anything to lose sleep over, Edward let it go. Well, almost. He opened up that lone text several times in the following days smiling at the memory of that concert, bringing back good times that they had together. _

"_God, we were happy," he sighed thinking to himself. Shit, he was doing it again. "Shut up!" he accidentally said out loud, ignoring the snickers and stares of the other smokers around him. "Great, now I'm talking to myself. I'm going crazy."_

_Edward almost didn't believe it when he found out from Alice that Bella had begun seeing Jacob again. Way back when Bella swore to him up and down that she would never take his ass back. It wasn't until he saw her sneak out of Jacob's house one morning, hair disheveled, red faced as usual that he finally believed her. He had to grip the corner of his window sill to prevent from running outside and demanding to know what Bella was thinking going back to him. Jacob had hurt her, used her and threw her away whenever he pleased, not appreciating what he had until it was gone. Edward knew he was being a horrible hypocrite… but it hurt nonetheless. If he didn't have sleeping problems beforehand he definitely did now. Every time he closed his eyes he saw the same image of Jacob slamming Bella against a wall and roughly taking her, touching her and doing things that only Edward should be able to do to her…_

"_Edward?" The images stopped flashing in his head when he looked over seeing Jaspers confused face in the doorway. "What are you doing outside? What happened to you being my wingman tonight?"_

"_You wouldn't need a wingman if you just grew some balls and called Alice like everyone knows you want too," said Edward bitterly. He knew once the words came out of his mouth it was the wrong thing to say. A look of surprise flashed over Jasper's face before it quickly was replaced with anger._

"_You know what, fuck you. I'm done putting up with your mood swings. You talk about growing some balls? Look in the goddamn mirror Edward. We all know what you're doing and Ela is just…"_

_Edward rolled his eyes, not even bothering to listen to what Jasper had to say. He was fed up and officially over his so called best friends, Jasper taking Emmett's fucked up side more and more as they gave him shit about everything he did. They cursed him for being with Bella, disrupting the dynamic of the group while at the same time condemned him to hell for breaking up with her, only after seeing the effects it had on them with the limited visits from their love interests._

"_You know what, whatever, if you want to be an asshole so be it. Emmett and I are leaving in five, the girls are at Kappa Sig and we're meeting up with them."_

_Edward's heart lurched in his chest and he quickly looked over at Jasper._

"_That's what I thought," Jasper said with a smug look on his face. "I'm going in to get Emmett and then we're going to walk over there. Fix the attitude, Bella never liked Dickward."_

_*_

_Edward felt like a nervous little girl as they walked closer to the frat house, wringing his hands and wiping the clamminess of them on his jeans. He needed to talk to Bella, tonight. He wasn't going to put it off any longer. Edward pushed through the crowded dance floor, eyes scanning the room in vain for Bella, not finding her in the basement by the bar either. He stepped out back wiping the thin layer of sweat off his forehead and letting the cold envelop him. Frat parties were ridiculous overcrowded affairs and he avoided them like the plague. _

"_Edward?"_

_It was probably the first time in his life that he was ecstatic to see Rosalie. He pulled her into a hug ignoring the snickers of the random sorority girls she was surrounded by. _

"_Care for a hit?" she said waving the poorly rolled joint in her hand._

"_No thanks, I'm actually looking for Bella. Where is she? I need to talk to her."_

"_Of course you'd want to talk to her now," said Rosalie rolling her eyes and laughing for the benefit of anyone within earshot. "Get over it you had your chance."_

_She took a long puff on the joint, gripping Edwards shirt tightly in her hand and pulling him close to her, blowing the smoke into his face._

"_Move on Edward. Oh wait you already did, didn't you?" she said with an evil twinkle in her eye._

_Fed up Edward plucked the joint out of her hand, and dropped it on the ground, grinding it into the concrete with the heel of his shoe._

"_Go to hell Rose." He ignored her high pitched scream of anger as he walked back into the house and made his way towards the front door. There was no way he was going to be able to find Bella in this mess. He was stopped several feet from his destination behind a group of people waiting to leave._

"_You can't leave yet, there are cops outside."_

"_Fucking frat parties," Edward mumbled a little too loudly under his breath. He stood impatiently with the rest of the people waiting to leave, checking his phone and texting Jasper._

"_Edward!" _

_He turned around quickly at the sound of Jaspers voice, locating him at the top of the stairs, gasping at what he saw. He pushed people aside and took the stairs two at a time until he reached them. _

"_Shit Jasper what happened!?" he growled grabbing the opposite arm of an obviously intoxicated Bella, her head flopping to the side by the sudden movement and smacking against the wall._

"_Ouch," she slurred rubbing her head with her hand and closing one eye as she looked up at Edward._

"_Oh hey stranger, I thought that was you."_

"_I'm surprised you can even see straight as drunk as you are. What were you force feeding her Jasper, Everclear?"_

_Bella laughed at the scowl on Jasper's face pulling her left arm away from him and leaning toward Edward._

_By the time they got her downstairs people were finally being let out. Edward grabbed her waist and lifted her up to carry her down the rest of the stairs. _

"_I can walk Edward, put me down."_

_Edward silently obeyed her wishes and set her back down on the ground, keeping his arm around her waist to steady her. He felt the sharp curve of her ribs, frowning at how thin she had gotten._

"_I'm fine guys really. I'm just gonna get food, go home and pass out. I'm exhausted."_

"_No," said Edward sternly looking to Jasper for help, "You're coming with us. You can stay the night at our place; you're in no shape to be walking around by yourself."_

"_I don't know if that's a good idea," she said glancing up at Edward through her lashes swaying slightly._

"_It's fine Bells. You can sleep in my bed if you'd be more comfortable there," said Jasper touching her arm._

_Edward glared at Jasper, pulling Bella closer to him. He had the urge to kiss the top of her head but resisted. _

"_Ok," she said nervously looking between the guys. Edward was about to say that if she didn't want to spend the night that he'd walk her home but changed his mind when she wrapped her arm around him._

_He couldn't help chuckling, "This is the Bella I remember from last year. Drunk and stumbling around frat houses."_

"_Shut up!" Bella laughed, "That's not true. I hung out with you guys more than I hung out at frats."_

"_Sure, whatever you say frat rat," Jasper and Edward both said at the same time._

"_Come on; let's pick you up something to eat. You can use some water too, lots of water."_

_*_

_Thirty minutes later the three of them were sitting in Edward's room eating their Crown Fried Chicken talking about random drunken escapades and listening to music, Edward on his bed and Bella across the room sitting by his desk with Jasper._

"_Why in the world do you have this pussy song on your computer Edward!" called out Jasper turning up the music, "Only girls listen to Leona Lewis."_

_Edward and Bella awkwardly avoided looking at each other as the song blared through the speakers, _

"I don't care what they say; I'm in love with you.

They try to pull me away, but they don't know the truth.

My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing;

You but me open & I keep bleeding; keep, keep bleeding love."

"_This song makes me think of you," Bella mumbled looking up and making eye contact with Edward before shoving a chicken nugget in her mouth._

_Edward opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by Jasper's phone going off. Jasper's body stiffened as he looked up quickly shielding his phone from Bella. _

"_Umm, I need to take this. Your ok, right Bella?"_

_She nodded and Jasper grabbed what was left of his food before quickly leaving the room. Before the door closed behind him Edward swore he heard him say into the phone, "Hi baby."_

"_Did he just…"_

"_Yeah," laughed Bella, "I think him and Alice are secretly dating now. I don't know why they'd hide it though, it's obvious to everyone. Oh, well they probably don't want another epic break to destroy our little circle of friends."_

_Edward looked down embarrassed, not knowing what to say._

"_Shit sorry, that was the stupidest thing… Fuck my brain filter must be off or something."_

"_It's ok, it's true," said Edward sadly looking up at her._

_Bella's lip trembled slightly, "How come you never called or texted me this week?"_

"_I don't know," said Edward honestly, nervously running his hand through his hair._

"_I can't do this anymore," she whispered. _

_Edward stood up quickly and crouched down in front of her, putting his hand on her knee. "I know, I'm sorry." Bella looked up at him and opened her mouth to say something but Edward silenced her._

"_I'm sorry Bella, for a lot of things. I'm sorry for everything that happened and how things turned out between us. I'm sorry that I took me so long to apologize. I'm sorry that I lied to you, that I hurt you. I'm sorry that no matter what I say you won't believe me, and have ever right not to. I'm sorry for all the pain I caused you, just know that whatever you felt, I felt magnified by a hundred. And most of all, I'm sorry for taking away the time we should have had together. "_

_Bella stared back at him, her eyes filling with tears as her body slowly started to shake. _

"_What am I supposed to say to that Edward?" she choked out, "You're too late. You're three months too late."_

"_Please, just say you forgive me," he begged pulled her into a hug trying to convey all his feelings and emotions into their embrace. _

"_I just can't," she said as she pulled away from him, wiping at her eyes. "I can't just forgive you after everything that happened. You're too late Edward. Where were you when I was hurting, when I needed you? God Edward, you BROKE me, and I think I'm too far gone for even you to save me this time."_

"_Let me fix you," he said sadly, moving his hand to touch her face but deciding against it._

"_Edward," she said softly running her hand through his hair. They sat there in silence for a while just looking at each other until Bella spoke again, "You know over the summer when I was with you was the first time in God knows how long I was actually happy. I was in love with my best friend and he loved me back. Why wasn't that good enough? Why did we care so much about what our friends had to say about our relationship? Why didn't we stand up for ourselves and tell them to mind their own damn business… At some point in time you used to love me, right Edward?"_

"_Love," said Edward quietly looking up at her with tears in his eyes. "I love you Bella, I still do, and it's not in the past tense."_

_Bella's lip quivered as she let that soak into her brain. Edward stood up quickly and started pacing the room, his hands clamming up once again. He held it in for so long letting his feelings for her destroy him from the inside out. He needed to tell her, even if she didn't feel the same way anymore he needed to get the weight lifted off his shoulders. _

"_Bella," he said softly sitting down next to her. "You are the epitome of the perfect person for me. You make me feel all the stupid shit that only exists in movies. When I look at you my stomach flip flops and I get butterflies. You're one of the only people who has ever truly understood me. I will never forgive myself for what I've done to you. I don't know if you feel the same way or not but I know I will always be in love with you, I will always be drawn to you. I hate that we aren't good friends anymore. I honestly didn't think that everything would be so fucked up. It makes it hurt even worse when I can see you back with Jacob after everything he put you through. I know how much he hurt you and for you to forgive him and not me can only mean that I hurt you more than I can possibly imagine. I live my life in a haze, the only time my vision clearing when you're near me. I don't care if you don't feel the same way about me anymore, I can accept that. It's my fault; all of this is my fault." He paused to catch his breath, avoiding looking at Bella._

"_I cried my fucking eyes out when I read that message you sent me. It killed me that you think everything we had was a mistake. I don't want you to think that I don't care anymore, because I do. I wanted more than anything to be able to run to you and hold you and make everything all better again. Not because I want to "save you", because I love you. God Bella, I've never cared this much about a woman other than my own mother and it scares the shit out of me. You ask me why I never sent you a text, even something stupid like another song lyric or a simple hi. It's because what I wanted to say to you can't be conveyed in a text message or a phone call. I was scared; scared shitless of my emotions and how I couldn't, no, how I can't live without you. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't be me without you. You're everything to me Bella." _

_Edward stopped his rant breathing hard and rubbing his forehead. He was glad they were alone at that moment because he wasn't able to check his tears as they flowed freely down his face. She threw her arms around his neck and he held her tightly, both of them crying into each other's arms, Edward feeling a weight lifted off his shoulders. He wiped at the wetness around his eyes and looked at Bella. She looked so heartbroken and breathtakingly beautiful at the same time he just wanted to kiss her. He wiped at his eyes embarrassed that he cried in front of her and pulled back scanning her face. Even smeared with make-up, her eyes puffy from crying she was still the most beautiful person he'd ever seen. _

"_I'm sorry for not trusting you, for not fighting for us. I still love you Edward, always have always will. So what does this all mean, are we going to try this? Are we gonna start over?"_

"_Yes," he sighed as Bella brought her hand up to cup his cheek, looking into his eyes and into his soul. "You wanna know what I wanted to text you?"_

_Bella nodded wordlessly, talking his hand and holding it in between hers._

"_I was assigned a reading in one of my classes. One of the writers we discussed, Khalil Gibran, wrote several philosophical essays on different aspects of life like joy and sorry, good and evil, friendship, beauty…and love." He looked into her eyes as he said the last part taking a deep breath praying he'd be able to get this out. "His words moved me, inspired me. They spoke to me and I can't explain it. I had this huge epiphany that I was going about life all wrong, that I needed to change certain things about me, and I want to change, change for the better. God I sound like such a tool," he mumbled. He was about to stand up when he felt Bella grab his arm._

"_No you don't," she said, her voice cracking, her eyes pleading him to continue._

_Edward sighed before reciting part of the text from memory, _

"Forget not that I shall come back to you. It was but yesterday we met in a dream.

You have sung to me in my aloneness, and I of your longings have built a tower in the sky.

But now our sleep has fled and our dream is over, and it is no longer dawn."

_Edward looked over at Bella, her head bowed, tears streaming silently down her face._

"_I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you," Edward said quickly, not knowing what to do. _

_When she finally looked up at him, the intensity and love in her eyes took his breath away. "That was lovely Edward."_

_Edward looked down at his hand feeling suddenly exposed and embarrassed after showing her this part of him he never let anyone see before._

"_I wanna hear more." _

_He hesitated before standing up and walking over to his bookcase, pulling the small worn book off the shelf. He sat down on his bed and motioned for Bella to join him, sighing as she sat down and leaned up against him, resting her head on his shoulder. She grabbed the book and started flipping through the pages. _

"_The Prophet?"_

_Edwards face colored as he saw her scanning the notes he left in the margins, looking at the certain quotes he highlighted and marked._

"When you part from your friend, you grieve not; For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence"

_She looked up at him, her eyes shining, "This is beautiful Edward, I can't even…I'm speechless."_

_Edward smiled down at her, kissing her lightly on the forehead. He just knew that Bella would understand, that she would get how much the silly little words meant to him. When he tried telling Jasper about it, he just laughed joking that Edward was reaching a new low actually enjoying the pointless class they shared together. _

"_Here, let me read to you." Edward reached for the book and flipped through it. He moved further back on the bed, resting against the wall, encouraging Bella to scoot back over to him where she retook the position on his shoulder. _

"Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy; To return home at eventide with gratitude; And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips."

_Edward stopped reading looking down at Bella. He was so caught up in reading that he didn't even notice that she had fallen asleep._

"_Bella," he whispered lightly nudging her awake. She groaned softly, wrapping her arms around his neck and mumbling something into his shoulder._

"_What?"_

"_You still love me…right?"_

"_Yes, I still love you."_

"_So what does this mean?"_

"_I don't know, it's up to you. I'm tired of hiding it from you, I love you, and if you want to be with me then we'll be together. If you don't, it won't change how I feel about you but I still want to be here for you. I'd rather be Edward, your best friend, than the awkward mess we are now. _

"_Good, I always get what I want."_

"_What do you want?"_

"_You."_

**

"No I really don't. The last thing I remember is drinking with Jasper at Kappa Sig and that's it. I'm sorry Edward. I guess I need to start those AA meetings I always bugged you about going too."

Edward didn't laugh at her joke, leaning up against the wall and covering his face with his hands. They were back to square one all over again, and he didn't know if he had the energy, or the courage to go through it all over again. Drunk words, sober thoughts didn't always translate the same.

"You don't remember?" Edward looked at her despair all over his face.

She shook her head, giving him a sad smile and shrugging her shoulder.

Edward sighed, "I don't even know where to begin. We're ok. I said I was tired of us being awkward around each other and we both said that we still…" Edward stopped, uncertain of what he was going to tell her. The fear started to grip him again. "What if she didn't mean it? What if she was just drunk and doesn't really still love me?"

"Edward…" Bella interrupted his thoughts, waiting for him to tell her the rest of their conversation, knowing that it was important to their relationship even though she had no recollection of it at all.

"Well we both agreed to be friends again," he lied, hoping his face didn't give anything away, "To trust each other and be honest with each other, leave the past in the past. To let go of all the negative feelings we have toward each other and genuinely try to salvage our friendship."

Edward held his breath waiting for Bella's reaction. She looked a little unsure but eventually smiled the confusion gone, and hugged him.

"Of course we'd have an important conversation like that when I'm wasted. Thank god for once you remembered something."

Edward couldn't help feeling all the emotions coming crashing down on him again. He was glad they we're going to try for real to be friends again, but it made him desperately unhappy that she was fine with leaving it at that. He didn't know why he couldn't just say everything all over again. She had to still care for him, she just had too.

"Thank fucking God, did you guys finally kiss and make up?"

Edward glared at Emmett looking down at them over the railing by the stairs, giving him the finger behind Bella's back.

"You have the best timing in the world Emmett," deadpanned Edward.

Edward's phone started buzzing in his pocket and he reached down to pull it out, ignoring the call. He really didn't feel like talking to _her_ right now, especially after the night he had with Bella.

"Screening phone calls now?" Bella joked as the phone went off again.

"Umm yeah," he said awkwardly scratching at his head and looking away from her.

"What who is it? You can tell me I don't care."

Edward stiffened shielding it from view. "Sorry I need to take this, I'll be right back."

Edward walked halfway down the hall but was still within ear shot when he heard Emmett answer Bella's question for him, his heart stopping.

"Oh, that's just his girlfriend."

**Author's Note:** Don't hurt me =/ Feel free to give me any ideas. I've taken reviews into consideration in adding stuff to previous chapters. But no i will not kill off Jacob, I like him in my story.


	11. Chapter 10: Carry Us Away

**Author's Note: **Once again I'd like to mention the amazing girls over at the LJ community the_gazebo. You should definitely come join us over there, we don't bite...unless that's something you're into.

-

_This is not a puzzle or mainframe,_

_but it's meant to strengthen your faith._

_And each time the night falls upon us,_

_We always end up the same._

**Carry Us Away**

**-  
**

Bella sat numbly in the back seat of Jasper's car staring at the buildings flying by. She saw out of the corner of her eye Edward turn around in the front seat and smile at her. She gave him a weak smile in return and looked down at her phone for a distraction.

"_Oh, that's just his girlfriend."_

_Bella blinked a couple of times, "Girlfriend, since when?" She willed her voice to sound apathetic and forced a smile for Emmett's benefit before glancing down the hallway at Edward's back. He looked tense his shoulder hunched over as she heard him grumbling something into the phone. He looked over at her, making eye contact before she blushed and looked down._

"_Oh maybe a week or two. Once he realized you were back with Jacob I think he figured there was no reason to you know… wait for you anymore."_

It wasn't bad enough already that Edward told her they decided to be just friends again, but on top of that she had to find out that he had a girlfriend. The way he hesitated, the quick flash of anguish over his face when she said she didn't remember, made her think there was something more behind it. He said that they were going to be completely honest with each other but she knew he was lying. She hoped to God she didn't say anything embarrassing to him in her blackout stage. She'd just die if she told him she how she really felt and he turned her down. "That must have been it; that must have been why he looked so upset that I didn't remember. He must have told me he had a girlfriend…"

"Hey, you ok?" asked Edward quietly, looking at her with concern written all over his face.

"Oh yeah, I'm just really hung over," Bella lied with a fake laugh grabbing the side of her head like it hurt.

Edward frowned slightly but the excuse seemed good enough for him, "So have you started studying for Journalism yet?"

Bella blinked a couple times, having trouble wrapping her mind around what he was saying to her. She couldn't help staring at his lips as he talked, "You know, for our final?" He gave her an odd look no doubt overanalyzing her silence.

"Oh of course, right finals." Bella completely forgot, blushing as Edward noticed her staring at him. She jumped slightly when he reached back to her and touched her forehead with the back of his hand, catching her off guard.

"Are you sure you're ok?"

Bella nodded, unable to form any coherent words. Her skin burned where he touched her and she resisted the urge to grab his hand and keep it in place. She didn't even notice that they stopped until she heard Edward unbuckle his seatbelt and climb out. She looked over at him in confusion when he opened up her door.

"Aren't you getting up front?" He held out his hand to help her out of the car and Bella just stared at it.

Jasper coughed awkwardly, breaking Bella out of her spell as she took Edward's hand and let him pull her out of the car. He didn't let go, steering her towards the front and helping her into the front seat. "Do you want to meet up and have a little study session beforehand?"

"Sure," Bella choked out as her eyes scanned his face.

"Perfect, we can figure out the time and place later." He gave her hand a quick squeeze before releasing it. He brought his hand up to her face and traced his thumb along her cheek cupping her chin. He stared at her intensely for a few moments before frowning and ruffling her hair, "See ya later kid."

Bella sat there transfixed, watching him shove his hands in his pockets and walk towards the restaurant where he worked. She watched him walking away, feeling as if he was leaving her all over again. She was about to call out to him when her thoughts were interrupted.

"Bella," she heard Jasper say gently, "This is a no stopping zone, we should really get moving."

She turned around completely forgetting Jasper was even there, "Oh I'm sorry I was..."  
"It's ok," he said as she closed the door, making sure she was buckled up before he pulled out into the street.

"So, how was your night last night? I hate to pry but the last time I checked you and Cullen were in the awkward avoid each other at all costs stage, not sleepover buddies,"

"Please all of you love to pry, you guys are the worst gossips I know," Bella sighed, not even sure where to start. "I think you should tell me, I don't remember anything last night after meeting up with you at Kappa Sig. "

Jasper's jaw dropped slightly staring at her, "Jesus Bells, you and Edward need to consider joining AA. Both of you blackout more than everyone else combined."

"Well, you know what they say, drink the pain away."

"Oh really," said Jasper chuckling, an evil glint in his eye, "I'm gonna quote The Peaches here and correct you, isn't it 'Fuck the pain away'?"

"You…I can't believe…This isn't a joking matter Jasper! Edward's keeping something from me, I just know he is." Bella crossed her arm scowling over at Jasper, car horns blaring behind them, "It's green; you can go now."

Jasper laughed accelerating quickly, "So how's your boyfriend going to take it that you slept over at your ex lover's house? We all know the history Jacob and Edward have, and while it was mildly entertaining the first time, I'm not looking forward to another neighborhood brawl over you."

"I'm not dating Jacob!" screamed Bella in frustration, clenching her hands into fists.

Jasper jumped looking over at her in shock at her little outburst, "Calm down Bella, shit, Alice told us all that…"

"Well Alice needs to learn to keep her little mouth shut sometimes." Huffed Bella, crossing her arms. Her blood was boiling and she just about had it with Alice. She knew Alice couldn't keep her mouth shut about Jacob. The little gossip, what a good friend she was. She was worse than Rosalie, at least Rose didn't hide the fact she was talking about you behind your back.

"Oh boy, this certainly complicates things."

"What do you mean Jasper," snapped Bella, "It doesn't change anything."

"Yes, actually it really does. Shit I probably shouldn't tell you this," he paused looking over at her.

Bella knew the boys too well and knew exactly how to play each one to get what she wanted. She placed her hand softly over Jaspers on the gear shifter looking up at him blinking quickly several times, "Please tell me Jazz, you're my favorite. Favorites don't keep secrets from each other."

Jasper groaned and carefully moved her hand off his, "No Bella, It's not my place to say. You really need to hear this from Edward. I don't want you to kill the messenger."

Bella's heart fell, Jasper knew something, something bad. The last time he kept something like this from her was when he told her that he caught Jacob fooling around with another girl behind her back…oh shit.

"He slept with her didn't he, the new girlfriend?" Bella asked her voice coming out as a high squeak.

He gave her a small apologetic smile, but didn't say anything.

"Ok," Bella breathed in deeply and exhaled slowly, trying to compose herself. She knew that he would move on, that he'd find someone else but it still hurt regardless. She felt as if her heart was breaking, the hope that they'd get back together eventually finally shattered.

"Bella, we all know it means nothing to him, she means nothing to him."

Bella let out an almost manic laugh, "Oh really now, and you know this how?"

"You can just tell, he isn't the same way around her as he was with you…Wait, do you still have feelings for Edward?"

Bella looked up rolling her eyes, "No shit Sherlock. Fuck Jasper isn't it obvious to everyone? You of all people should know that I still want to make things work with Edward."

"It isn't that obvious Bells," he said gently, "You haven't even really talked to him in ages. And didn't you say you worked things out with him last night?"

"I guess so, I don't know," said Bella running her hands through her hair, "I was really drunk, beyond polluted. I would give anything to be able to remember what happened. Edward said that we talked about everything and that we decided that we're going to be friends again, let the past stay in the past."

"So that's good right?"

"Jasper," Bella said desperately, a single tear running down her cheek.

"Bella, I'm sorry. I really am."

"Don't tell Edward, please. Keep this to yourself," Bella begged, "The only reason why he wants to make things work now is he thinks I'm back with Jacob."

"Don't worry I won't say a thing. You should know though, she really doesn't mean anything to Edward. He still cares about you Bella, I can see it."

Bella laughed, brushing off the comment, "No he doesn't, he wants to just be friends. So we'll go back to that."

"But you can't can you, be just friends with him?"

"Of course not, I'll always want more. Yet at the same time I'd rather have him as my friend again then not have him in my life at all. This whole break up thing was hard for me Jazz, I didn't feel just betrayed by Edward, I felt betrayed by all of you. I can't remember the last time I've really talked to you. I used to be over at your house every day, you were one of my best friends too. What happened?"

Bella blinked back tears, she looked over at Jasper and saw the look of despair on his face. She could tell that he didn't like seeing her hurt like this.

"Bella I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you," he said grabbing her hand

"God I'm so sick of myself. All I do is fucking cry over Edward this is ridiculous," she said burying her face in her hands.

Jasper looked over at her helplessly as she lost it yet again. She cried for everything, her feelings for Edward and how she knew that they'd always be there. For being a hypocrite and lying too him as well. She cried because she couldn't take it anymore. She didn't know how to handle her emotions and she was all over the place. She wanted him back and the selfish person in her didn't want him happy when she wasn't.

Jasper stopped the car in front of her apartment and Bella quickly opened the door slamming it behind her.

"Bella wait," he got out of the car and ran up to her, grabbing her by the arm and pulling her into him for a hug. She clung to Jasper sobbing in his shoulder ignoring the stares of people walking by. Jasper smoothed her hair and said nothing, stroking her back until her sobs calmed.

"Are you ok love?" he asked tilting her head up and wiping at her eyes.

"Of course not," Bella choked out new tears filling up her eyes.

"You deserve to be happy Bells, you both do. I don't know the half of it, but I do know that you both still care about each other. So what he lied, so did you. He wants to change, to be better for you. At least give him credit for that. He always thought you deserved more than just the damaged soul he thinks he is. I can see it in his eyes, he loves you. He doesn't care about anyone else. I've witnessed all of his recent…conquests. They don't mean anything to him, they only temporarily help to fill the void that you left in him."

"He just wants to be friends Jasper, that's what he said. He wants me to trust him, so I'll have to do just that. Trust him when he says he just wants things to be how they were before...everything."

"Are you sure that's what he wants? And he's not just going along with what he thinks you want?"

"He has a girlfriend Jasper."

"He thought you were dating Jacob, give him a break. He was trying to move on. What did you expect, for him to sit around waiting for you forever?"

"Hold on," said Bella quickly getting defensive, "Edward was not waiting for me. You do know that he was the one who broke things off with me, right? He broke MY heart, not the other way around. Why does everyone take Edward's side in this? If I had my way we would have been together this whole time."

"You say that he broke you, well you broke him too. He's been a complete emotional mess the last couple of months, he's just better at hiding it than you. After reading that Facebook message you sent him, which was cruel even for you, he up and left. None of us knew where he was, his mother was considering filing a missing person's report. You can't even imagine what we thought… He was gone for eight days Bella."

"Oh my god, I had no idea. No one told me…" Bella instantly felt sick to her stomach. She knew that message was a low blow but she had no idea what kind of effect it had on Edward. She just assumed he read it and ignored it, chalking it up to her usual theatrics for attention.

"I don't want you to feel guilty, I just want you to know that you're not the only one hurting here. I don't know, I really don't get you guys."

"He did it for you Jazz, for everyone. He loved me, but he loved you, and Emmett, and Alice, and even Rosalie. He knew this was going to happen, that by us dating it would change all of us. That our relationship didn't just involve me and him, it involved all of you."

Bella finally got it, no matter how fucked up it was she understood where Edward was coming from. It's not that he didn't love her, he was afraid of change. He needed the comfort of the group and with the two of them dating it completely changed the dynamic of all of their relationships.

"That doesn't make very much sense," said Jasper carefully, not wanting to upset her further.

"I know, but it does to Edward."

"You know, for someone who has a 3.8 GPA he doesn't have much common sense does he?"

"No, no he doesn't," laughed Bella, wiping her runny nose on her sleeve. "Thanks Jazz," she said hugging him tightly.

"No problem Bells, I may have been a shitty friend lately, but I am still here for you."

Bella smiled, "To make it up to me, I think you should tell me what's going on between you and Alice."

"Don't push your luck sweetheart."

**

Bella opened the door and walked into the almost empty upstairs wing in the school's library. "I knew this was whole studying thing was a bad idea," she thought to herself, nervously looking around. She walked down the center aisle passing several groups of students, but still no Edward. She had picked up her phone and dialed his number when she spotted him almost hidden in the back behind a row of computers.

"Hey," she said awkwardly putting her tote bag down on the table. Edward flashed her a smile before standing up and pulling out the chair next to him.

"Oh thanks," she mumbled, pulling off her jacket.

"So have you studied much yet? I'm halfway through the chapter on Journalism of Verification," he said holding up the small paperback book.

"Um yeah, I typed up notes from all the chapters. I have another copy of them if you want it."

"That sounds great Bells," he said beaming down at her, his face faltering a bit at the serious look on hers.

He looked down quickly, busying himself scanning through the pages she just handed him. Bella couldn't concentrate, peaking glances up at Edward as he furrowed his brow in concentration highlighting key points in the notes.

She was highly aware of how close they were sitting together, the air buzzing with the electric static between them. She eventually relaxed enough to start going through her notes without rereading everything twice when she felt Edward's leg brush against hers. She held her breath as she waited for him to move it but he didn't. She looked up underneath her eyelashes to see him still deep in concentration. Bella couldn't help the slight shake in her hand as she went back to her review sheet, writing little key points to herself in the margins.

They barely talked, only occasionally asking the other a question before going back to their readings. Bella almost jumped out of her skin when she felt Edward's hand touch her left one lying on the table. He quickly pulled his hand away, clearing his throat.

"Well I think I'm done for the day," he said packing up his notes and textbooks, "I'm pretty sure I can quote _The Elements of Journalism_ in my sleep. 'Journalism's first obligation is to the truth; It's first loyalty is to the citizens,' yeah still don't care. Want me to save you a seat tomorrow?"

"Ok, sounds good. I'll probably still be here a while," Bella said standing up when Edward did. They stood there looking at each other before Edward awkwardly hugged her, giving her two little pats on the back before pulling away. Bella couldn't help laughing at the interaction and waved at him as he walked away.

Bella tried in vain to continue studying after Edward left but her thoughts were occupied with him. They were taking the whole "starting over" thing seriously, not over stepping boundaries like they did before, taking things slowly this time. There was definitely no sleepovers planned in the near future and Bella was torn on how she felt about that. She wanted to be a good friend and respect the fact that Edward now had a new girlfriend, but at the same time she wanted to tear the bitch to pieces. It was quite the dilemma, and something Bella had been losing sleep over the last couple of days.

**

The rest of the week went by in a blur. Bella practically lived at the Tech center for the amount of time she was spending there studying. Like he promised, Edward saved her a seat for their Journalism final. Bella was one of the first people finished and she waited anxiously for him outside the classroom.

She was leaving for Christmas break that night and wanted to once and for all ask Edward about his girlfriend. They avoided the subject in the various text's and phone calls they exchanged throughout the week, but Bella knew for her sanity she had to know at least who she was. Even after some thorough Facebook stalking she couldn't figure out who the "new her" could be. She waited for Edward to finish, mentally going through what she was going to say to him.

When the door swung open and Edward stepped out he looked surprised to see her shivering there in the cold waiting for him.

"So what did you think?" she asked, her voice raised up an octave.

"It wasn't bad at all. Thank to your notes I'm pretty sure I aced it."

"Oh good," said Bella lamely looking down at the ground.

"Do you want to get a coffee or something?"

"Um actually I have to go back and pack. My train leaves in two hours and you know me, I haven't even started."

Edward nodded, shoving his hands in his pockets, "Ok well, I'm sure I'll talk to you before but if not, I hope you have a good holiday."

"Yeah, you too…"

Edward slowly turned around to walk away before Bella called out, "Edward wait."

Edward turned back, his face apprehensive, "What's her name?"

Bella must have imagined it, but it almost looked like he was relieved that's all she asked him. "Who's name?"

"You know," she said rolling her eyes, looking down at the ground again.

"Charlotte."

"Oh, ok…"

She turned to go not wanting any further details of their relationship when she heard Edward say, "We're having a New Year's party at our house again this year. Wanna come?"

"Of course, I'd love that," said Bella smiling genuinely, remembering how much fun she had with all the boys at the party the previous year. The highlight of the night being when they almost had to take Emmett to the hospital when the champagne cork hit him smack in the eye.

"You can bring Jacob."

Oh right, yeah of course she'd have to bring her "boyfriend" Jacob. Bella trudged home, not looking forward to the piles of clothes she needed to pack and the daunting task of getting Jacob Black to spend a civil evening with his least favorite person in the world, Edward Cullen.

-

**Author's Note: **This ended up being more of a transitional chapter but I swear there will be plot advancement in the next one and lots of it if you picked up on little foreshadowing things. Let me know what you think, I appreciate each and every review, and they kind of validate the time I spend writing this instead of doing things like oh study for finals. Reviews make me happy, and happy writers who know that people are looking forward to updates, update faster. Especially if they already have the next chapter finished. Jsyk ;)


	12. Chapter 11: Close Your Eyes to See

**Author's Note:** OVER A THOUSAND HITS IN ONE DAY ON MY LAST CHAPTER :'). Thank you so much to the people who took the time to write me reviews. They were amazing and I love knowing that people aren't only reading my story but actually getting into it in a way. So thanks for making my day =)

-  
_What I tried to say this couldn't feel more wrong,  
I can't believe it's happening or lasting this long.  
If we know each other then why should it be so hard,  
Why should it be so hard to make it stop? _

**Chapter 11: Close Your Eyes to See**

"Jacob, come on," whined Bella pulling down on his shirt and buttoning it up. "You're making me more nervous than I already am. Remember, you promised you'd try and be civil." The thought of meeting Edward's new girlfriend for the first time was eating away at her, her anxiety only intensifying with Jacob's sour mood.

"Civil yes, but I don't remember agreeing to be your Barbie doll for the evening."

"Excuse you, you're not Barbie, you're Ken. Now stop moving around so much and let me fix this shirt."

Jacob cursed under his breath, pulling the shirt out of his pants refusing to let her tuck it in.

Bella smoothed Jacob's black hair, sweeping it over his forehead, "Stop it, you look nice."

"You're dressing me like Edward, I don't like it."

Bella ignored him, bending down and slipping on a pair of heels. She couldn't help thinking Alice would be proud of her. She went out all on her own and picked up a simple yet sexy little black dress. The small slit up the back and the plunging neckline made her nervous, but hell she needed to dress to impress tonight. It had been over two weeks since she last talked to Alice, and she already knew from talking to Jasper that she wasn't going to be attending the party tonight.

"Nice," said Jacob leering at her as she bent over.

"Ugh gross turn around," Bella laughed shoving him hard in the chest as she shifting uneasily in the tight dress.

"Hmm you were singing another tune last year when I had you like that…"

"Yeah, don't remind me. Let's go, keep your hands to yourself. Well, unless the situation calls for it. Just follow my lead."

Jacob grabbed her jacket draping it over her shoulders, "Whatever you say Girlfriend. You owe me big time. We stay until midnight and then you come with me to Leah's."

"Yeah, yeah I got it. Just behave yourself and don't start any fights."

Jacob laughed, "Please, I'm sure after my last encounter with your scrawny ex he knows not to mess with me. The only reason why I didn't beat him into a pulp was because he had his two roommates by his side."

Bella rolled her eyes pushing him out of the house. Jacob and Edward hated each other through and through, and she was at fault for it.

_******_

_Fueled by the shots she had taken and the cups of mixed drinks she drank during the pong games, Bella pulled out her phone hastily texting Jacob. Their sad attempt at being an official couple ended when Bella caught wind of him fooling around with other girls. She was no longer interested in him that way, but couldn't help being obsessed. It was just too much fun to play him, and she actually really did like him, but just as a friend. _

"_What are you up to tonight? __I'm at Emmett's come over!"_

"_I have people over. Why don't you guys come over here?"_

_Bella smiled down at her phone, that was way too easy. _

"_Earth to Bella?" she looked up just in time to see the ping pong ball headed right for her head. She ducked quickly out of the way, knocking the last cup in front of her off the table. She heard a low groan next to her as she looked over at Edward. _

"_Fuck Bella, we just lost!" His words drowned out by Emmett's bellowing laughter across the table._

_Bella gave him her best sad face and apologized jumping past Emmett to run over to the group of her friends talking in the corner._

"_Ok change of venue, who's with me?" she called out. She gathered the troops in the form of Jessica, Alice, Angela, Lauren, Rosalie, and Emmett. Jasper being a loyal friend, stayed behind with Edward who refused outright to step into Black's house. Bella sighed, the topic Jacob Black a mute point between them, always ending up in a fight that neither of them won._

"_Oh Edward don't worry, you'll always be my favorite, well other than Jasper," she said kissing his cheek. She jumped at the light shock she received when her lips touched his face. She looked quickly at him seeing the surprise on his face. "Did he feel that too?" His face quickly darkened as he scowled at her. _

"_Go have fun, or whatever. I don't know what you're thinking. I thought you were done with all of this shit." _

"_Oh come on Edward, I'm not serious with the whole Jacob thing anymore." _

"_Just go, don't come crawling back to me when this ends badly," Edward stormed past her, brushing off her arm and grabbing the bottle of Limon off the pong table. _

_Everyone just ignored him, used to how moody Edward could be at the drop of the hat, alcohol not helping with the mood swings. Bella shrugged her shoulders at the odd looks she got from her friends. _

"_Ok people let's go!"_

_******_

_Bella regretted leaving Edwards almost instantly. She was bored, sulking in the corner talking to Leah, Sam's girlfriend, as Jacob eyed her from across the room. It had been a little over an hour and he still hadn't come up to say anything to her. Normally Bella would play along, flirting with his friends until he approached her but she was just over the whole game. She wanted to play pong, with Edward. She mentioned to Leah that she wanted to go, telling her to bring along Sam. No one was happy this time as Bella begged everyone to come back with her._

_"Shit Bella, do we always have to do what you want?" slurred Rosalie, her arm around Emmett's neck. Almost everyone, including Sam and Leah, followed suit walking down the three houses back to Edward's._

_Bella slammed through the front door, using the key that Edward had made for her instead of waiting for someone to answer her banging knocks. _

"_Careful Bells," Jasper called after her as she stumbled past him. _

"_Where's Edward? Edwarddd, Pong!" she screamed down the hall. "Tell Edward to get down here now," she said to Jasper grabbing Leah's hand, "Follow me." _

_She led them downstairs pointing to the bag of red solo cups and the keg in the corner. She started setting up the game for pong filling her cups with lemonade looking around for her rum before remembering that Edward took the bottle with him when he stormed out of the room earlier. She ran upstairs looking over at Jasper helping a very drunk Alice get to the bathroom, "Where is he?" she whined. _

_Jasper motioned with his head towards the stairs, "Bedroom."_

"_Oh," Bella said not being able to keep her face from falling, "Who's he with this time?" _

_Jasper chuckled, "Oh you, no one. Just your bottle of Limon and that shit music you downloaded for him to listen too."_

_She ran upstairs opening the door a crack and peering in. "Edward," she sing-songed, drawing out his name. She saw him sprawled out on his back eyes closed, one hand resting on his chest, probably passed out. _

"_Wake up you lightweight," Bella said stumbling over his computer chair and falling onto his bed and crawling over to him. _

"_Edward," she whispered directly into his ear. She looked down at his face smiling; he looked so beautiful and peaceful when he was sleeping. She brushed her fingers lightly over his eyes and leaned over him, resting her chin on his chest, reveling in the feel of his chest moving up and down with each breath. She put her hand over his heart feeling it beat slowly and steadily against it. _

"_Edward, wake up." She poked at his arm continually until he swatted it away, slowly stirring awake. _

"_Hi," she said looking at him as he blinked a couple times. He slowly sat up causing her to roll harmlessly off him. _

"_So, do you wanna play pong with me?" _

_He groaned rolling over and shoving his face into the pillow. _

"_Leave me alone. Tired, drunk, passing out," he mumbled into the pillow. _

"_Please," she whined running her hands up his back laughing out loud as the static shock from touching him reached her fingertips. The more she moved her fingers across it, the stronger it became. She tried to remember if was always like that, being forced out of her thoughts by Edward startling her, grabbing her hands. _

"_Stop," he said loudly, the word echoing in the room. _

_Bella's breath quickened as she looked at him. She couldn't help staring at his mouth, feeling a combination of fear and something else. She looked up into his eyes to see them suddenly dark._

"_Sorry," he said quickly dropping her hands as if they burned him. Bella could still feel the warmth of his fingers on her wrists and she looked down running her fingers along the marks that his left on them. Her pulse quickened realizing for the first time how close there were and she became highly aware of the arm he had unconsciously wrapped around her waist. She let out a breath she didn't know she was holding breathing in the scent of him. The cigarette smoke, his cologne, a little bit of Limon and beer. She brought her hand up to his face and cupped his jaw trailing her finger along its edge. He groaned softly and once again grabbed her hand. _

"_Come on, let's play pong," he said quietly._

_Bella didn't move blinking as she continued staring at him. She shook her head, her hand still resting against his face. In that moment she had the strangest urge to kiss him. _

_She tore her eyes away from him when she heard his door get pushed open all the way._

"_Look who I convinced to come over…Oh," Jessica peered around Jacob, who was standing in the middle of the doorway, mouth open gapping at what he walked in on._

_Bella tore her gaze away from Jake facing Edward, dropping her hand and standing up quickly. She stared at him, frowning at the scowl on his face before turning back to the doorway, seeing only Jessica._

"_Go Bella," spat out Edward, "I know you want too."_

"_No," she whispered, looking over at him and kneeling onto his bed, "No I don't want him here. Make him go away."_

_Edward blinked, taking in her words before he nodded in understanding, "I'll tell him to leave," he said standing up turning around, "I'll be right back."_

_Bella looked around the room, suddenly feeling really awkward as she waited for Edward. She ran up to the mirror next to his bed and fixed her smudged make-up sitting back down and looking at her hands. After what seemed like hours with still no sign of Edward, she walked out of the room and headed down the stairs. She stopped hearing loud voices coming from outside. She opened the front door and looked down to see what looked to be the start of a fight. Both groups of boys were standing facing each other Jacob screaming and gesturing at Edward standing inches away from his face._

_Bella opened her mouth to say something when she heard Sam gruffly call out to her, "You! You started this, what the hell Bella!"_

_She had no idea what was going on and was suddenly not feeling so hot looking between Edward and Jacob as they stared at her. Everyone started screaming at once, Bella almost certain she heard one of the boys scream out, "She's mine. Back the fuck off." It sounded like Edward but the phrase didn't make sense coming from him. Her stomach lurched as she turned around and ran back into the house straight into the bathroom. She didn't know how long she stayed there, getting to know Edward's toilet more than she wanted too. By the time she felt better, the fight was forgotten to her as she stumbled upstairs and passed out facedown in Edward's bed. _

_She woke up the next morning with no recollection of the previous nights events groaning as she heard the story recounted by Edward and Emmett. She felt like an idiot and couldn't believe she unconsciously started a fight between them with an offhand comment. She felt really bad that it ended up getting physical, Edward seemed oddly proud of his new black eye and the broken knuckle in his right hand. She tried in vain to call both Sam and Jacob but only got their voicemail. She tacked the night up as another reason to join AA and mentally added it to her long never do again list. Never have Jacob Black and Edward Cullen within a 100ft radius of each other, especially while under the influence. _

_**_

"Shoot, I can't believe, ugh this is ridiculous," Bella turned around to see a petite brunette girl struggling with a duffle bag and a box of wine, dropping her purse into the slushy snow.

"Here let me help you," said Bella picking it up and grabbing the wine out of her hand.

"Oh thank you," she said, blowing a strand of hair out of her face, "I'm a frazzled mess right now. I got lost for over 45 minutes trying to find this place."

Bella laughed looking at her, "Oh I remember the first time I drove here. I ended up circling City Hall for about twenty minutes before my friend Edward had to drive down to rescue me."

"Oh you know Edward? We must be going to the same place. I'm Christie by the way."

"Bella," she said with a smile before sifting through her purse, "Follow me, I think I have a key in here somewhere," Bella opened up the door and let herself in, her nerves and Jacob forgotten as she helped the girl bring her stuff into the house.

"Shoot, I don't know what I did with my phone I need to figure out where to put my stuff."

"We can just put it in Edward and Emmett's room for now. I doubt the boys will mind."

Bella walked up the stairs stopping in front of the door. She knocked lightly before slowly pushing it open, "Anyone here?" She looked around to see it empty and grabbed the bag from Christie putting it on the ground by Edward's bed.

Christie's phone went off, playing one of Bella's favorite songs by Kings of Leon. She flipped it open quickly her eyes scanning the text before typing a reply back.

"Perfect, he's going to be late. I just love being at a party with no one I know."

"Oh don't worry. I pretty much know everyone who's going to be here, I can introduce you."

Christie smiled widely, "Thanks! You're a lifesaver. I swear some people don't understand that large social gatherings can be intimidating sometimes."

"I know exactly what you mean. Everyone here's pretty open and friendly. Plus you have wine so that'll help win a couple of them over."

"Let me just change really quick," said Christie gesturing to her jeans and the ratty sweater she was wearing, "I'll meet you downstairs."

"Ok I'll see you down there," said Bella with a wave quickly taking the steps two at a time.

"There you are!" called out Jasper, motioning her to join him. Bella walked over giving him a quick hug and smiling at Emmett, "Hey guys."

Rosalie gave her an icy smile the corner of her mouth twitching slightly, "Long time no see Bella."

Bella ignored her, "Did you see where Jacob went?"

"Yeah he's downstairs."

Bella excused herself and went into the basement. She hoped that Jacob didn't run into Edward without her, but she didn't hear any screaming so she figured she was ok.

"Bella! Finally, come play pong against me. Mike's gonna be my partner."

Bella went over to the small group of her girlfriends, talking to them a bit. "Come on Jessica, you're the only one who can play. Sorry guys," Bella laughed, "it's true."

Angela huffed and pretended to be angry but laughed along with Bella.

"Oh who's that?" Bella turned around at Jessica's question, seeing Christie walk down the stairs in a stunning bright blue shift dress.

"That's Christie, maybe she'll play with me." Bella skipped off over to her, not hearing the whispering of her friends behind her, "Who's Christie?"

Christie readily agreed to play with Bella, grateful for the distraction. Bella grabbed an empty pitcher off the table and walked over towards the keg, "Who are you waiting for anyway Christie?"

She didn't hear her reply as she looked up from filling up the pitcher to see Edward walking down the stairs. Her heart flip flopped to see him dressed up in a crisp black button down and dark wash jeans, his hair still messy as ever. He smiled remember what Jacob said about her trying to dress him as Edward.

He worked his way over to her, giving her a small side hug, "Hey how's the party so far? I never thought I'd get away from home, you know how my mom can be."

Bella smiled, remembering how much she loved Edward's mother, "Yeah how is Esme?"

"You know busy with the renovations to the house. She wanted me to say she misses you and expects you to visit sometime in the spring."

Bella nodded, not hearing a word he said already distracted by the question she was waiting to ask, "So when's this girlfriend of yours going to get here?" It was easier to get it over with, like yanking off a band-aid. Quick and slightly painful, but the sting goes away fast.

"Actually she's already here somewhere. I saw her car parked out front." Bella's stomach dropped as she self-consciously smoothed her hair and wiped at her eye make-up hoping it wasn't smudged. "Oh there she is, come on, I want to introduce you."

It was all happening too fast. Jesus Edward could be so stupid sometimes. Didn't he realize she needed time to process this information? She followed him warily, her hands getting clammy. She hoped to God that he didn't start making out with the new girl in front of her, she didn't know if she'd be able to handle seeing that so soon, regardless if they were "friends" again or not.

"Hey Charlotte I want you to meet someone. Bella, this is Charlotte. Charlotte, Bella."

Bella's mouth dropped open, looking between Edward and the girl standing next to him. Edward shifted nervously in front of her, taking a step toward Bella probably trying to figure out if Bella was going to jump her or not. It suddenly made sense, why Christie, or Charlotte, brought stuff with her…she was staying the night with Edward.

"Charlotte? I thought you said your name was Christie," said Bella placing the half full pitcher on the table, defensively crossing her arms in front of her and looking over at the girl who no more than five minutes ago she thought would be a new friend.

"Oh I'm sorry that's my last name, Charlotte Christie. Almost everyone I know calls me that. God I feel so stupid Edward always called you Swan, it never clicked that you were the same person."

"Wait you guys already know each other…" started Edward before Bella interrupted him, grabbing a random cup off the table and shoving it into his hand.

"Can you get me a beer please?"

"Bella there's beer right in front of you," she glared at him, hoping he got the point that she wanted him gone. He walked away, glancing back at them nervously. Bella could have laughed. He looked on edge as if waiting for a fight to break out between the two girls.

"I didn't mean to deceive you Bella. I honestly didn't realize that you were..." She stopped unsure whether or not to say it.

"That I'm Edward's ex?" Bella shifted slightly uncrossing her arms. She knew she was being ridiculous. She really liked this girl, Edward aside she knew that they had a lot in common and she seemed more genuine than the other people she hung out with.

"I know I just met you but I really like you. I hope that you won't hold the situation we're in against me and that we can be friends," Charlotte said sincerely holding her hand out to Bella.

Bella sighed, looking down at her hand before shaking it, "Of course. So now is it Christie or Charlotte?" Bella laughed, breaking the tension.

"I guess Charlotte, it'll be less confusing. For some reason Edward insists on calling me Charlotte. The only other person who does is Peter and… well never mind that's a long story."

"Yeah Edward can weird like that," Bella said shaking her head, "Come on, we have a game to win, and I really don't like losing."

Charlotte let out a little nervous laugh, linking her arm with Bella's. "Well, luckily we're on the same side."

Bella couldn't help the random thought that popped into her head, mentally kicking herself, "For now anyway."

**

Bella couldn't believe how well the evening was going. It killed her to think that she liked, no she loved Charlotte, spending most of the night glued to her side. They had a lot in common, from having the same interests in movies and foreign films, to being in the same major. Jacob spent a surprisingly long time talking to Edward and Bella had to pinch herself to make sure she wasn't dreaming when she saw them laughing together and getting along. What a difference time could make. As it neared closer to midnight everyone gathered in the large family room for the countdown. For appearances sake she gave Jacob a quick kiss on the lips at midnight, looking over his shoulder at Edward and Charlotte. They awkwardly looked at each other unsure of what to do before Edward leaned down to give her a kiss, Charlotte moving at the last second, resulting in Edward kissing her ear.

"She must not want me to be uncomfortable," thought Bella. Damn why did she have to be so considerate, and friendly, and gorgeous, and…perfect. She was just the type of person Bella always imagined Edward to be with. She was a well put together upgrade version of Bella. Bella 2.0.

"Ok, time to go. It's after midnight," said Jacob interrupting her thoughts. He ran out of the room to grab their coats, leaving Bella to say her goodbyes. She kissed Jasper on the cheek apologizing for not spending much time with him and made the rounds saying bye to just about everyone.

"It was really nice meeting you. I'm sure I'll see you soon," Bella said to Charlotte looking around for Edward.

"He went up to his room to bring down a bottle. I swear the man drinks like a fish."

"Oh believe me I know. Don't get caught up in his games. After a year of keeping up with him I think I'm ready to throw in the towel."

Bella gave Charlotte a quick hug before walking out of the room and making her way up to Edward's room. She saw Jacob by the front door and grabbed her coat from him.

"I'm just going to say goodbye to Edward." He nodded and walked outside to wait for her, obviously having enough of her friends and Edward for one night.

Bella stopped at his door leaning against the frame, "Hey."

Edward closed the fridge door, a handle of vodka in his hand. "You leaving already?" he questioned taking in her coat.

"Yeah, I promised Jake that we'd stop by his friends place after midnight. I guess by midnight, he really meant leave at midnight."

"Oh ok," said Edward putting down the bottle as he walked over to her, "Well happy New Year." He enveloped her in a hug and Bella instantly melted against him holding him tight.

When he let go Bella smiled, looking down before saying, "Christie or rather Charlotte, I don't know whatever… She's lovely Edward. I really like her; I get what you see in her." She wished that her face didn't look as sad as she knew it probably did.

Edward signed and sat down on his bed patting the spot next to him, "Do you have time?"

Bella nodded and sat next to him, wringing her hands as she waited for him to speak.

"Jacob's…not as bad as I remembered."

Bella laughed, "Yeah, he's alright."

They stared at each other for a few seconds, "I'm moving out before spring semester starts."

"What?" Bella didn't expect that at all, she searched his face confused.

"I'm still taking classes at Temple; I just can't live here anymore. I love Jasper to death but…"

Bella nodded in understanding.

"I'm moving to University City down by Drexel, I know you don't know him but I'm moving in with my friend Aro who I met playing lacrosse way back when."

"Why are you moving so far away?" Bella said in despair her heart fluttering painfully knowing that he was probably moving to be closer to Charlotte on top of getting away from Emmett, "I'm never going to see you anymore."

"That's not true; I want you to visit me. It'll just be me obviously. I just wasn't sure if you'd still want to…"

"Of course I would Edward," said Bella touching his arm. They both looked down where there skin touched. "I miss what we had," she mumbled looking up at him surprised to see him smiling down at her.

He smoothed her hair away from her face, letting her rest her cheek against his palm.

"So find it again," he whispered, kissing the top of her head.

They sat like that in a comfortable silence for a few minutes before Bella stood up, "I gotta go. Jacob's waiting."

Edward nodded holding out his hand to her, "I'll walk you out."

Bella hesitated but took it, their fingers fitting just as perfectly as ever as they walked hand in hand out of his room. He gave her hand a little squeeze before letting go when they reached the front door.

"Happy New Year Bella," he said kissing her softly on the cheek.

"Happy New Year Edward," She couldn't help smiling again as Edward put his hand under her hair pulling it out from under her coat and fixing the collar. She ducked under his arm as he opened the door for her, waving back at him when she reached Jacob.

"Well that went surprisingly well," laughed Jacob as they walked toward his car.

"Yeah, yeah it did, didn't it?"

-

**Author's Note:** So what do you think of Charlotte? I bet most people weren't expecting that. No fighting, no crying…weird lol. Reviews, as always, are lovely and make me happy. Let me know what you think =)


	13. Chapter 12: Handshakes at Sunrise

**Author's Note: **I know, I know, it's been forever since I've updated. Sorry about that, real life was pretty busy the last couple of weeks. I had to finish up the semester at school and move back home...and yeah no one really cares. Hopefully this chapter won't be a disappointment after such a long wait.

_You'll keep it on the inside,_

_cause that's the safest place to hide._

_No one has to know,_

_Playback, delete & rewind._

**Chapter 12: Handshakes at Sunrise**

Bella stared out the window of the train taking her back to Philadelphia watching the farmlands of Lancaster flash by. She was glad to finally be heading back, feeling as if she missed out on so much being home for winter break. The last two weeks seemed to stretch out forever, the events of New Years Eve still crystal clear in Bella's mind. She worked her dull bank job automatically answering phone calls and sorting through money, her face hurting from the eight hours of forced smiles and conversations a day. Bella couldn't wait to get back to Temple, and Edward.

Unlike the time over the summer when they were apart, the distance between them was bearable; only seeming to bring them closer together. Bella tried not to over analyze the daily text messages Edward would sent her. They were just simple things that he was up to every day, nothing too personal, but they meant the world to her. They would text back and forth for an hour or two until whatever they were talking about came to a natural end, repeating the process the following day. The growing familiarity they had with each other was comforting, even though still a faint reminder of what they used to be. As the train pulled up to 30th Street station Bella pulled out her phone and tried calling Alice again in vain.

"I knew it was a bad idea to rely on her," Bella mumbled to herself as the call went straight to voicemail.

She filed out of the train with the rest of the passengers stepping onto the escalator that would take them up from the platform to the station. She frowned at her heavy duffle bag, already thinking about how annoying riding the subway with it would be. She stared off into space her heart jumping slightly as she saw Edward slowly coming into view as the neared the top of the escalator. Bella couldn't keep the smile from spreading across her face as she walked up to him dropping her bag to the ground as he pulled her into a hug.

"Edward I didn't expect to see you." She hoped that he couldn't feel how hard her heart pounding in her chest or notice that her hands were shaking slightly.

"I thought I'd surprise you, especially since I won't be able to make the big welcome back celebration at my house tomorrow night," said Edward pulling away from her, picking up her duffle bag and effortlessly swinging it onto his shoulder.

"You're missing your own party?"

"Yeah I have to go back home for the day. It's my cousins wedding. "

"Who has a wedding in the middle of January?"

"Yeah, don't ask. It's a private joke. I really think they just wanted to be difficult. The Cullen's tend to stray from what's considered socially normal."

Bella couldn't help snorting, "Yeah that's for sure. Well have fun, Delaware is evil."

"Hey now, It's not my states fault that you got lost and ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere. You're just a shit awful driver," joked Edward as they neared his car.

"Evil, pure evil. My gas light never even went off. It's a sigh that it doesn't want me there. "

"It meaning the whole state?"

"Yes."

"Well why don't you give it another chance, come with me." Edward said as they reached his car, opening up the back door behind the drivers seat and putting her bag inside. He looked over the roof of his car at her, waiting for an answer.

Bella's mouth dropped open, "He can't be serious," she thought avoiding his stare and climbing into the passenger seat, fumbling with the seat belt as a distraction.

"Well do you?" asked Edward interrupting her thoughts.

"Do I what?" she replied back stupidly, knowing her face was probably bright red by now, betraying her feelings like it always did.

"Want to come with me? It'll me, you and an open bar; can't get any better than that."

"Uh I don't…" Bella had no idea what to say. She wanted to blurt out "Aren't you supposed to take your girlfriend to weddings? What about Charlotte?" but she kept her mouth shut.

"You don't have to if you don't want to, just thought I'd ask."

"Of course I'll go," she said a little too quickly, her words jumbling together.

Edward laughed his smile lighting up his whole face, "Perfect, I knew you'd say yes. You were never one to turn down free alcohol."

Bella rolled her eyes, his laughter infectious, "I hope you know that the only reason I'm coming along is so that I can sing to "Hello I'm in Delaware" in your car when I'm actually in Delaware."

"Ok I take it back. You are officially uninvited."

"Hey my singing isn't that bad! I doubt you can do any better."

Edward smirked down at her giving her a little wink, "Hmmm, Point taken. Oh and just so you know, it's a formal wedding so that means even though it's like 20 degrees outside you are required to wear a dress."

*

Twenty minutes later Bella was standing inside her apartment. She frowned at how messy it was inside, dragging her suitcase over to her bedroom and knocking lightly on Alice's door.

"Alice, you home?"

"Yeah give me a minute."

Bella back towards the living room automatically starting to tidy everything up. She gathered Alice's textbooks that were scattered all along the floor and placed them on the coffee table. One of them caught her eye, the off white cover and art work oddly familiar.

"Hey!" Alice gave Bella a bone crushing hug causing her to drop the book on the ground.

"Alice I love you, but I can't breathe," laughed Bella patting her on the back.

"I missed you. You're never allowed to leave me alone here anymore. God I was so bored. I'm never going to complain about you playing your emo music ever again, the silence is so much worse. Oh be careful!"

She picked the book off the ground brushing imaginary dirt off it and placing it back on the counter, "Don't touch. Jasper would kill me if you ruined his stuff."

"Oh that's Jasper's huh," said Bella raising her eyebrow.

"Come sit I have a lot to tell you," said Alice patting the couch lightly.

Alice and Bella talked for hours, Alice finally admitting to Bella about her not so secret relationship with Jasper. Bella forced a smile as she listened to Alice tell her stories about how cute Jasper was with her and how surprised she was that she actually liked being in a relationship. Bella wanted to be happy for Alice, but she couldn't help that pang of jealousy that it should be her in Alice's situation, happy and in love with Edward.

"So, how is Edward?" Alice asked gently looking down at her hands.

"Do you really want to know or are you politely asking just for me to say that everything's fine? I take it him surprising me at the station was Jasper's idea and not yours."

"Bella," Alice looked up at her sadly, tears forming in her eyes. "I'm really sorry about how I've been acting. I should have been there for you. I just didn't want you to get hurt again; I want you to be happy."

Bella hugged Alice her eyes watering up as well, "I know Alice, I know. I've been a miserable person to live with the last couple of months. I was hurting… I wasn't prepared for what happened. Never would I have imagined that Edward of all people would do that to me, leave me broken like that."

Alice listened intently as Bella told her everything. That she was rebuilding her relationship with Edward and how it was going slow, but surprisingly well this time around. She didn't leave anything out, even telling Alice about Charlotte.

"Stupid bitch I'm going to kill her," hissed Alice shaking her head.

"That's the thing, she's not a bitch. She's actually kind of perfect."

Alice snorted but let Bella continue, "She's really sweet, genuine, and I really like her. I think we can be friends even. I want to be able to get along with her…It'll just help with the whole Edward friendship process."

"So you really want to be just friends with him?"

Bella just looked over at Alice and rolled her eyes, "Oh, ok. Well how does Jacob feel about you being friends with Edward?"

"Alice, I'm not dating Jacob. Like I'm really not. We're just friends. That's all we want to be."

Alice blinked a couple times, "But you're just saying that because you don't want all of us to be in your business…right?"

Bella laughed, "No Alice I'm really not dating him."

"Oh, well does that mean that you. Do you still have feelings for," she paused looking over at Bella, "Does Edward know?"

"No, he doesn't, only Jasper does. As long as I keep up the pretense that I'm dating Jacob things with me and Edward will be easier. I don't know how to explain it. "

"You should tell him Bella. Nothing good can come out of you lying about something like this."

"I know I will eventually, I just need more time. It's easier being able to hide behind Jacob. It's best that Edward think I'm no longer pining for him. No need for him to feel guilty that I'm still head over heels in love with him when he's already moved on…"

"I guess you're right," said Alice obviously not buying Bella's reasoning, "You know I really hope everything works out for you Bella. Out of all of us, you both really deserve to be happy; happy together."

"Yeah well you know I'm not going to get my hopes up. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. There's no use pining over him and wasting time and energy crying for something I don't have control over anymore.

"Stay strong Bella, don't give up hope. I fully believe in karma and I think it's about time for something good to come your way."

"Funny you should say that," said Bella nervously, "Edward kinda invited me to his cousin's wedding tomorrow. I know, I know, I'm completely whipped and will do anything Edward wants me to do. I just want to be near him and this is the perfect opportunity. I already told him I can go so don't bother trying to talk me out of it."

Alice sighed, "Come on let me find you something to wear. I'll make sure Edward Cullen has eyes for only you."

Bella smiled standing up and throwing her arms around Alice, her heart swelling with gratitude toward her friend. She knew how stubborn Alice could be and she was grateful that she was choosing to be supportive of her this time around.

*

Bella's winced slightly, her heart hurting as she looked at all the couples around her. She played with the button of the black cardigan that she wore over her strapless silk dress nervously glancing over at the men in Edward's family as they took pictures before the ceremony. Edward looked breathtakingly handsome in his crisp black tuxedo and Bella couldn't keep her eyes off him. She brushed off the dirty looks of several other guests no doubt snickering at how she managed to snag Edward . She almost lost it when he first introduced her to family as, "His good friend from school." To add insult to injury it seemed as if Esme was completely oblivious to their break up, constantly making comments about how good she thought Bella looked, "Doesn't she look absolutely lovely Edward? Won't she look just breathtaking wearing a long white gown?" Bella blushed as Edward made eye contact with her, giving her a little wave before facing the camera for another shot.

"Oh you must be Edward's girlfriend," teased the older woman Bella didn't even notice standing next to her, "I've heard a lot about you. You're even more beautiful than I thought you'd be."

"Oh no, I'm not, you're thinking of…"

"You're Isabella right? Isabella Swan?"

"Uh yeah but…you see we're not,"

The older lady smiled tapping her softly on the arm, "I knew it was you just by the description my little Edward gave me while he was home for Christmas. That boy thinks the world of you honey, and you both make a very handsome couple."

Bella couldn't do anything more than just smile awkwardly and thank her as she walked away.

"She said Christmas, does that mean Edward was talking about me over Christmas to his family? She must have seen me looking at him, he was probably just describing Charlotte and she assumed he was talking about me. That still doesn't explain how she knew my full name…"

"So my Grandma have anything nice to say?" joked Edward, startling her as he walking up to stand next to her.

"That was your Grandmother?"

"Yeah, she didn't tell say anything rude to you did she?" said Edward his face darkening.

Bella shook her head looking down.

"Come on, let's go take our seats. The ceremony's going to start soon."

Bella followed him into the banquet hall, the future Mr. and Mrs. Cullen choosing not to have their wedding in a church. Edward led her over to their seats and Bella sat down silently, nodding and smiling whenever anyone came up to talk to Edward. She couldn't help the waves of emotion that were running through her but she tried her best to keep them in check. It was easier for her to imagine how different the wedding would be if they were a couple, instead she just felt awkward and out of place among his family desperately wishing she could be part of it.

Edward carefully reached over to her hands folded in her lab and picked one up, intertwining his fingers with hers. Bella looked down at their hands before quickly glancing up at Edward. He smiled at her, lightly squeezing her hand and pulling them closer to him, resting them on his knee. They sat there hand in hand not saying a word as the ceremony started.

Bella zoned out everything, only noticing that the bride and groom were now standing in front of her because they all had to rise when the bride walked in. Her body was tingling at the point of contact between her and Edward and she couldn't think of anything else.

"The beliefs and thoughts about love which motivate these two people are perhaps best expressed in the words of philosopher Khalil Gibran."

She felt Edward stiffen next to her, squeezing her hand tightly. She glanced over at him to see his head bent to the side, his eyes trained on her. He looked apprehensive his eyes darting across her face.

"What?" she asked more than a little confused.

His face fell as he quickly loosened his grip on her hand, "It's nothing."

Bella listened intently, trying to figure out what Edward could possibly be thinking.

"You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore. You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days. But let there be spaces in your togetherness. Love one another but make not a bond of love. Give your hearts, but not into each others keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts."

"That was beautiful," whispered Bella looking over at Edward, not even noticing that a single tear escaped her eye.

"That was Gibran," he mumbled almost to himself as he leaned over and cupped her chin with his hand, wiping the tear away from her eye with his thumb.

Bella all but stopped breathing staring at Edward, their faces inches apart. Her breathing was labored as she watched him, his facial expression softening under her gaze.

"Oh my god, he's going to kiss me," Bella's voice screamed in her head. Part of her wanted this more than anything. Wanted to bridge the distance between him and throw her arms around his neck and kiss him with abandon. Part of her wanted to push him away and slap him, to demand how he dare bring her to a wedding of all places when he was involved with someone else.

As if sensing her internal struggle Edward paused, his warm breath enveloping her face, "Bella," he sighed resting his forehead on hers.

Bella looked at him, his eyes closed and his brow furrowed together. He looked like he was struggling with what his heart wanted and what he knew was wrong just like she was. When he opened up his eyes they were masked with pain and desperation. Bella inhaled sharply instinctively tilting her mouth up slightly to his. Nothing else existed to them in that moment. They locked eyes, his filled with such an intensity that it sent shivers up and down her body. He brought his hand up to her arm, goose bumps sprouting across her skin. She didn't hear anything else other than the sound of their breathing and her heart pounding loudly in her ears. They moved together flawlessly her lips moving up to his, opening slightly in anticipation while his moved down to her. Their little bubble suddenly burst as loud clapping interrupted them, Bella jumping at the sudden noise and almost falling out of her seat.

Edward laughed nervously pulling away quickly and running the hand that moments before had been on her arm through his hair. He glanced at Bella, standing up along with everyone else to clap as the newly married Mr. and Mrs. Cullen walked down the aisle. Bella jumped up a second later, numbly clapping along with everyone else forcing a smile on her face. Bella was startled once again when Edward carefully touched her arm, jerking it violently back and holding it to her chest.

"Sorry," he said quickly looking away, "We need to follow everyone out."

Bella looked around noticing for the first time that most of the people were walking out of the room on their way to the banquet hall for the reception. She silently followed Edward, clenching and unclenching her hand that was still tingling slightly from his touch.

*

Bella frowned crossing her arms in front of her amidst the group of single women waiting for the bouquet to be tossed. She wanted to hit Edward when he announced to everyone she was single and she was dragged up along with every other single lady to the front of the room on the dance floor. She blocked out the voices of the women around her as she thought about the ramifications of what almost happened with Edward. They hadn't spoken a word to each other during dinner, Edward instead falling into a deep conversation with Carlisle who was seated to his right. Esme smiled over at Bella and tried to bring her into the conversation but it was all in vain. Bella was miserable and just wanted to go home. It was a bad idea to come to the wedding with Edward. It just effectively brought back all memories of them together and made her depressed thinking about if she herself would ever get married.

She was halfway through convincing herself that Edward's actions were only caused by the wedding atmosphere that she let out a small gasp as she felt something hit her chest. She looked down at her now uncrossed arms in horror at the little bouquet of flowers in front of her.

"What the fuck…"

Bella blinked in confusion at all the fuss made over her, trying to look over the heads of the women to find Edward.

"We're not done with you yet little lady, come stand over here," said who Bella assumed was the wedding planner, pointing to a chair sitting in the middle of the dance floor.

"I'm sorry can you tell me what's going on. I never go to weddings," confessed Bella sitting down.

"Oh you'll see soon hun." Bella was just about to ask what she meant when she looked over to see all the guys standing together across the room, the groom holding up a garter that minutes before was presumably on the leg of his new bride.

Edward was standing up front his face hard and serious, Bella noticing several of the guys standing next to him squaring off looking as if they were getting ready to jump forward.

Bella gasped as the groom launched the garter towards the men, getting lost in a mini scuffle. Bella heard a chorus of laughter from all the guests as Edward yanked the garter out of the hand of the man next to him, slowly making his way to where Bella was sitting.

"What's going on," Bella asked him as Edward knelt on one knee in front of her.

"Every inch over the knee equals ten years of good luck," said the wedding planner smiling down at Bella as she announced the tradition to the rest of the guests.

"Edward get up this is ridiculous…" Bella stopped talking as she felt Edward touch the ankle of her right leg, lifting it slightly and resting it on his bent knee.

Bella's heart was beating so fast she felt like it was going to jump out of her chest. She shivered slightly as Edward slid one hand up the length of her leg, resting it on her thigh. She held her breath as she watched him use his other hand to slip the garter over her heel, moving painstakingly slow as he inched it up her leg. They locked eyes as he rose slightly into a crouching position, using both of his hands to hold her leg up and gently slide the garter further up past her knee. He finally stopped at a dangerously inappropriate place high on her thigh his hands completely under her dress.

Bella's whole body was on fire and as she couldn't miss the lust in Edward's eyes, knowing hers were mirroring his. She heard a nervous cough causing her to break eye contact and look over to the seated guests; some of the faces shocked others amused at the sensuality of the simple wedding tradition. Bella blushed bright red letting Edward pull her up and rolling her eyes as he took a bow to the thundering applause of the guests.

"Come on," he said softly putting his arm around her waist and pulling her close to him, "Let's go sit down."

*

Bella climbed into the front seat of Edward's car smiling at him as he made sure she was in and settled before closing the door behind her. He walked around getting in and putting the key in the ignition.

"That was fun, wasn't it?" He asked her starting the car.

"Yeah it was," said Bella still fingering the garter through her dress.

She felt Edward staring at her quickly moving her hand and looking out the window. She jumped slightly at the shock of his touch on her knee, his hand burning into her skin as he gave her a little squeeze. She immediately felt its absence when he removed it, frowning slightly. The frown vanished as she felt his hand caressing her knee once again and she unconsciously covered his hand with hers.

Edward chuckled and she couldn't help looking over at him, "I had to shift gears," he said with a little grin. Bella rolled her eyes acting like she didn't notice but knowing that he knew she did.

They didn't mention that intense moment between them during the ceremony on the two hour ride back to Philly nor did they mention the whole garter incident, the memory of Edward's touch on her legs and the look in his eye causing Bella to flush just thinking about it. She closed her eyes and tried to keep her breathing at regular intervals so Edward would think she was sleeping. She didn't want their perfect day to end never expecting it to go as well as it did. Edward loosened up after the garter incident, both of them genuinely having a good time for the remainder of the wedding reception.

She couldn't remember the last time they were comfortable like this, like the old them. She tried to hold back the immense sadness that washed over her as she thought that once she got out of the car everything would change. That tomorrow she was going to help Edward move out of his house, and on with his life. It was a new beginning for him and even though he said he still wanted her in his life, it wasn't the same way that Bella wanted him in hers.

"You sure you still want to help me tomorrow? It was a long day today. I'll be fine moving out on my own, not that I expect you'll be much help anyway," Edward said with a small smirk shifting slightly in his seat to face her. Bella must have really fallen asleep because he didn't notice that they were already back in Philly, the car idling quietly in front of her apartment.

"Oh don't worry about it, I have nothing else planned. Shouldn't be a problem," mumbled Bella looking down. She opened her mouth slightly as she felt Edward's hand cup her chin and slowly turn her head toward him.

"I really did have a good time today Bells. I didn't tell you earlier, but you look stunning, absolutely beautiful."

Bella blushed fumbling with her seat belt, "Ok well I should probably go."

They sat their staring at each other both unsure of what to do. Bella moved back slightly just as Edward leaned forward to kiss her softly on the cheek, instead his lips hitting the corner of her mouth.

"Oh I'm sorry I didn't,"

"Bella I," they started at the same time.

Edward coughed awkwardly closing his eyes tightly and leaning back in his seat, "Have a good night Bella."

"You too Edward, I'll see you tomorrow."

She closed the door behind her and waved as he sped away, smiling as she brought her hand up to her lips. Maybe it wasn't just a new beginning for Edward, maybe it was a new beginning for her too. For the both of them. They were in this together and even if she had to fight for him she was never going to give up hope that one day she'd be back with him again.

**Author's Note:** It makes me laugh how many people want to harm my characters for their inability to get their shit together. I'm sure this chapter just added more fuel to that fire. Let me know what you're thinking, reviews are always appreciated...and really do help getting the next chapter out more quickly. *hint hint*


	14. Chapter 13: Your Friends Are Gone

**Author's Note:** I really suck at updating I'm sorry =( I forgot to mention that this story got accepted a while ago at Twilighted so I've been slightly distracted catching the story up there. I'm really going to try to get back on schedule with a chapter every week and a half like I did early on. This chapter is dedicated to my bb Jess (Jeda115 on LJ) my new beta :') ILU.

___

_When you open up you let yourself seem vulnerable,  
And the morning sun will make our bodies comfortable.  
In taking off your clothes, everything hidden is suddenly exposed.  
You'll keep it on the inside, cause that's the safest place to hide._

** Chapter 13: Your Friends Are Gone**

Like Bella promised, she woke up bright and early on Sunday morning to help Edward move out. She groggily threw on a loose pair of jeans and grabbed an old sweatshirt out of her closet, pulling her hair up into a messy ponytail. She took a quick glance in the mirror before deciding to add a little bit of eyeliner, figuring it couldn't hurt. She looked down at her phone as it buzzed on the bed, knowing without reading it that the text message from Edward said something along the lines of him being out front.

When she stepped out of her building, Bella couldn't help groaning at how bright it was outside. It should be against the law to be up and out of bed before 9 am on a Sunday. She shuffled her feet as she slowly made her way over to the old black BMW 325i parked out front. She waited for Edward to open the door for her, knowing that the handle didn't work from the outside. No matter how many times she told him he needed a new car he just ignored her. Apparently "Beems", as he so creatively nicknamed it, had character. If by character he meant cigarette burns and chipped paint then yes, it had plenty of character.

"Hi Edward," she mumbled tiredly, curling up into a ball and nuzzling her face into the soft leather seat.

"Still not a morning person I see?" he laughed, holding a Starbucks cup out towards her.

"Please tell me that's what I think it is," Bella said, enthusiastically reaching for the coffee with surprising speed and energy.

"Grande white mocha with whip cream. How could I forget?"

She hummed contently as she drank her coffee looking over at Edward, the smile on his face showing he was pleased by her reaction. As they pulled up to his house several minutes later it didn't escape her notice that Emmett's car wasn't out front.

"He's not here. He's taken to sleeping over at Roses' lately," Edward said, reading her mind as he parked the car.

Bella knew Emmett was obviously a touchy subject with Edward so she kept silent as she followed him inside. When they reached his room Bella's mouth opened in surprise, "Oh you already packed everything up." Edwards' room was basically cleaned out, completely bare with the exception of a few lone boxes.

Edward chuckled, brushing against her slightly as he walked into the room, "My dad helped me move out a couple of days ago. I figured you'd be better at the unpacking and settling in part."

"True. I guess I wasn't going to be a big help with the heavy lifting anyway."

"This is the last of everything, if you can just grab one of these boxes and bring it down to the car, we're all set," Edward said as he picked up one the larger of the two.

"Oh, what's in this one?" Bella asked as she curiously leaned down towards the box simply marked with a "B".

"Bella don't," started Edward, looking slightly panicked.

"Too late," she said brightly as she popped the box open. Edward's expression was pained and Bella knew why once she looked down at its contents.

"You…kept all this stuff?" Bella whispered as she sat down, slowly taking things out of the box. Concert ticket stubs, dinner receipts, the many mixed CD's she made him, every little love note she used to hide around his room.

Edward put down the box he was holding and lowered himself to the ground next to her picking up a small stack of papers, every single one of them a sketch Bella drew for him.

"Of course I kept it Bella. You're a big part of my life. I'm not just going to throw you-," Edward looked up at her, correcting himself, "Throw all this stuff away."

Bella smiled as she picked up a stack of photos flipping through them, "God we were ridiculous. We're trashed in half of these pictures. Oh, a Polaroid. Cool," said Bella, reaching at the bottom of the box for the upside down picture.

Edward tensed visibly as she picked it up, the image taking her breath away. She traced the couple in the picture with her finger, swallowing thickly, unsure of what to say, "I didn't…I didn't even know there was a picture of…" she mumbled, looking away from the Polaroid but avoiding Edward's gaze.

"Our first kiss?" He replied, gently taking it from her hand and using the corner of his sleeve to wipe the little smudge her finger left on the surface.

Bella snuck a glance at him as she heard him sigh. Edward bent over, holding his head in between his hands.

"I meant it, you know," he whispered, slowly gathering everything Bella took out of the box and carefully packing it back up. "I don't think I ever told you that. I wanted us more than anything. I guess I was just biding my time until you came around."

"That night made me realize I felt the same way," Bella said gently a wave of sadness washing over her, "I was so caught up in my obsession with Jacob that I didn't truly see you. I'm sorry for that."

"Don't worry about it," said Edward nonchalantly, "You figured it out a couple weeks later anyway."

They were both silent, lost in thought, thinking about the night months ago when they had their cinematic first kiss.

*

_Bella had had enough. She stormed out of the house, screaming in frustration when she realized it was pouring outside. She ignored the rain beating down on her as stomped down the block towards Edward's house._

_"God damn that Jacob Black!"_

_Once again, she drove down to visit Edward, calling up Jacob as soon as she was in Philly. How perfect could it be, her crush living basically next door to her best friend? Bella had the whole summer planned out, most of it revolving around spending more time with Jacob, oh, and Edward, of course. Now, two weeks into her vacation, she knew it was going nowhere. Jacob was a self absorbed asshole who maybe liked her as a friend but that was it. She couldn't believe she let him lead her on for so long. She took the steps going up the familiar stoop two at a time, slamming her body against the door with a loud thud._

_"Edward!" she whined, pounding at it with her fists._

_A startled Edward opened up the door, laughing and shaking his head. Bella could only imagine how ridiculous she looked, water running down her face, her body shaking with rage._

_"Bella, what are you doing out in the rain? I thought you were staying over at Jacob's tonight?"_

_"I'm done with Jacob," she sputtered, the rain falling harder, leaving her standing there completely soaked. She stood there in the rain as Edward just stared at her, the surprise slowly leaving his face. He frowned and waited for her to say something else but she just shrugged._

_"Oh Bella," sighed Edward as he walked out to stand on the stoop with her. He brought his hand up to her face, slowly pushing her wet hair out of her eyes. It all happened so fast Bella barely had any time to react. She felt Edward snake his other arm around her waist, pulling her body closer to his. He dipped his head down to meet hers, whispering in her ear, "It took you long enough," before lowering his face to hers and planting a sweet, chaste kiss on her lips. He held them there for about five seconds before slowly pulling away._

_He smiled down at her as she blinked rapidly, trying to figure out what had just happened. Her legs instantly felt weak and she had trouble breathing. Bella felt Edward pull away slightly, instantly feeling a sense of loss, clinging tightly to him to prevent that uneasy feeling from washing over her. She'd never felt this way before, not even with Jacob. Her heart was pounding and she knew that a blush was slowly spreading across her face._

_Bella wanted to say something eloquent, well thought out, and mature. She wanted to tell Edward how she was feeling and ask him if he was feeling the same things. Instead she blurted out the first thing that came to mind, "What was that for?"_

_Edward's smile flickered slightly as he carefully removed her hands from around his waist. "I don't know," he said with a little shrug, "It's just about time you stopped all this Jacob Black nonsense. You can do so much better."_

_"Not looking like this I can't," said Bella with a snort her heart beat accelerating at the way Edwards' eyes roamed hungrily across her body. Bella suddenly became self conscious at the obscene way her clothes must be sticking to her. She crossed her arms over her chest, shivering slightly._

_"Oh, I beg to differ," he said thickly, "Let's go inside. I'll get some dry clothes for you."_

_Bella was slightly confused, still trying to sort out the strange feelings she was having towards Edward, of all people._

_"What?" he said with an awkward laugh, "You look like I just killed your puppy. It was nothing, friends kiss each other all the time."_

_"Yeah, nothing," echoed Bella. They both turned towards the door, Bella letting out a small surprised, "Oh!" when they saw Alice watching them, one hand clutching an old Polaroid camera and the other resting on the space over her heart._

_"Alice, how long have you been standing there?"_

_"Oh, not long at all," she said quickly, hiding the camera behind her back._

_Edward eyed her warily, looking over at Bella one more time before turning and walking into the house. Bella wondered if she always felt this way about Edward or if she just needed a catalyst to put everything into the right perspective. With one little peck on the lips she saw Edward in a whole different light, and she knew she could never go back to thinking of him as just her best friend._

*

Bella was silent on the ride over to Edwards' new place. She stared out the window, trying to think about anything other than the box in the seat behind her. Even though she knew Edward wanted to move out, he still looked upset that he was leaving such a big part of his life behind him. It wasn't like he was moving far, his new house in University City was a little less than 20 minutes away, but he still wouldn't be able to see everyone as often as he used to.

Edward slowed the car down, parking in front of a large two story house. Bella climbed out wordlessly, putting her hand over her eyes to block the sun and get a better look at it. She helped grab one of the boxes from the back seat of his car and followed a couple feet behind Edward up to the front door. The house was basically set up the same way his old one was, but definitely in better condition.

"So, what do you think of the place?" asked Edward, as he put the box he was carrying down at the foot of the stairs.

"Oh, I love it, it's just so...," said Bella, looking around, finally realizing what was off about it, "It's just so clean."

Edward laughed, putting his arm around her and leading her down the hallway, "One of my roommates keeps everyone in line. She's kind of a neat freak."

Bella couldn't help laughing, "Oh god, I can't even imagine having to clean up after guys. How many people live here?"

"Five. Aro, Alec, Jane, Marcus, and I. Aro and Marcus are the only ones in the house now. They're up early to watch the Temple game. I'll introduce you to them."

Bella tensed, self consciously smoothing her hair. Edward, sensing Bella's apprehension to meeting the new guys, reassured her everything would be fine, "Don't worry, they'll love you. Just ignore Aro, I do. He has a... word filter problem and tends to say whatever he's thinking, no matter how inappropriate it may be."

Bella nodded and shyly followed Edward down the long hallway, the loud voices of his roommates reaching her ears. As she walked into the room, she saw two guys sitting on a leather couch watching TV.

"Hey guys," said Edward, giving Bella's hand a reassuring squeeze. "I want to introduce you to my friend Bella. Bella this is Aro and Marcus."

Bella felt herself blush as Aro looked her up and down, giving her a disapproving look before turning back to the TV without saying a word,

Marcus rose to greet her shaking her hand and smiling, "Hi Bella, it's nice to finally meet you. Edward's told us so much about you. Come sit down, the game's about to start."

"I'm going to bring the last of the boxes upstairs, I'll be right back," said Edward, ignoring the pleading glance Bella threw in his direction not to leave her alone.

Bella awkwardly sat down next to Marcus, staring blankly at the TV. Marcus asked her a couple questions about her major, where she was living and whether or not she was a basketball fan, before turning his attention back to the game. People in Philadelphia were very serious about their sports team loyalties, and as fellow Temple students, Bella figured that Aro and Marcus were Temple Owls fans.

Bella took the chance to look around the room, not surprised by the selves adorned with empty liquor bottles and the white board still showing the order of a beer pong game that must have taken place the night before. Her eyes stopped in the corner of the room by the TV, on a guitar case leaning up against the wall.

Bella walked over to the case, opening up the clasps to reveal a beautiful black, acoustic Fender guitar. She crouched down to get a better look, running her fingers lightly along the strings.

"Careful, your Eddie doesn't like when people touch his guitar without asking first," spoke Aro, his voice low and gravely.

"Edward doesn't play the guitar," scoffed Bella turning around to glare at Aro.

He raised an eyebrow at the confidence she had in her statement, "Maybe there are some things about Edward that you don't know, little one."

"Trust me, I may not have known him as long as you, but I'm pretty sure I'd know if he could play any instruments by now."

"You may know Edward fairly well, but I doubt you know about what he's been up to lately. Maybe Charlotte taught him a few new tricks he's kept you in the dark about," said Aro icily, the tension in the room palpable.

Bella clenched her fists, her blood quickly boiling. She didn't mean to get into an argument with Edward's new roommate but how dare he throw Charlotte in her face like that. Bella opened her mouth to snap back, Edward cutting her off as he walked into the room, "I don't play the guitar Aro, you know that. Just tell Bella it's yours."

An awkward silence took place as Aro and Edward glared at each other. Bella glanced over at Marcus who just rolled his eyes and looked back at the TV. Edward and Aro seemed to be silently communicating to each other, as Bella saw Edward shake his head slightly to the side out of the corner of her eye.

"You know, it's too bad, I've always been attracted to musicians," Bella joked, trying to break the tension.

"Oh, really?" asked Aro with an amused smirk as he eyed Bella again, before turning his gaze back to Edward.

Edward sighed, obviously sick of her and Aros' bickering already. "Come on, Bella, let me show you around. I think you've spent enough time with Aro."

Aro flicked his hand in the air in a mock wave, "I'm sure we'll see you around, little one."

"Sorry about that," Edward said apologetically as he gave her the tour of the rest of the house, "He gets some type of amusement pushing people's buttons. He'll lighten up once he gets to know you better. "

Bella rolled her eyes, for some reason she had a feeling that this wouldn't be the last time Aro picked a fight with her.

Bella spent the next two hours helping Edward unpack and get settled in. If being at the wedding with him wasn't enough, setting up his new room definitely made her feel as if she was his girlfriend again. It seemed oddly intimate going through and sorting out all of his belongings.

"We're having a party tonight, you should come over. You'll know me, Marcus, and Aro. My other roommate Peter is going to be here too. He's much more agreeable than Aro. I'm sure you'll like him. Oh and Charlotte."

Bella couldn't help automatically stiffening when she heard Edward say her name. She hoped he didn't notice, "Of course, that'd be great."

*

"Are you sure you're going to be okay on your own?" asked Alice as she pulled up to Edward's new house.

"Don't worry about me, I'll be fine." She wanted Alice to be her moral support for the evening, but would have felt guilty about Alice canceling plans with Jasper.

Bella nervously walked up to Edwards' house, immediately regretting sending Alice away when he failed to answer her phone call. Bella knocked loudly on the door, hoping that someone could hear it over the music blaring from within. Several moments passed and she was about to call Alice and tell her to head back to get her, when the door swung open.

"Um.. I'm here to see Edward, I'm-," she said awkwardly to the petite blond who answered the door.

"Oh, you must be Bella!" interrupted the girl brightly, reaching out to grab onto Bella's arm, her grip surprisingly firm, "We've been waiting for you to show up. I'm Jane by the way. I live here too, with my brother, his name is irrelevant. Let's go find your man."

Bella followed her in a daze, smiling at several people Jane introduced to her. Caius, Demetri, Felix, Heidi; all the names and faces blended together as Jane pulled her through the now crowded hallway, past the living room and into the kitchen.

"Look who I found!" she announced to the room full of people, sitting down at the table with a flourish in the empty seat next to Aro. Bella recognized some of the faces smiling widely, as she saw Edward, Charlotte perfect as ever at his side.

"Bella you're here," he said standing up and giving her a quick one armed hug, being careful not to spill his beer on her, "Sit down. We're just about to play Kings. Let me go get you a drink."

Bella walked over to Charlotte giving her a hug as well.

"Bella I'm so glad you could make it. Let me introduce you to my ahh..." she said with a pause, looking at the attractive guy sitting next to her, "friend Peter. Peter, this is Bella."

"Oh, you're the other roommate. Nice to meet you," said Bella shaking his hand.

"Likewise. It's about time I have a face to the name. Where's Edward been hiding you all this time?" Peter said with a wink.

"Isn't he just charming," Charlotte joked, pinching his nose and ruffling his hair. She pushed him to the side a bit, squeezing next to him on his chair.

Bella noted the casual way Peter had his arm draped around Charlotte's shoulder, wondering how Edward would take the innocent position they were both in.

"You can take my seat Bella. I don't mind sharing one with Peter."

Peter whispered something to Charlotte causing her to break out in a fit of giggles. Bella couldn't help staring in wonder at the two of them, laughing and completing each others' sentences. Obviously Peter was really close to Charlotte and Bella couldn't help wondering if they were ever more than just friends…

"Sprite and Limon, I didn't have lemonade. I hope that's okay," Edward said with a smile, paying no notice to Charlotte and Peter as he sat down next to Bella, placing her drink in front of her.

"It's perfect, thanks."

Edward beamed at her, picking up her hand and kissing the top of it, "Okay guys, let's get this game started."

*

They were only halfway through the game and already Edward was visibly tipsy, his face slightly flushed. Bella decided to take it easy, barely feeling a buzz as she slowly sipped at her mixed drink.

When it was her turn, Bella picked up a card, flipping over a Queen. Questions, hmmm...

"Edward, why do you call certain people by their last name?"

"Well Swan, I consider it a term of endearment..."

Bella's heart skipped a beat as everyone started laughing. She'd have to think about that answer later, "Drink Eddie you're not supposed to actually answer the question."

Edward raided his cup in mock salute to her, downing a generous amount of beer before looking over at Charlotte as she picked the next card.

"Jack, never have I ever."

Bella groaned, she always hated this part of the game. Everyone took turns making a statement, "Never have I ever..." and if you have done whatever the person said, you have to put one of your fingers down and drink. The first person to put down five fingers loses and has to chug what's left of their beer.

The game started off innocently, Charlotte saying she'd never been out of the country and Peter saying he'd never stolen anything from a store. Jane upped the ante with never have I ever been arrested. Somehow, Bella wasn't surprised to see Aro drinking to that one.

"Why is everyone being so boring? I have a good one, never have I ever …slept with someone in this room."

The boys roared with laughter pointing at Edward and chanting for him to drink.

Bella blushed bright red looking down. She glanced up from her drink just in time to see Charlotte taking a sip from hers. Bella's stomach lurched violently and she remembered her conversation with Jasper about Edward sleeping with Charlotte.

"Come on Bells, we know you have to drink." Bellas' face felt hot as she took a little sip, Peter reaching over and slapping her playfully on the back.

The next questions were equally bad, Marcus' being, "Never have I ever had a threesome."

Bella rolled her eyes and shook her head as everyone cheered Aro on as he drank down half his beer.

As the turn circled around the table back to Aro, Bella knew that the sparkle in his eye meant he was up to something. There was no way she could have possibly expected what came out of his mouth next, "Never have I ever been in love."

Bella couldn't help automatically looking up at Edward, their eyes locking together. Bellas' heart beat painfully in her chest as she tried to keep her lip from trembling. He shook his head to the side, running his hand through his hair before picking up his drink.

"Well, I'm out, cheers Bella," said Edward, the whole room becoming silent as he lifted his drink in the air, tapping it lightly to hers and chugging down the rest.

Bella couldn't breathe as her chest tightened, her hand involuntarily loosening its grip on her cup, causing it to slip through her fingers, spilling its contents all over the table.

"Jesus Bella!" screamed Aro, pushing the cards away from the liquid.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry," she said picking up the cup and looking around for something to wipe up the mess. She felt an arm brush against her and stiffened when she saw Edward leaning over mopping everything up with a paper towel.

"Edward, I got it," she said tensely, reaching for the roll.

"Bella, stop." Edward grabbed her arm, halting her movement. For a moment, they just stared at each other, Bellas' breathing quickening when she looked down at his fingers wrapped around her wrist.

"Excuse me, I need air," said Bella, trying to pull away from him only causing Edward to tighten his grip on her arm.

Several minutes of awkward silence passed, the only sound being the music coming from somewhere in the house.

"Well, it's getting late; I think I'm going to go. Peter said he'd drive me home," said Charlotte, breaking the silence. Everyone started talking at once, people glancing curiously over at Edward and Bella, getting the hint and leaving as well. Charlotte gave Edward an awkward kiss on the cheek before facing Bella.

"I'll see you soon," Charlotte said as she hugged her, whispering softly in her ear, "I'm sorry about all of this. Edward will come around eventually."

She pulled away before Bella could ask her what she meant, glancing over at Edward one last time before walking out. Bella stared after her, looking down when she felt a hand gently squeeze her arm. Her eyes narrowed when she saw it was Aro but quickly softened. He genuinely looked sorry for causing such a commotion, smiling apologetically at her before following everyone else out, leaving her and Edward alone.

"Still need that fresh air?" Edward asked gently.

Bella shook her head, running her shaking hand through her hair, "Do you have a cab number I can call…I want to go home," she whispered looking down at her hands. She felt the tears well up in her eyes and couldn't look at him.

"Bella," he sighed and walked over to her lifting up his hand as if he meant to touch her before dropping it back down. "You can stay the night if you want to."

"I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Why's that?"

"What about Charlotte?"

"You heard her, Peter's taking her home. Just stay, it's past 2 am already and who knows how long it'll take for a cab to come pick you up."

Bella thought about it, he did make a good point. She snuck a glance up at Edward, who looked almost anxious waiting to hear for her answer. Bella knew that it was a bad idea to spend the night but she couldn't help the strong urge to accept his offer. Regardless if she actually shared a bed with Edward, it was still crossing the line she drew for their new friendship.

"Well, I guess you're right. I'm going to need something to wear though; I don't really feel like sleeping in jeans."

Edward smiled, casually wrapping his arm around her, "I'm sure I can find something for you."

Bella rested her head against Edwards shoulder as she leaned up against him, letting him guide her up to his room. Bella heard voices coming from outside but was surprised to see that everyone had completely cleared out. When they reached his room Bella waited awkwardly as Edward looked through his clothes before finally handing her one of his undershirts and a pair of basketball shorts.

"I promise not to peek," he said as he turned around, his back to her.

Bella quickly pulled off her shirt pulling Edwards' over her head. She kicked off her shoes and peeled off her jeans, throwing them to the side. She couldn't help smiling as she saw Edwards' head move to the side slightly as he looked at them on his floor.

"I'm decent."

Edward turned around, his eyes lingering on her a little too long to be "friends" appropriate, before walking over to his bed. He lifted up the covers nudging her side.

"Are you sure Charlotte won't mind?" said Bella with a small yawn, covering her mouth with the back of her hand.

"Trust me," Edward said, kissing her softly on the forehead, "she couldn't care less."

"I highly doubt that. If I had you again, I'd never let another girl sleep in your bed," said Bella as she climbed in, mentally face palming at her word vomit.

"Hmm," he hummed, turning the light off, "I'll keep that in mind."

She heard his door close and for a second Bella thought he left, until she felt his bed sink down underneath his weight. Her heart pounded loudly in her chest as she felt him crawl over to her. She tensed slightly before relaxing again when she felt him carefully put his hand on her waist. He held it there cautiously, waiting for her to stop him before inching closer, his body completely cupping hers. Instead of thinking and over analyzing everything, for once Bella just wanted to enjoy the moment. She rolled over snuggling up to Edward and resting her head on his chest. He shifted slightly to move his arm, wrapping it around her and resting his hand on her lower back. Bella had just started to doze off when she heard Edward say softly in her ear, "Buonanotte mio amore."

__

**Author's Note: ** Thanks for those of you we are sticking with me and my sorry attempt at fanfic. So whatcha thinking...how bout that Peter? ;) Reviews help validate all the time i spend writing this thing & also may lead to teasers for what's coming next... hehe.


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